[309] Stop Letting Other People’s Fear Lead

Someone hears your dream and suddenly it feels risky, unrealistic, or “too much.” That moment can look like advice, concern, or even excitement, but underneath it is often the same thing: projection. We’re talking about what happens when other people’s fears and “shoulds” get placed onto your choices, and how quickly that can shrink your confidence if you don’t have protection around your ideas.

We also get real about social media comparison and information overload, because a five minute scroll can send you straight into the spiral of “Am I doing this right?” and “Do I need to change everything?” I share the boundaries that help me stop the loop, why I keep certain dreams private until they’re strong, and how community support can feel totally different when it’s built on safety instead of opinions. If you’re craving connection without the constant noise, I also share what we’re building inside the Selfish Sisterhood, with both in-person meetups and virtual calls.

If this hits home, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs a confidence boost, and leave a review so more women can find Selfish Confidence.

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Transcript

Welcome To Selfish Confidence

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess, and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started.

Shaking Up The Podcast Energy

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Shake it up! Shake it up. I literally just spent way too long looking at ideas and playing with things, and then I remembered, oh yeah, I only have so much time. I really should record this episode. And what I mean by shake it up and just feel in an energy shift where I want to recreate the podcast cover, which is in the works, and create a little maybe a new jingle jingle jangle jingle jangle for the intro and really just keep it as simple as possible because I bet, and you can tell me if you're wrong, but if I'm wrong, if you're wrong, who's wrong? Maybe we're all wrong, but you can tell me if I'm wrong when most people just skip over the intro anyway, right? We have that option on Netflix, we have that option on all of our streaming services to just skip the intro, and I bet that you're skipping the intro. So, like, what's the freaking point of me even putting it in there? So I guess that's just me giving you a little warning that things are gonna switch up around here. The topics are not gonna switch up, the energy that I bring you is not gonna switch up, but what is gonna switch up is I just feel like we need a shift. We've had that same cover art for way too long, and yeah, our intro has also been the same intro since 2023. And I was looking at changing it last year, and a few people were like, No, no, don't change it. I love it. And now I'm just feeling like maybe it's time to switch. Switch the switch, switch it up, switch, switch it, switch, you know, a little bit. And yeah. Keep it simple, keep it fresh, and give you a little bit more of what you're here for, which is don't think is the intro. I think it's more of hanging out with me and sipping some tea and just uh maybe some insights into my crazy, crazy brain,

The Social Media Comparison Spiral

SPEAKER_00 2:40

right? I know I'm not the only one who does this because I talk to so many of you who kind of feel the same way, where there can be a shift or something that you want to do, or you're like, oh, I need to do this one thing, and then we open up a million other tabs and do everything else except for that one thing. I think that's kind of what I was doing tonight. Oh man, oh man, I scrolled on social media for way too long, and I have boundaries on my phone or parameters on my phone that make it that I can't really scroll. I need them, but I don't have those on my laptop. So when I opened up my laptop and was just checking my DMs and and connecting with a few of you on there, I got trapped. I got trapped, and it sucked me in way too far into this portal of who the heck knows. And then uh I remembered why I don't scroll. It took me into the weirdest places. I don't know if your social media, Instagram in particular, is like that too. It just takes you down this rabbit hole, and then I get in my head, right? I get in that comparison trap, I get in, am I doing the right thing? Should I be changing things up? How does this look? How does this feel for me? Is the world gonna end? What the heck is going on? And all this, all of this stuff. And I try to avoid a lot of media for that reason because I can get in my head so easily, and it makes it really hard to show up authentically, to show up as myself, to show up in any way, because we get I get trapped in that comparison. And please send me a message if you're the same way, if you feel the same way, and you're just like, yeah, I get stuck in it too. And it is paralyzing when you get into this mode of consuming so much information. It's not only paralyzing because we're comparing ourselves to everyone else. I find it paralyzing because I just get overwhelmed and anxious and exhausted. Like I've consumed so much content, even if it was only 20 minutes, right? So much information in 20 minutes that I'm just pooped. I'm exhausted, I'm done. And we receive more information in like five minutes of social media scrolling than our grandparents did in a whole day, maybe even in a whole week, right? They had the radio, maybe a little bit of TV, some black and white action on TV there. Like they were not consuming content the way that we are. Even if you spent all day in the library reading books, reading a book, you are not consuming information the way that we do now. And I think it would have been a peaceful life, right? To not know everything that we know all the time, instantly, even just thinking about like events that happen. Like we are aware of events that happen all over the world within minutes, if you want it, right? You can get notifications set up to find out as soon as things happen. And I just think it's a little too overwhelming, it's really overwhelming for me. So that's why I have set up a lot of parameters on my phone that make it that I can't scroll too much. I wouldn't say it's like a not at all thing. I can like within like five minute increments, and if I want to keep going, I can keep going, but I need that like reminder to just shut it off after five minutes. Because if not, I'm gonna I'm just keep going. I'm just gonna keep going and going and going. And it is really hard to shut it out. And that's what happened before I got on this podcast tonight. I was like, man, I was sitting down, getting ready to get in the zone to chit-chat with you, and then I just got in a loop. And yeah, I bet you also face those loops too, and they're really hard to get out of. I'd be curious to know what loop you get stuck in, and what the result is from that loop that you get stuck in. So if it's scrolling, like what comes from the other side of it, do you find that you're like, oh, actually it was super entertaining and it was super fun and I really enjoyed it? Or are you feeling drained and just yeah, a little off with it too? I've had a lot of conversations with people lately who have felt a pull away from social media, I think mostly for that reason. They have their creators that they like to check in with. Maybe they've gotten subscriptions to those creators, so they're like, oh, I can actually get off social media a bit more and still be connected to these people. So I see you. I

