[311] Your Lack Of Confidence Is Showing 🙈

The fastest way to spot a confidence dip is not in what you say, it’s in what you do next: the overexplaining, the defensiveness, the mental replay of a one-minute interaction that suddenly feels like a life review. If that sounds familiar, you’re going to feel seen here.

We unpack the sneaky signs your self-confidence is slipping and why it often happens during big life transitions. I share what’s been lighting up my own “seeds of doubt” lately, from parenting choices and toddler tantrums to the weird emotions around starting daycare, balancing work and family, and even stepping into an updated personal style and rebrand. When we’re not fully grounded in our decisions, other people’s opinions can shake us fast, even when they mean well.

We also talk about the reality that everyone has opinions, and how the Let Them perspective can help you stop making those opinions your responsibility. The goal is not to become louder or tougher. It’s to build self-trust, get clear on the season you’re in, and practice responding in a way that keeps your peace. Think of it as watering confidence instead of watering doubt.

If you’re ready for a mindset reset that’s practical and honest, press play. After you listen, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs a boost, and leave a review so more women can find this confidence coaching energy. What seed of doubt are you working through right now?

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Transcript

Welcome And The Confidence Mission

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and if you're new here, now that we don't have a little intro jingle, I feel like I should let you know that we are all about you living your most confident version of your life. And whatever that looks like is celebrated here. Like anything that you can dream of, anything that you have that vision on your heart about is not only welcome here, it is celebrated here. Okay? We love you exactly as you are. Sometimes it just takes that figuring out. And that's what this podcast is all about. It's really about finding who you are and giving yourself some space to just be you, whatever that looks like. But it does take some practice. And I feel like I'm still in a season. I think I'm always in a season. I think that's why I'm still doing this podcast. If you really think about it, because I'm always in the season of figuring out who I am in whatever chapter I'm in. And I truly do believe that with every life transition that we go through, we go through this evolution and we have to get to know ourselves all over again. And the best way you can do that is by dating yourself and asking yourself questions and giving yourself space to try things and to play and to get to know different things about yourself, like with human design and astrology and whatever feels like fun for you. And I know I've said this so many times, but I always have still a lot of doubt because I'm just sitting here recording alone in my heated blanket with a cup of ice cold water, which I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but just getting all cozy and hanging out, essentially talking to the air, even though I know you're here and I know you're listening, it still feels a little bit crazy, even four and a half years in. But I just took a second to look in the back of the podcast and saw where people were listening in from, and it blows my mind. One, our number one country is the US. This is a Canadian podcast. I'm a Canadian and still number one US listeners, but also like all over the world is listening in and from cities that I didn't, I just Googled where like certain cities were because I was like, where is this from? Like, where are you listening in from? And it blows my mind. And I find that being able to look at some of those things and creepily seeing where you live and where you're listening in from just helps to make this um more real for me. It helps for me to visualize what you're doing right now as you listen in. Maybe you're out walking the dog, maybe you are folding your laundry, maybe you're on your drive. Podcast drives are the best drives, right? Or if you're like my husband, maybe you're putting one AirPod in and listening while you're rocking the baby to sleep. Whatever works, wherever you're listening in from, I'm just so glad you're here. And I'm just so grateful that you enjoy and you keep coming back for more. And if this is your first time, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. I hope that you're able to take something from today's podcast episode and you're also able to just apply it to becoming the most confident version of yourself because the world needs you to be the most confident version of yourself. And if you can't tell, I just ate a whole bunch of cake. It was my husband's birthday on the weekend, and we were just finishing off his cake before I came down here, and I think I have a little bit of a sugar rush. I think I have a sugar high, and that's okay.

