[322] Stop Chasing Greener Grass

The grass is always greener until you get there and realize it comes with closures, sickness, and a whole new set of problems. I’m coming to you with a slightly scratchy voice and a very real story about childcare curveballs, jealousy, and the myth that one external change will magically hand us freedom, energy, and peace. If you have ever thought, “If only I had that job, that relationship, that schedule, that support… then I’d finally feel good,” you are going to feel seen.

We dig into how social media comparison quietly trains us to believe everyone else has it figured out, while we’re the only ones struggling. I share what I wish I understood sooner: the “answer” is rarely the thing you are chasing, and waiting for more time is a trap. Instead, we talk about taking small actions that actually build women’s confidence and self-confidence, from regulating your nervous system with simple practices to sending the message, posting the imperfect first draft, or starting the project you keep delaying.

Then we go deeper with a set of questions you can use right away: are you craving the physical thing, or the feeling you think it will give you? Valued. Loved. Calm. Free. That clarity changes everything. I also share a tough but important reminder after a day of estate planning: life is finite, and I don’t want any of us reaching the end wishing we’d taken our shot.

If you’re ready to stop scrolling and start watering your own lawn, hit play, then share this with a friend who’s stuck in “if only.” Subscribe, leave a review, and tell me what small step you’re taking this week.

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Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If this episode inspired you to trust yourself, take up space, or live a little more unapologetically, share it with someone who needs that reminder too. Tag @jess.clerke so I can celebrate you because when one woman shines, we all shine. ✨
 
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Transcript

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Welcome And Voice Update

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and I have been waiting for this moment when I could sit down with a clear head and a clear voice and chat with you. I don't know if you saw my stories last week, if you're listening to this real time, or I lost my voice and I lost my voice all week. And it's not even fully back. Like I still feel groggy and a little weird, but it is way better than it was because it was to the point where you really couldn't hear anything and I could not have an episode where you listen to me talk like that for 30 minutes. Everything last week had to go on pause, and that's just sometimes life is throwing you those curveballs if you know what I mean. And they just keep coming, but that's okay. That's part of life, and that's part of what I wanted to talk to you about today. If you are new here, welcome. Hello, I'm Jess. I am so glad you're here. My voice doesn't always sound like this. But what we do talk about here is women's confidence and finding yourself and not only finding yourself, but accessing really who you are without changing a whole lot. It's not about changing who you are, it's about discovering deep within that version of you that's been in there, that is in there, and it wants to shine in the world. But we get scared. And not only do we get scared, but it gets squashed. This world is squashing us. And I do believe that we're starting to come into it a bit more. And finding those people to be around us who are shining so brightly is so important. But that's just what selfish confidence is all about. It's not about being selfish and it's not about being confident, it's about figuring it out and locking in and really just discovering who you want to be in this world and shine that so freaking brightly because we need it now more than ever. Like we need women to be shining so brightly because we have been dimmed for a long, long, long time. But we be coming out. It's like that's not I'm coming out to too. I want the world to know. Anyways, I'm just chilling over here eating candies. Normally I'm sipping on something, but I just got some water here and a bag of candies, and we're going at it. So I'm just so excited to be sitting down and hanging out with you today. And I really wanted to talk to you about a couple important things. I'm gonna be real with you. I'm a person who records these in real time. So that's why there was a break when I didn't have a voice to record because I want it to be present and in the moment and current with what's going on in life. I know some people plan out their podcasts months and months and months in advance, and I can to some degree, and if I'm being real with you, the topic changes hour to hour. What I sat down this morning to record for you is very different than what I'm sitting down to record for you tonight because as I was putting my son to bed, I was thinking about something, and I was like, oh my gosh, that's what I need to talk about because it's something that I'm going through, and normally when it's something

