[320] Becoming Unrecognizable

You know that moment when you catch your reflection and think, wait, I don’t even recognize myself? That’s what we’re unpacking today: the experience of becoming “unrecognizable,” how it can feel heavy and disorienting, and how it can also be the most powerful sign that you’re growing into a truer version of you.

We start with a real-life reminder of identity outside of roles, like being a mom, a partner, or the person who keeps everything running. I share how doing updated brand photos brought me back to myself, and why having spaces where we can be fully seen matters more than ever. We talk about why confidence isn’t something you “put on,” it’s something you practice, especially when your life has changed and your old patterns no longer fit.

Then we get practical. We walk through how to identify energy leaks, set boundaries when you can’t just quit or walk away, and create simple rituals to separate work stress from home life. We also talk about shaking up autopilot with tiny changes that wake your brain up, like sunlight before blue light, a different routine, or one small choice that reminds you you’re human, not a robot. And if you’ve been hiding in a darker season, we name that too and talk about how community support can help you find your way back.

If this hits, take a minute to listen, share it with a friend who needs a reset, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next. What’s one place in your life where you’ve been feeling unrecognizable lately?

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Transcript

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Welcome And Stacked Self-Care

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and I'm sitting here wondering why the sound wasn't coming out of my microphone into my headphones until I realized it wasn't plugged in. And that's what we're working with over here. So cheers to that. I hope you're having a wonderful day. I just had to set everything back up because I had updated brand photos yesterday. And with that, I like to bring all of my pieces and all of my props and parts of who I am into these photos. And we did it in a studio. So we didn't do it at home, and I came back and had to set everything back up and then I think blacked out and forgot how to set everything back up. So here we are. Hello, hello. I'm so glad that I'm hanging out with you today and yeah, chit-chatting about life and all of the things. If you're new here, welcome to Selfish Confidence. This is a place all about discovering who you are and really shining that into the world because it takes practice. It's not always something that we can just like put on a new pair of jeans and be like, I'm confident now. It takes effort, it takes practice, it takes safe places where we can explore and play with that, which is exactly what I created here: a place for myself to find it, and then now for so many others, just like you, who are looking to access their confidence and really shine it in every place that they go. Sometimes I wish I did video. I get that question a lot. Do you do video? And I said no, it's just me. It's just me here and my dog. And I sometimes barely even survived getting on the microphone. So I'm putting some eye patches on here. I got some water because yesterday was just such a full day, and I am soaking up these couple