Life Updates Daycare Time And Coaching

SPEAKER_00 3:40

I think that'll make today's podcast episode even better. Even better, because we're all hyped up. And before I get into today's juice, I don't think I told you this. If you're in the sisterhood, I mentioned it, but our little guy is starting childcare. He's starting daycare at the end of this month, and it's gonna give me a little extra free time, which I am really excited about. Because honestly, since getting pregnant in May 2024, I haven't really had a chance to be myself, to be by myself, and to work on the things that I've wanted to work on because my life instantly changed the second I got pregnant. I was so sick. I couldn't get much work done at all. And so since then, obviously I've had a little one and I work in the evenings. I have clients that I meet with on the evenings and the weekends, and and I'm just really excited to space it out a little bit more, maybe get some of the evenings back and a little bit more time on the weekends for family. That being said, I do have one spot opening for one-to-one confidence coaching that I haven't been able to open for a really long time. So this will start in July, and this is an opportunity for you to work with me on a personal level. We'll meet weekly for 45-minute calls. We'll also have the opportunity for voice and text throughout the week to really help you to hone in on what it is that you're going after, what it is that you want to achieve, and how can you get there by having a personal cheerleader in your back pocket. If you've ever done one-to-one coaching with me or coaching in general, you know there is nothing like this kind of connection to really voice what it is that you're facing. And sometimes we all just need that one space that believes in us, hears us, and accepts us exactly as we are, so that we can take that into the rest of the world. And that's what we create here. So I'll put the information for you in the show notes for you to be able to check out and apply for this position for the one-to-one offer. I am just so excited to finally bring and expand a little bit more into the schedule because yeah, I'm gonna have a little bit more time, which is really, really exciting. So let's dive into it.

When Lack Of Confidence Shows

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Today's podcast episode is all about, ooh, your lack of confidence is showing. Eek. Ugh I can see it, sister. I can see it. And obviously, as per usual, today's podcast episode is sponsored by my own life experiences and what has happened to me to make me realize and think, ooh, okay, that doesn't feel right, that doesn't look right, and how can we change that for next time? I've noticed lately that when I start to get defensive or I start to get, I don't know, a little anxious about things. Honestly, I'm pretty much always anxious, but you know, when I'm starting to get a little bit more anxious about things or I'm overthinking something, it probably means there's a lack of confidence there. I think, uh honestly, I know, when we are solid in who we are, when we are solid in our beliefs and our visions for our lives and in the things that we want, it is unwavering the confidence that you have. When someone questions it, you're just like, oh, like, so what you don't understand, so what you don't see it, so what you don't get it. But when you are not solid in those things, or you're leaning too heavily in other people's opinions, that's when this confidence starts to shake. It not even starts, it's crumbling, it's falling to the freaking ground, okay? And I noticed this with a few comments lately from people, and especially since becoming a parent, everybody, we all know this. Even for everyone, not just for parents, but everybody has an opinion. Everybody has an opinion about how you're doing life, everybody has an opinion of how you are taking care of yourself, everybody has an opinion of, you know, how you put on your clothes, what you're wearing, what you're doing, what you're driving, what you're how where you're working. Like everyone has a freaking opinion. It's driving me a little mad. But those opinions are never gonna go away. Everybody is always going to have an opinion. And if you read the book The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, I'm not a huge Mel Robbins fan, but what I loved about this book was that she really made sure to point that everybody is going to have an opinion. Everybody is going to have a thought about you. Even the people who you love and love you so much, the people who accept you still have opinions. She made points in her book about like, I think this about my oldest daughter, and I think this about my son, and I think this even about my dog, who I literally love so much. But sometimes I'm thinking, oh my gosh, please leave me alone. And once she put that into perspective for me, that literally everyone has an opinion, it almost made it easier for me to shake them off a bit more. Because I have opinions. I have thoughts about other people and how people live and how people parent. And as much as I can shake it off and be like, it doesn't matter, they're not my kids, or it doesn't matter, you know, I don't have to wear those jeans. We have opinions. It's part of being a human. And I think the sooner we can start to realize that people are gonna have opinions, it's going to make us stand in who we are a lot easier. That being said, let me give you a little bit of an example here on what, you know, what made me think of this and write this in the notes section of my phone. Sometimes I'll like panic, wake up in the middle of the night, and have to write something down. No, this was very much something happened in a regular day, and I can't even remember specifically what the comment was, but it was definitely around my parenting. It was around something that I let my son do. And I'll be honest, I'm pretty confident in how we're raising our kid. He's pretty great, but we are stepping into the 18-month-old tantrum phase that makes me question every decision that I make. Every little thing where it's like, oh, is it because I let him watch some TV? Is it because I gave him some of that cake? Is it because and you just start to question every little thing why he's having tantrums or why he's having big emotions or why he's screaming and running around the house with no shirt on. It's just sometimes who he is. But also, it's a developmental thing right now. He doesn't have any impulse control. He's figuring things out and he's learning every day, and I can logically know that and also still question every little thing I'm doing. And especially when someone makes a comment