When Childcare Gets Complicated

SPEAKER_00 3:02

that I'm facing, there is someone out there also who is facing something similar and needs this reminder. So let's get into it. As many of you know, we have been going through a lot of curveballs this year with childcare in particular. And I remember this moment earlier this year when my little guy was turning one, and some of my friends who I had met through maternity leave or had babies around the same time as me who were sending their kids to daycare or going back to work, because that's typically here in Canada, a time that people are going back to work after that one year mark of maternity leave. If they have a space in daycare, which I didn't, but if you do, typically that's when people were going back to work. And I remember just being on all the lists, and this would have been in January, being on all the lists and hoping that something was gonna open up and that we were gonna get into daycare. And as some of my friends did, I would get really jealous. I'm like, oh my gosh, like, how'd you get a spot? And that must be so great for you to have some of your time back. And in my head, daycare was the answer. It was that thing that I needed in order to step into the next level that I wanted to get in, in order to get back into my business a bit more, in order to have more energy. And I remember my friend saying to me, you know, daycare isn't all it's worked up to be. You know, it's hard too. There's hard part of having childcare too. And I didn't see it that way. I couldn't see it that way because all I thought was the answer was childcare. And now with the curveballs that we've had with childcare this year, it is becoming a lot clearer to me that she was right. She was right because she had experienced something that I hadn't experienced yet and had a perspective that I couldn't see yet. And now we have gone through a day home that had closed all the time, that was never consistent with the child care that we needed. And so that was one thing because I never even thought about child like a daycare not being open or a day home not being open, but that was one thing. And then the other thing is now we have illnesses. So I got a call today that I had to go pick up my son because he was running a fever. And so it's these little curveballs that you don't always plan for. And before going through it, I thought that childcare was the only thing. It was the thing that I needed. Now being on the other side, there's so many other curveballs that can come with this. And this can go with many, many, many different situations. So not just with babies or with children at all, it can go with changing careers, right? Maybe you see this career online and you're like, my friend's in this job, and it looks like the best job ever. And you decide to totally pivot your life and switch careers, and you get over there and you're like, oh, wait, this is just another rodeo. Like, this is just the same old thing. Like, it's actually not that better over here. And in this world, especially in this world of social media that we do have, we are always looking at everybody's grass and thinking the grass is always greener in our neighbor's yard. If only I had this one thing that Suzy Q has, I would be killing it. I'd be crushing it. If only I had, you know, if only I got to work from home so that I could be home and then I would have a flexible job for certain things. Or if only I had a more loving relationship. If only I had, you know, that person as my business partner, our business would be thriving so much more. Like we see these things online. I have to like awkwardly laugh say it because you know what I'm talking about. I literally just saw it when I was scrolling before sitting on this mic. Someone who is crushing it in every area of their life, and you're looking at it and you're like, like, wow, like how are they doing it?