Brand Photos And Feeling Like You

SPEAKER_00 1:50

hours of not having my little guy here, and I need to do it all. So we're gonna do it all at the same time. So self-care while recording, I think is a really great way to do it. Sometimes we need to just stack on our care. So what do you need to stack on today? Is it working on your business while you're also eating your lunch? Is it putting on your eye patches while recording a podcast? Is it taking a nap while driving the car? Don't recommend that one, but you do you. And let me know how that goes. Yesterday was a really full day. So I had, yeah, my updated brand photos with my very good friend Devin, and it was really special. I was kind of nervous, and we'd been pushing it off for multiple different reasons. I've talked about that on the podcast. Childcare, or you know, a whole bunch of different reasons why we've been like trying to get this on the calendar for months. I knew it needed to be done. I every time I look at these old photos from the beginning when I first started the podcast five years ago, I can see just, yeah, a prior version of me, a version of me that is very different than who I am now, and not just because I had a kid, but the beliefs and the values and the confidence that I have that has grown over the years of creating this podcast is very different. And I believe a brand, an authentic brand, should shine that. And I just never made the time because you know, life and busy and all the things trying to keep it above my head above water sometimes. It needed to be done. So we finally made the time yesterday, and we got some really great shots that I cannot wait to share with you. Even Devin just texted me a few minutes ago and she's like, We got some magic, Jess. Like, there's some good ones here, and I'm having fun editing them, and it's just like I can't wait to show you, and I cannot wait to see it because I came home from that photo shoot yesterday just feeling like myself, and I was texting one of my girlfriends last night, and I was just like, it just felt really nice to be me. And I wasn't my son's mom, and I wasn't my husband's wife, I was Jess again, and it felt really good. And maybe you can relate to that in a world where we have so many labels all the time of the work we do or the people we care for, and we just forget that we're also humans too, experiencing life on earth and getting to be whoever we want to be because we're so busy in everybody else's. And I'm not saying you gotta go out and get all your photos done, which I do, although I do recommend. I think it's really important for you to have nice photos of yourself that you can use in just in your wallet if you want. You know, just keep them in your pocket, keep them for a day when you need a little confidence boost. But that doesn't have to be, you know, your reason to do something for you or the thing that brings you the most confidence. I want you to find that thing for yourself too and experience it, prioritize it, nourish it. It has been I used to do photo shoots frequently, like pretty much seasonally, especially in the beginning. And it's been so long that I just, yeah, I was nervous. And but we've once we finally got into it, it felt so genuine and right and authentic and really aligned with what I'm creating here. And sometimes we just need that prioritization of those things that are important to us. So I'm just here to tell ya, do that thing. Even if you don't want to spend the money on it, or you think you shouldn't spend the money on it, even if you're questioning if you're good enough for it, even if you're questioning if you have the time for it, all of the things that you're questioning in your head, just forget them and do it. You will thank yourself, you will love yourself for it, you will love yourself more for it. And I I just think it's important. So, and let me know what that thing is. Send me a message and let me know. And then also last night, because I was like, if I have child care for a day, I might as well go all in and put all of my things in one day, right? Get all the things off the list. We had our sisterhood meetup last night. We did a crafts in the park hangout, and it was so nice. Like it just filled my cup up to chat with the girls about different things and what's going on in their lives, and it just feels really good to be in a space where you can fully be yourself.

Sisterhood Nights And Safe Spaces

SPEAKER_00 6:05

So crafts were not had. I said we were doing crafts in the park, but we didn't do crafts, we just chit-chatted and ate cupcakes and hung out and had a really nice night. It was like the perfect temperature, sat under a tree, people watched a little bit and just experienced a summer evening. Is there anything better than a summer evening in the park with like a crispy can of something? Oh my gosh. We actually got some Starbucks drinks, they were like the butterfly refreshers. Oh my goodness, okay. Oh my goodness, they were so good. It was just like a magical, beautiful evening. And it was one of those evenings that made me remember why I created this community in the first place. Again, so important that we have spaces where we can explore who we are and share that with the world, but like to just have a space where you can say what's on your mind and actually what you're feeling and going through is not the norm. And I'm starting to realize that more and more as I'm in the real world, especially as a parent now. But we need these spaces. So if you're looking for something, this selfish sisterhood, whether you're here in Halifax, Nova Scotia, or you're away and you want to do it virtually, we have spaces where we meet every other week on virtual chats and then once a month in person for a chat. So there's great opportunity for people from all over to be able to come together and just hang out with their girls and really experience what it's like to be loved and seen and valued exactly as you are. And I know someone who's in the sisterhood right now is listening to this and they'd be like, Yes, it feels like that. Like you just get to be who you are and know that that is fully accepted, and not only accepted, it is celebrated and in the most like relaxed way possible. It's just like, hey, we're chill and we love you. And that's the best part about it. It's it's like having your best friends in your pocket all the time. So I will put the information in the show notes for you to be able to check out and see what's going on in September for you to be able to hop in and meet your new sisters because there's just something magical about being part of a community that just gets you.