Everyone Has Opinions So What

SPEAKER_00 10:20

or somebody even gives you a look, right? It can make you feel so small and it can make you feel like you're doing everything wrong. And especially when it comes from someone who you love and respect, that a comment can make you question everything you're doing. And when that little seed of doubt is planted, your confidence shakes. When you start to become defensive about what you're doing, it is showing the world that you are not actually that confident in your decisions and in your choices. And I know I have my people on here who are opinionated and who are gonna question everything and really love a good fight. I see you. I love that for you. I am not that girly. I don't love a good fight. I would much rather peace and love and flowers and glitter everywhere all the time. But it's just not the reality, especially when kids are involved, especially when people we love are involved. But this little seed of doubt that can get placed really starts to make everything crumble. You start to doubt who you are, you start to doubt your decisions, you start to doubt, you know, how you're showing up in the world, you start to doubt that that outfit that you thought looked super hot now doesn't look so good anymore because of someone's silly comment. And this is where your lack of confidence starts to show. Just in these small little actions. Then you start to like pull on your outfit a little bit more. You start to maybe look in the mirror in different angles, you start to question how you've been showing up and how you've been talking to people, and that one thing that you said to that one person is replaying on a loop in your brain. That is when it's very clear that that lack of confidence is showing. And maybe it's not showing out loud to the rest of the world. I think that's one thing to recognize. It can also mean it's showing to yourself. I know when I'm in that spiral loop of this thing I said to the freaking mailman plays over and over and over again in my mind. I'm like, ooh, I really am lacking some confidence lately because that one quick one-minute interaction should not be affecting me as much as it is. And like, it could be the most positive interaction. It could have even been like the simplest, like, hi, how are you? You know, really simple things can sometimes play in a loop in my mind. And I know it's partly my anxiety, but I take this as a clear sign that maybe there's something disconnected. There's something that I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with in my own life, and maybe I'm not showing up as myself 100%. I shouldn't have to replay a conversation in my head over and over and over again to figure out if I looked cool, if I sounded cool, if I was, you know, intelligent, whatever, right? Insert the thing that you're struggling to face right now, insert that there. That is a clear indicator to me that I'm struggling in some way. So, where can we figure out what that piece is and how can we help ourselves to feel more confident in every situation, in every conversation, and in every decision? This comes back to the basics that I have talked about so many times. And if you have been listening to this podcast forever, you're gonna be like, Yes, I know this. I know this. Do I do it? Hmm, do you? Do you? Because I know I don't always do it. And that's why I keep coming back to creating these episodes because it's something that I face every time I do an episode like this, that it's something I faced or am facing or figuring out. I get so many people who are coming and saying, Me too, I'm facing that. So I often think it's a collective. We're all kind of facing some of the same lessons right now, and this one keeps popping up. Where are we lacking the confidence? Where are we having that self-doubt? And how can we shift it into a more confident version of ourselves? It is those really simple steps of getting to know yourself in the season. Did you just go through a big life transition? Did you just switch careers? Did you just switch a life vision, something that you have wanted for a really long time and you want to bring to life your goals, any kind of massive shift? Have you gone through a transition of some kind lately? And if the answer is yes, then we need to go back to the basics and make sure we're asking ourselves simple questions to get to know this version of ourselves so that we're not doubting every decision we make, every outfit we put on, every time we talk to someone. That is not normal. And it makes me really sad to think about you in a situation where you don't feel your best and you doubt your life, you doubt your decisions. And yeah, that happened to me over the weekend when it's just like the simplest, smallest thing, which probably meant nothing and wasn't even that big of a deal. But then I started to replay it in my head. And even now, for me to be sitting down and making this podcast episode, which let's be real, I make everything into a life lesson for this podcast, but it's obviously affecting me in some way and making me realize that there is a lack of confidence in the area of, you know, parenting my son or how I'm showing up, or this work and parent balance, sending my kid to daycare, all of these things, these thoughts in my mind, have these little seeds of doubt. If only we could be clear on our decisions and confident in our decisions, it's going to make every little thing that passes every other person who has an opinion have very little effect. We will become unshakable if we start to get really confident and clear in who we are and what we want in this world. So, how are we gonna