Why The Grass Looks Greener

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Like they have it all together. They have the loving partner and they have the thriving success and the business and the kids, and everything looks so perfect. And oh my gosh, their skin is so clear too. Like, how? How are they doing this? And I can guarantee you there's something that either they've hired help for, which awesome. I think that that is the most important thing we can do in this world that when we're juggling all the balls, sometimes we need to hire support, right? Or something's falling through the cracks that you're not seeing. In a world of online spaces and social media, we get to choose what we put out there, right? So we're not putting out there that, you know, our house is covered in garbage or the laundry hasn't been done in two weeks, or we're ordering takeout for every single meal because we don't have time to cook. Like, or we might not be putting that stuff online. And so we think the grass is greener and we're comparing ourselves to someone else who does not have it figured out. Or they know they don't have it figured out. They're not trying to fool anyone with that, but we just have this version in our head, this vision of who they are that they're not even living up to because that's not even who they are. And so I was upstairs putting my son to bed, and I just had this epiphany of like, I remember when my friend said that, that it's not all it's cracked up to be, just to have childcare. Like it has its own set of things that we have to think about. Like, yeah, closures for different days and sicknesses and schedule changes, and you know, having to drop them off and pick them up. My son is still crying every single time at drop off, and it is heartbreaking in so many ways. And we just don't always see these pieces because we're so caught up in the vision of what this life could look like if we had something even just a little bit different. And being in this mindset of the grass is always greener, this person has it better, is keeping us in this state of being perpetually dissatisfied. Oh man, like you are never going to be happy if you're sitting in this energy of if only I had this, if only I had childcare, I'd be able to have some freedom back, I'd be able to have some life back. Or if only I was in this different position, or if only insert the thing that you've been telling yourself, because I know there is one, there's at least one. And it can even be as something as simple as like, if only I could eat more hamburgers, I'd be happier. I don't know what you'd be thinking about. And honestly, like let's be real, sometimes yeah, sometimes yeah. But that thing that you've been saying is that only reason why you're not getting to where you want to go is a lie. It's a lie, it's keeping you in this trap of being dissatisfied, and it's keeping you in this trap of telling you that you're never gonna get there until you get this one thing. And as you know from experience, because I know you've also been through this in some capacity in your life, you get to that other side, you get that thing, and it still isn't that great. It is still so upsetting because you're like, this actually isn't what I was looking for or what I thought was going to be there. And I think when we can finally get clear on that being the story, that everybody has something that they're hiding in their closet, everybody has something, like it's not greener on the other side. Even if it looks it, even if it's perfect, even if this person you follow on social media, it's like, oh my gosh, everything is so perfect. They ha they are so lucky, and if only I had one inch of that luck, I'd be there. It's not real. It's not real. Ugh. I wish it was. I wish it was. Cause then that'd be the answer, right? That'd be that little piece of pill that we need that's gonna get us to the other side, but it's just never gonna be that way. What's actually going to change and get you that greener grass you've been looking for is actually doing the shit that you've been wanting to do. And instead of having an excuse on why you're not there, you're gonna take action in some way. And you know I'm all about little action. Like, I'm not talking about like let's

Small Actions Beat Waiting For Someday

SPEAKER_00 11:12

go crazy here and run sign up for a full marathon. Like, no, you can do something really small. These small pieces can make a big difference. Like meditating every day. That might be the thing that your nervous system needs in order to actually feel safe to go after the thing you want, right? To find that greener grass, or maybe it's getting out with your friends more. We always say, like, oh, when I have more time, I'll do this, this, and this. Well, more time is not coming. Like, more time is definitely not coming. And I laugh when I say that because that's something I would have said for years. When I have more time, and now that's just not a possibility, right? I am in my pajamas recording this, eating some candy, uh, probably way too close to my bedtime because that's the time that I have that I can do this. Your options are to stay in your dissatisfaction loop or to do something differently, to stop comparing yourself to everybody else who s for some reason has it all together when they don't, okay? Or you actually start to take that action that you've been wanting to take. Take that small step in the direction, send a message to that person you've been wanting to talk to. You don't have to be dissatisfied with your life because you're comparing it to a season or to someone else, and it is not greener on the other side. Just because that person has this one thing that you've been after, it's all in your head. And the sooner you can realize that, the sooner you can move on, the sooner you can take that step in a different direction. And if you're looking to finally step into it, I want you to put your big girl panties on and ask yourself some really deep questions here. What is it that you're seeing that you want and why do you want it so freaking bad? Why is that thing the answer? And just like really get clear with it. Spend some time thinking about it on your drive. If you are listening to this on your driving to work, you could even pause right now and spend some time in your brain for a few minutes. I know silence is uncomfortable for some people, but just like chill with it for a little bit and think about what that thing is. So for me at the time, it was childcare. I thought it was gonna give me freedom. I thought it was going to give me energy, I thought it was gonna give me a regulated nervous system. Jokes on me, none of those things came from it. So, what's that thing? Let's say it's a different job. A friend of yours has a job you've been looking at and you're like, oh man, if only I had that job. What about that job is the thing that's going to make your life so much better? Is it that it's work from home? Or is it that it's in an office and you're like, I just need to get out more? Is it the work that you'd be doing? Is it the community you'd be serving? Is it your coworkers that you'd have? Is it proximity to where you live? Like what about this job? Is it the thing for you that's going to make everything so much better? And is it a physical thing, like proximity to where you live, or is it a feeling? This job might make me feel so much more valued. This job uh would make me feel, you know, like I'm making a difference because it's contributing to the world in a way that I think would be really special. Like, is it a physical thing that you're looking for, or is it a feeling that you're looking for? Let's also use a relationship as a in a good example because I think sometimes people look at other people's relationships and we think, oh my gosh, they're they have it all together. They're so perfect, and you know, their communication is great. So what about this couple or this person that you're looking at? What about their relationship are you admiring? Is it their communication? Is it that they have a really good partnership in taking care of things around the house? Is it that they spend time together or they post pictures together? Honestly, let's be real. My husband and I do not post pictures together. His his Facebook could be just meet contests, contests to win meet, okay? You might not even know that he's married. And that's okay for me. That's how that works. But for some people, they love that extra validation of couples who post pictures together. What is that piece that you're looking at in this relationship that you see online that makes you say, Oh my gosh, if I had that, that person or that style of relationship, I would have it all. And is it a specific something or is it a feeling? Like comfort and peace. Like if I was in that relationship, I'd just feel so at peace because they just feel they just look so sweet together. Or I just feel so loved, right? That's a really important one in so many areas