Becoming Unrecognizable Defined

SPEAKER_00 8:07

Today I really wanted to talk to you about becoming unrecognizable. This word has been in the notes section of my phone so much this year because there's so many moments where you look in the mirror and you're like, I don't even recognize who I am. And this can go both in a really positive way and also in a really dark way. Like for me, even just like pregnancy in general, the whole thing about it is like you looked in the mirror and you're like, I don't know who this girl is. Like she does not look like me, she does not act like me, she is not me. But then you're like, oh wait, it is. But I also think that this can play an effect in a really positive way. For me, going through my year of confidence, the version of me that started that project to the version of me that ended it were two very different versions of me. I was literally unrecognizable to not only myself, but to many people in my life. I showed up for a full year and put all of my effort into shining my light and discovering who I am and putting myself out there. And I had many people who shook their heads at me, like, who does she think she is starting a podcast? Who does she think she is, you know, posting on social media, all of the things that we have the voice in our head was like actually happening in my real life, and that's okay. It's part of the process. But you know what? When I got to the other end and I became this, you know, more polished version of my authentic self, everybody's asking, how did you do it? Right? Everybody it's always that story. The beginning is, oh my gosh, who does she think she is? Why is she doing that? Blah, blah, blah, blah. What a waste of time. And then on the other side, how did you do it? Right? You gotta be cringy, you gotta be uncomfortable, you gotta show up in ways that the higher version of you would. And I truly became unrecognizable, even to myself in a really positive way. Just the same as through my experience of having my son can sometimes make that feel really dark. Now coming out on the other side of that, unrecognizable, looking at these old pictures of me, that you're like, oh wow, that is not even who I am anymore. And not just because my body changed or, you know, I got some more gray hairs, not any of those things, not physical attributes. Like it's not anything, even just looking in the mirror. It's this whole essence, it's this whole aura, it's a change like in who you are at a soul level, as a like it's just it says just something different, right? When you meet someone, you're like, I feel like I've met you before, but I've never met you before. It's that kind of energy, and I think there's something really special about tending to that garden so that you can come out and feel like this whole brand new person. So I ask you, is there a time where you can remember being unrecognizable to yourself, both in a positive light or maybe in a more difficult light? And how did you feel in that season? I think sometimes we need to reflect on what caused us to feel unaligned and who we are. And if you're listening to this and you're like, Jess, this is super weird, I don't understand, but I want you to get really clear on what your core values are, who you are, what your beliefs are, spend some time in those deep conversations with yourself, journal.

Core Values And Confidence Checkpoints

SPEAKER_00 11:26

I like to sometimes just lay in bed and think about it. Maybe write some things down in my notes section, chat it out with AI if you need some support, chat it out with me if you need some support. Like happy to really nail some of this down with you, but you gotta just start to get clear on what those things are so that also when changes happen in your life, you can ask yourself, is this something that I want to change in my core values of who I am? Or is this something that, you know, is just a seasonal thing for me? Is this really helping me to be aligned with who I am? And I don't think everything needs to be this deep, but I do think it's important for our confidence that we know who we are in this current season, in this current moment. And then maybe we can have these checkpoints back to it as much as possible, right? Maybe every three months we're checking back in and be like, oh, right, is this really still feeling aligned? Am I still this version of me? What's changing? What's becoming? Because that's again where confidence comes. Confidence shakes when we're unclear on who we are. I've seen it in myself so many times. Every time I'm in these seasons of being unrecognizable, it starts to shake because you're like, is this really who I am? And even yesterday, getting my photos done, it brought me back to a version of me that I'm like, oh, right, this is a core of who I am. Like, I love doing this. I love sharing my message. I love supporting women, and that comes from supporting myself. How can I prioritize this? How can I do this more? How can I harness this energy? My son also deserves to have a parent who feels this good about themselves on a regular basis. But we forget because we're busy and life happens and work happens and partners happen and we gotta walk the dog and we gotta do the laundry and literally just giving you a list of the things I need to do in the next hour, let alone every single day. But it's that reminder that we need sometimes of coming back to those core pieces. When we start to feel unrecognizable, we can start to see it a lot sooner if we know who we are. It's those moments where it's been months of going through the motions and then you look in the mirror and you're like, whoa, it's been it's been a long ass year, right? And that's when you're like, okay, I'm pretty clear that this is unrecognizable. I don't know who I am anymore. And it's gonna take so much longer to come back if you don't take the time to know who you are in these pockets, in these seasons. Because as you do that, the more and more you do it, the easier it is to just start to click and recognize it a lot faster. You're like, ooh, something doesn't feel right. How can I fix that? How can I get back to who I am? Versus, yeah, months, years. Yeah, yeah. I see you, sis. If you're in that season where you're in that unrecognizable season, on the harder side of that, the darker side of that, I see you. It's really tough. It's really tough to be there where you feel so unlike yourself in so many ways. So if that's you right now, let's talk about a couple things you can do to start to bring that energy, to shake that energy up and come back to who you are.