Find Your Seeds Of Doubt

SPEAKER_00 15:55

do that? Sis, how are we gonna do that? Well, first and foremost, we are gonna figure out the season of life we're in. Where are you right now? What are you going through? What are you going towards? What is it that you want? And where are those seeds of doubt? I want you to look at a week, a week in the life, and find where those seeds of doubt are being planted. So is it in your work life? Is it in how you show up on social media? Is it in your dreams? Is it in your parenting? Is it in insert the thing? Send me a message. Please send me a message and tell me where where those seeds of doubt are coming in. So for me lately, it is in my own style. I'm figuring out my style and getting ready to step into not necessarily a full rebrand, but updated photos and updated podcast cover and just an updated zhuzh of my life in this new version of myself. The picture on the pot top of the front of the podcast, I think, is from five years ago, okay? At least four and a half. It has been it's been there a while. And it's time for something fresh. I've been seven different versions of a human since that. But there is still those pieces of doubt because I'm not a hundred percent sure who this version is. I feel like I'm living in a transition period, and uh it's gonna change again. We know that, but for right now, I'm figuring out this next chapter with a little bit of a rebrand, and there's some doubt in that. There's also some doubt in this decision of sending my son to basically hang out all day with strangers, right? Until they become not strangers, but for the beginning, it's the strangest thing, right? You're dropping your kid off to to just random people. And that's terrifying. There are definitely some seeds of doubt there, and I also understand that from other people's perspectives, there are some doubts in my decision to do that, and there are some doubts in pursuing work over being home with him. And I think that that puts seeds of doubt, not even I think, I know that puts seeds of doubt in me, but we all know I'd go crazy. I'd go crazy if it was a full-time thing. And I feel really blessed to have this opportunity to do part-time childcare and also be able to hang out with you and to build this vision of my life that I want. But I need to get really clear on that and really confident in that because I know those seeds of doubt are there. There's some seeds of doubt in my health lately, too, right? We're getting ready to potentially consider expanding our family again. And I had a really, really rough pregnancy the first time. It was not ideal from week five to the delivery room. And I know I've said that so many times, and I don't say that to scare you because that's not everyone's story. That's actually not a normal story at all. And everyone will keep telling me every pregnancy is different, and every, you know, it's just gonna be it could be totally different. It could be, but it also could not be, and we don't know unless we do it, and at least now I understand that when people said it's worth it, it's worth it. He's awesome, like he's literally the best thing ever. So it'll be worth it, but it's still really hard. If you think about it, nine, ten months of being sick is still really rough, and I don't necessarily want to do it. There are seeds of doubt there for sure. And I could go on and on of where these seeds of doubt are lying in my life. But the better thing to do is to notice them and to think about where you could change those, what you could how you could water those seeds a little bit differently so that they come up with less doubt and more power and more positivity and more light in who you are, in more alignment, in more magic, right? Oh man, imagine putting a little bit of sparkle dust on these seeds and then coming out like beautiful toadstools with fairies sitting on them. Like, how freaking cool would that be? That's what I want. I don't want this doubt anymore. But, you know, as a positive Pollyanna, I will tell you the doubt is an indicator, and it's really helpful for us to see where those cracks are right now so that we can start to fill them in and fix them up and become the most confident, magical, badass people that we are. So, with these seeds of doubt that I'm telling you about as examples in my own life, I will be using those as tools to help me to see where I can create more confidence in those areas so that when someone questions it or someone gives me that, you know, little side-eye action, I know that I feel so good in my decision that it doesn't matter what someone else's opinion is. And sure, if someone wants to come at me, I'll probably just smile at them and shake my head and walk away. I am, I'm not gonna confront you on this, but at least I will know and walk away with my head held high, knowing who I am, and I'm