What You Want Versus What You Feel

SPEAKER_00 15:55

of our lives. So look at that thing that you have been comparing to that you've been like, if only I had this thing and figure out if it's the physical thing that you're looking for or a feeling around that, and then we can go from there. And once you get clear on what it is that you actually want, what steps do I need to take to make that happen in my own life? And believe me, I know that this is the hardest part. It's so much easier to just look at our neighbor's lawn and say, if only, oh, someday I'll get that. If only I had this, like I get it. It's so much easier because we can just sit back, kick our feet up, watch another episode of Love is Blind and say, Yeah, someday I'll get there. Or you can switch things up and you can start that podcast, or you can put your application in for a new job, or you can start your dating profile again, or you can insert the thing that you've been telling yourself. You have two options here. Keep comparing, keep looking in your neighbor's yard, keep looking on social media and saying, if only, if only, if only man, I don't know if you're seeing the massive success that I'm seeing on social media lately of people who are just crushing the game. You can keep watching that, or you can try it for yourself. And I just want to remind you, it's not gonna be perfect on the first go, it's not gonna be perfect on the second go. It's probably not even gonna be perfect on the, you know, 300 and how many episodes it is. It's never going to be perfect. But what is going to happen is you're gonna be a few steps forward because you actually took some action. You tried something new, you put yourself out there. No matter how scared you are, 54321, put that post out there, baby. Like just put it out there. No matter how cringe it is. If we looked back at every creator that we have been watching for years, we go back to their first video, it is uh it's not good, okay? Nobody comes out of the gate being perfect at this. And that's part of the process. And I know that's the scariest part because nobody wants to be seen as a beginner, but that's where that's where the winning happens. That's how you get green grass. It had to be brown once. What is this weird analogy? But, anyways, you know what I mean. We're gonna get there by watering the lawn, by taking care of ourselves and by doing the things that we've been saying we want to do, and putting all of those excuses aside. I see you, sis. This is not easy stuff. But the sooner we stop comparing ourselves to Sally Sue over there, the sooner we're gonna get the life that we want. And not to be morbid here,