Find Energy Leaks Set Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 14:26

The first thing I think is the most important is to see where your energy is leaking. Oh, see where your energy is leaking. And I know for some of us, it can be your regular day-to-day things like being a parent or the job that you go to every single day, uh, even your partner can be where some of that energy is leaking, or maybe you're just like physically exhausted. It has been a long season. Like it has there's a lot going on in the world, the news in general, every single day there's something new that's happening and it is exhausting. So that could also be where your energy is going. Once you start to see where the energy is leaking, you can turn that tap off. And I know some of those things on our list we can't turn the tap off for. That just means we got to up the ante on our self-care too. So find your limits and set your boundaries around where that energy is leaking. So let's say it's work and work has been extra draining, it's been really hard, there's a lot going on, and you're just like, I cannot, I can't just quit my job. That's not a not a reality for me. Okay. So, where can we put some better boundaries in at work? Is that with our hours? Is that with actually taking our breaks? Is that with how we work with our coworkers, how we talk to them, how we connect with them? Uh, is it a particular coworker? Is it one in general? Like, how can I hide under my desk every time they walk by? Kind of energy. Find those things where you can put those better boundaries in place. And then also when you're gone, you're gone. If you're someone who holds onto your energy of your work at home, that's a problem. It's great if it's good energy, right? It's a problem if it's really difficult energy that's like a dark cloud looming over your head every time you go home. Try to find a way to disassociate in the car that you can like take, work, leave work at work, and once you get home, you're at home. If that's taking 15 minutes in the car before you pull in the driveway, do it. If that's, you know, having some kind of ritual in the car that's playing the music that ants you up to get you home into the right energy, then do it. If you work from home, sage that office space as much as possible. I do it as much as possible. Because I think that's really important to clear the energy of myself and having that ritual really for me, whether it does nothing, okay, whether it's there's no scientific evidence behind like cleansing your space, it feels better for me. It's like when you take a shower and you just feel a hundred times better, and really there wasn't that much you did, but like there's just something about a shower. I picture that with cleansing a space, changing that energy. And I think this is really important, especially if you work from home, because you don't have that same kind of ritual that closes the door in work and opens the life at home. They're kind of really intermingled. So finding that space to be able to just, yeah, cleanse it a little bit more. Maybe there's a candle that you have that's your work scent candle and a candle you have that's your, you know, life candle. I I want to say parent candle, but I know that's not the truth for everyone. So even just like I don't know, the two versions of you, your work version and your personal version, like you can have different scents that help to define that, especially if you work from home or if you work in the same space that you live, having a few of these things that help to distinguish what energy your body should be in makes a really big difference. So, first and most important is find the leaks and then set some boundaries with those so that it feels a little more clear where we're plugging those energy leaks and really creating a space that feels so much lighter for us to help us to recognize who we are. The second thing that I would really suggest doing is shaking up the energy, doing something different out of your routine.