Practice Building Unshakable Confidence

SPEAKER_00 21:04

confident in the decisions I'm making. And I'd like to mention this comes with practice. Don't think that this is gonna become perfect overnight. You're gonna listen to this podcast episode, and tomorrow you are just gonna go wild. You'll be like, okay, I can do this now. No, that's not how it works, it's practice. So when someone's opinion comes in, unsolicited opinion comes in, you're able to practice with it, play with it. You're gonna mess up a few times. So when someone says something, you could craft up a response if that's easier for you. Or if you're like me, just like ignore it, let it roll off your shoulder. But this takes practice going forward. So in this next chapter, we're gonna go forward and figure out what those little seeds of doubt are. Where are those cracks in our foundation? Where is it that our lack of confidence is showing? I see you, I know, it sucks. And sometimes we need those people in our quarters. Who can either call us out on it or can also love us through it? I prefer the second one, if I'm being honest. I really prefer that soft love energy. And sometimes it doesn't always come that way. And so when we become more clear, when we become more strong in our opinions and in our visions and in who we are, the better everything is gonna be. And honestly, I truly do 100% believe that the world needs confident versions of everyone. Like imagine a world where everyone really truly believed in themselves. We didn't have this lack of self in every corner. We didn't have all of these, oh, I wanted to say unmotivated, but just like unjust sad versions of humans. It just, it really makes me sad. I had a conversation with someone over the weekend and it was really clear to me that a friend of theirs was hurting. A friend of theirs was lacking in who they were. And it just sucks. I truly wish that all women and all people, but my women in particular, could see their magic, could see their worth, could stand in their power and use their voice right now in this season that we're in, in this world that we're in, as everything is shifting and really see their worth. See that they are valuable. And I guess that's why I keep showing up on this podcast in hopes that maybe someday all women will believe that. So as I wrap up today's podcast episode, I just want to remind you to stop watering those seeds of doubt and start watering them into confidence and start watering them into growth and really give yourself that opportunity to let yourself shine through because oh, it's hard. It's so freaking hard. It's so freaking hard. And even with being vulnerable here, I know that I can trust you. I know that I just love hanging out with you and really being able to share everything that's on my heart with you in a safe way. I hope you know you can do that with me too. Please send me a message, connect with me online, send me a message on Instagram at Jess.clerk and let me know. What's that seed of doubt for you? What is it that you're trying to work through? And as you're working through it, know that you're not alone. You are not alone in figuring these things out. We're all through this season of navigating changes, navigating, getting to know ourselves in a new way, and really bringing to life the version of us we want to become. But I don't know about you. It can feel a little uncomfy because that higher version of us sometimes feels really attain unattainable. I almost said attainable. I think it's because I know it's attainable, but sometimes it feels so far out of reach that it just, yeah, the seed of doubt is that I could never become that version. And that's not true. That's not true. We just have to surround ourselves with the right people who start to see that in us, and we gotta start shaking off the doubt that comes from other people. Doesn't matter. Shake it, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off, okay? Because you're so much cooler, you are so much wiser, and you are so much more magical than whoever's throwing shade your way, whoever's throwing doubt your way. And so I just want to remind you that you are so freaking wonderful. You are so magical. And you just need that little push. Maybe you just need that little push today to let that doubt shake off. Next time that you are thinking about that doubt a little too much, or you're thinking about that thing that somebody said to you a little too much, or you're replaying that conversation in your head too many times, I want you to come back here. I want you to come back here and hang out with me for a little bit, or even send me a message because I know when we have the right people in our corner, it makes a big difference. So I love you so much. I'm so freaking proud of you, and I think it's time to show the world the most confident version of you, baby. I love you.