The Deathbed Regret Reality Check

SPEAKER_00 18:36

but I did spend a good chunk of the day at our lawyer's office planning our estate because, well, what I think it's really important to do, and it's especially important when there's littles involved. And so I have been spending a good chunk of the day thinking about death, and it really sucks. It's not my favorite topic to think about. But it's looming for all of us. It's going to happen to all of us. And I know it took a dark turn here, but I just want to remind you anything could happen tomorrow, anything could happen next year. And when I say anything can happen, sure, it can be the hardest season of your life. It could also be the best season of your life. I want us to dream about the really great, beautiful scenarios too. If we're doomsday in for a little bit, we also gotta be dreaming about the massive success that could be around the corner, the massive, beautiful life, and everything you've ever dreamed of can be on the other side. If we start to take action in that direction instead of looming in the area of everybody else's lives, man, I am a fan of reality TV. I am, I love it, but also sometimes you can see right through it. It's fake AF, right? It's like WrestleMania. It is not good TV. So that's why we need that reminder that it is so important to look at our lives with those lenses that we've been looking at other people's lives with, too. Put your glitter goggles on, my sis, and I want you to see yourself in the mirror, maybe for the first time, as the most beautiful human on this planet, because you are with potential for the most beautiful life that you've ever wanted to live. Step in that direction, water your lawn, close your social media, stop comparing yourself to Sally Sue, and really lock in on your life because you only get one and you do not know when the last day is gonna be. You don't know. And I really don't want you going to that deathbed and saying, if only I did this. Well, maybe I'd be better if I would have got this. No, you wouldn't have been. You wouldn't have been. So really just start to put that focus back on you. And yeah, that's what I was thinking about as I was putting my son to bed. Imagine how my brain works. It's so interesting sometimes when you think about that too. Just where your brain goes when you have a minute to pause. I know I've said that so many times. When you're in the shower or when you're driving the car or you're putting your head in your pillow, and it's your first time that you've had a moment to just whew, and every idea comes into your brain because it's like the first moment you aren't looking at your phone or listening to the radio or yelling at your kids. I really need you to find more of those pockets so that you can have time to get those downloads in your head so that you can have the ideas that you want for your life. I really think in those pause moments are when we start to get our best information. And it's so annoying because you put your head in your pillow and you're like, I just need to go to sleep. If you let there be more pockets during the day for that, that won't

Quiet Pockets For Clearer Thoughts

SPEAKER_00 21:45

happen as much. I shouldn't I shouldn't claim that. I am not a doctor or scientist. I have I don't know. But for me, if I give myself more pockets in the day to journal or to just be silent in my brain, then nighttime racing isn't as bad. So maybe try it. If you're struggling with that, when you put your head down, try it a couple pockets in the day, five minutes. You don't need a lot of time to just see what comes through and see if it opens up a little bit more capacity for you to fall asleep better at night. So I see you, my sis. I see you. And I know that I've been thinking about that a lot more too, right? That grass being greener somewhere else, and it's not. It's really freaking green in your yard. You just gotta see it, and you just gotta give yourself that opportunity to lean into your own yard. Lean into that grass, my sister. Oh my gosh. Sometimes I really want to smack myself with these analogies too, but you know what? It's how my brain works. I need it's a visual, I need it. So I hope you're having a wonderful week. And I don't I can't wait to dive into more with you. Side note for you, really quick. If

Human Design Readings Invitation

SPEAKER_00 22:55

you are been looking to dive into human design a bit more, I had a friend of mine reach out the other day. She's like, Are you still doing readings? And so I am diving into her design this week. I do it through voice notes. I do it just like this, basically, like you're listening to a podcast, so that you can go back and listen to it as much as possible because it's really overwhelming. There's a lot of information in it. And so I do it over a whole week. We do bite-sized chunks of your human design to give you opportunity to digest it in the way that works best for you, which we also talk about in your human design, and really just have something there that you can listen to over and over again whenever you need it. So I will put the information in the show notes for you to be able to check that out and sign up for your human design reading because I do think that this is a really great tool, especially if you're someone who is looking at other people and how they do things, for you to know uniquely that you are so magical and special and things that you see in your chart are really uniquely designed to you. And you could look at your spouse's chart, you can look at your best friend's chart, and you're gonna realize, oh my gosh, we're so different because I can see it in our charts. We were made differently and created differently for a reason. And I think that this is a really great tool to help you to see that and give yourself that permission to do life differently. So if you have been interested in your human design, please send me a message. I'll put the information in your show notes so you can check it out, but also just DM me and be like, Jess, what even is human design? Can you tell me about mine? And I'll gladly tell you a little bit more about your design. So I hope you are having a wonderful week, and I cannot wait to talk to you soon. Love you, sis.