Shake Up Autopilot With Tiny Changes

SPEAKER_00 18:18

I know some people are really rigid in this, they like their routine, they like how they do things, and I'm not saying every day should be different, no, but I do think sometimes we need to shake up our energy. So if your every day is the same and you're starting to look in the mirror and you're just like, I don't even recognize who I am, how can we change little pieces of our day to bring back some different energy? So a walk around the block first thing before you start work, or eating a different breakfast, dancing around a little bit more, getting a little bit of fresh air when you're drinking your cup of tea in the morning. Like, what is that thing for you that's going to shake up your day just enough for your body and your mind to become more aware of where you are? Because the thing with becoming unrecognizable is that we're often on coat like an autopilot. We are just coasting, we're doing the thing, we're doing the mundane over and over and over again that it just becomes to the point where you're just like, I'm not even living anymore. I am a robot. I'm just a robot with a brain. So find that little thing. For me, fresh air in the morning makes a really big difference. If you've done my program, uh confidently you, I talk about uh sunlight before blue light. So making sure that you're getting sunlight in your eyeballs before you open up your phone, I think is the simplest way to shake your energy up, the smallest routine. Maybe it's even picking a different chime for your alarm in the morning, like something that's going to make your brain go, huh, that's different. Because when we turn that brain back on, it starts to almost click back into who we are a little bit, that you're just like, oh, right, I'm not a robot. I'm a real, I'm a real human. And when you start to realize you're a real human, you can see that you're becoming a version of you that you don't like, or you're consciously becoming a version of you that is your higher self, right? This can go both ways. And I think these small conscious decisions can really make a big difference in us being aware that we're becoming unrecognizable in whatever direction on the spectrum that is. And as someone who has been on the spectrum in both directions many times in my life, whether that's after a breakup or after changing careers, or so many different scenarios in your life where you're just like, I don't even know who I am or what I want. You just got to keep asking yourself some of these questions and glitching yourself in the matrix a little bit more, right? It's like a z like a little zap every time. Maybe you ask your partner to like zap you every single time with the bug zapper just to like wake you up because we need that wake up. We need that wake up. Sometimes it's so easy to go through the motions to be comfortable, to wear our pajamas to work, or to wear our same outfit every single day, or to eat the same lunch because we're our brains are so exhausted in today's world, like literally so exhausted that making a decision. Oh, I feel emotional as I say this because I know it's the truth for so many of us. Making a decision is so hard because we are so exhausted from making decisions, deciding what's for dinner, deciding what to wear, deciding what to do, gotta get my groceries, gotta make my lists, gotta do the things. It's exhausting being a human in this world right now. And so it's so easy to just keep going on autopilot because we just don't have the capacity for more. But if you can shake this up, even just in the tiniest bit, add something so silly on that grocery list that your brain just like zaps and it's like, oh wait, what? Did I really want to pick up, you know, blue eggplants? I I didn't even know that was a thing. And then you're like, wait, that isn't a thing. Or did I really want limes instead of lemons? Like, that is so strange. That's just something I would have never done. And like, it doesn't have to be big, crazy things, but little, little things that your brain has to zap back into and almost correct in whatever that is, it's gonna help you to shake that energy up just a little bit for you to want to get into that space of becoming yourself again.

Stop Hiding Let People In

SPEAKER_00 22:25

And the other thing that I think is really, really important in these seasons when we're becoming unrecognizable, I often want to go into hermit mode. I want to hide under a blanket, and I don't want anyone to see me at my worst. Why would we want anyone to see us at our worst, right? I remember in this season of like just like yeah, hiding away when I was in Barbados and it was the before I did the year of confidence, so when we were living away, I didn't want anyone to know how bad I was doing, how sad I was, how lonely I was. And now looking back, that was in 2020. Now looking back, I can re recognize that so many people were feeling that way too. It wasn't just me. But that was like the start of becoming unrecognizable that I just didn't know who I was anymore because we were all going through that major transition through the pandemic, right? And I didn't want anyone to know, so I just put a smile on and showed up on social media as I always did, and nobody knew. And when I'd call my parents, I'd be like, Yeah, everything's great. I went to the beach today, saw a turtle, so wonderful, life is so great. I would hide, whether that's physically hiding under a blanket and no one seeing me, or physically hiding behind a smile and nobody knowing the truth. We tend to hide when we're in these darker seasons of being unrecognizable because we don't want anyone to worry, we don't want anyone to see us at our worst, and I get that, but the best thing you can do is call a friend, is to get out, is to start to get really uncomfortable with being seen in this season that you don't even see yourself in. Allowing others in can really help. And if you don't have a safe community where you can do that and be that, I challenge you to find it. Whether that's coming into the sisterhood and meeting your new sisters or finding a group of friends, a book club, or anything in your community, a church wherever you can go that can really help you to see yourself and allow others to see you as this new version of you is really important too. There's nothing worse than wanting to change and starting that process of changing and somebody saying to you, like, you've changed. And you're like, Yeah, that's the whole freaking point, okay? I want to change, I want to be different. We're here to evolve. So it's finding those spaces that allow you to evolve and be flexible and fun and experience life together and has similar interests, and it's really uncomfy, super uncomfy to be seen in these spaces of, yeah, just where you're just like, I don't even know if I like who I am. Are these people gonna like who I am? You just gotta try it. It's all about shaking up that energy and getting out and doing that uncomfy thing makes a really big difference. So I've been thinking a lot about this lately, this energy of being unrecognizable.

A Six Month Unrecognizable Program

SPEAKER_00 25:20

And I've been really playing with building a program that helps you to become unrecognizable in a way in six months that you could just be like blink, like holy shooters, this is who I am, this is who I've become in a good way. Okay, I'm not creating a program that's gonna make you not be excited about your life and you're just like, uh this, I paid for this. No, this is actually a program that's gonna design you to go unrecognizable in the best way possible, that's going to help you to feel your most confident, to be in the clothes that you've been always wanting to wear, and to stand in your power and to be able to shine your light in every room you go in because you know who you are, you love who you are, and you're not ashamed of who you are. And that is like the most important piece. And I get so worked up thinking about this because it's just so important. I think the more women can stand in that energy of knowing who they are and being like, hey, take it or leave it, sisters. That is the world that we need to live in. That's the world we need to create. We need to be empowering more women right now to be able to stand up. Period. Like we to be able to stand up, uh, to say what they're thinking. Like, it's just, yeah, we need it more than ever. And so I've really been the notes section on my phone is pretty thick with the ideas of this program of unrecognizable. So if you're listening to this and you're like, that sounds like something I would 100% want, please send me a message. It's gonna be that push that I need to really bring it to life because I have been thinking about it all summer long. I think there's something really special here, and I think we all need it. And I feel like I'm coming out of my cocoon and really stepping into this new version of me too, and it's been so beautiful to see, especially yesterday doing my photos. It felt just yeah, so I remember I was sitting with Devin and she was showing me some of the photos on her camera, and I'm getting emotional thinking about it. Um, and she showed me one, and I just got this bright smile on, and I'm looking so good, and I was just like, wow, that looks like me. And it was one of those moments where I'm not sure I felt like that when I've looked at a picture in a while. Just I'm not, I shouldn't say I haven't felt like that when I just haven't been taking photos of myself as much because I'm just I'm not always thinking about it. I barely have my phone in my hand anymore. I just have a child in my hands, you know. I got other things going on. And I was just like, that looks like me. She's like, I love this photo. That looks like me. And I really think that's just something we need to be experiencing more of, like fully being like, yeah, that's fully me. That is that's it. Click, got it. Like, and again, that comes from knowing yourself, but to look in the mirror, to look at a photo and feel like you can see yourself is a really, really beautiful gift. And yeah, that experience yesterday reminded me of how important this is. And yeah, the more women who can feel that, I think just the better this world's gonna be. So stay tuned for that one. I'll do my best to bring that to life as fast as possible. But it will help if you're listening to this and you're like, no, that sounds really, really sick, Jess. Please send me a message because I know that that'll that'll really help to bring it to life, is knowing that you listening connect with that message too, and you need something like this just as much as I do. So I'm so grateful to have you here.

You Are Worthy In Every Season

SPEAKER_00 28:45

I hope that you know that I see you in your seasons where you feel unrecognizable, where you just look in the mirror and you're not quite sure who that version of you is anymore. I see you. I see you, I love you. I think you're absolutely miraculous, like absolutely magical in every season that you're in. And sometimes we need that reminder that even in our dark seasons, we are still worthy, we are still lovable, and we are still magical. We just might not totally see it the same way that the rest of the world does. So I love you so much, and I'm so freaking proud of you for everything you've been doing. Keep shouting, my sis. See you next time.