A Community Beyond The Scroll

SPEAKER_00 7:10

see you. And if that's something that you're looking for and you're like, I would love to be connected with you, Jess, and be in your circle, but I just am trying to step back from social media a little bit more. Maybe the selfish sisterhood is for you. We actually just on the weekend had our sisterhood brunch. So if you're in person in Halifax, every other month we have an in-person brunch where you can come together and you can meet in real life and connect with your sisters and really just have a place where you can get away from life and enjoy a little bit of fun, some good food, some good company. And we also have our virtual aspect. So every month I've been dabbling with the schedule a little bit more to see what works best for the sisters who are in there. And as we grow, we will figure out what best platform works for our growing community. But for right now, we meet every other week for a connector call. It's like our sisterhood chat. If you were in the original sisterhood and a place where you can come and chit-chat with your sisters and talk about your goals and talk about your business and talk about, you know, whatever it is on your heart that you need support and advice and just fun and celebrations with. This is the place to do that. And then once we have once a month, we also have an in-person meetup, whether that's a family meetup or it is our brunch meetups, which is super fun. And we also have a group chat where you can chit-chat about everything that you need on the go. We do celebrations. We just had a sister celebrating winning plants at Plant Bingo, or you know, starting and finishing different workout programs or accepting new positions at work or taking rest where they need it. Like we have conversations about everything. And if you're a mom, we also have a mom's club option to be able to add on and just vent about being a mom sometimes and ask questions about things and really just have a place where you feel 100% supported. Oh man o man, we need it. We need it. And I was actually talking with some of the sisters who were on the selfish retreat in Barbados that we talked about on last week's podcast episode, and they said, wow, I wonder what Jess, who lived in Barbados in 2020, 2021, would think about where you're at now. And here you are back with a group of women around you and all of these amazing connections and you know, sisters in your pocket that you could text on the whim. And I was just like, Yeah, man, this is the version of me that I always wanted, and something I always wanted created was a community, and to see it come to life because Jess, who lived in Barbados, had no friends, had no life, had nothing really going on, nothing going on except her and her two cats, right? And to see it all play out like this is wild. Full circle moment to know that I have a community in my pocket on the go wherever I am, whenever I need it, and I can get a boost from sisters and from friends, and I can get advice from sisters and friends, and it's just the best, it's the absolute best. So if you're looking for a space like that, it's $33 a month, Canadian, and I will put all the information in the show notes for you so that you can sign up and get in there before our next connector call, which is next Sunday. We do our connector calls on Sunday nights, and yeah, I'd love to see you in there. I'd love to see you in there.

What Projections Look Like

SPEAKER_00 10:37

And with that being said, let's get into the meat of today's podcast episode, which is all about projections. And I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, this idea of people projecting things onto you. And if you don't know what that means, this just means when someone is, you know, putting their own feelings, their fears, their insecurities, their motives, their thoughts and traits onto you, often without even realizing it, it's just kind of, you know, they're telling you how you should live your life when in reality it's almost like a mirror for them. And this can come up in all different kinds of ways. It can come up in our family relationships, it can come up even on this podcast, right? If you were to come to me and be like, oh, you know, this is what I want to do. And I'd be like, oh, is that really such a good idea? You know, me. I would actually never say that. I'd be like, hell yeah, how can we make this happen? But honestly, it can come in all different ways. And typically, it can come from the people who love us the most, right? Because they want to protect us, they want to keep us safe, they want us to not experience pain like they did. And so when you have this really cool idea and you're like, I want to run a marathon, right? Or start a business or adopt a puppy, right? All of these little things that you're like, oh yeah, actually those are huge things. All of these things that we want to do and we start to dream up, we might tell someone about it and they're like, hmm, do you really think that's such a good idea? Well, I don't know. Can your knees really handle running a marathon? Do you really have enough time to start a business? I don't know, puppies are a lot of work and they're pretty annoying. Are you sure you want that? You gotta take them for a walk and pick up their poo. And it can be so annoying. You have this idea of something you want to do, and instantly, instead of it having this motivation from someone that you love, it actually has I don't know what's the word, demotivation, unmotivation, something that turns you off, right? It is actually not helping you at all, which is what I think I have done is created this bubble around me to almost not tell people what I want or what I'm doing until I am fully in it and at the end goal, which is so funny that I tell you at the start of this that I really want to switch things up and change things up. You know why? It's because I trust you with that and I absolutely love you with my whole heart, and I know that you're not projecting onto me your own thoughts. You're just like, okay, cool, I'm in for it. Let's see what happens, let's play it out. And I think it's when we find those safe spaces that we can actually share what we're feeling and thinking without judgment. Oh, it's the best feeling in the world. It is the best feeling in the world. And I'm not just saying it when I say the sisterhood is that space, selfish retreats is that space. I have like built this beautiful bubble around me of amazing women that makes this easier because this energy of projections is around us in most of our day-to-day lives. It can be a coworker, it can be a parent, it can be so many people. So many people. Social media, right? Scrolling on social media and they're gonna project their thoughts, not maybe directly onto you, but you watching their videos and consuming their content might alter how you feel about your ideas. And side note on this too. This can also happen in a really positive way. This could also happen almost with over excitement support when you have a new project, like you're like, oh, I'm super into painting, or I've started this new craft, and maybe you're a little good at it, and not only a little good at it, you're super good at it. And people start projecting their thoughts, like maybe you should start a business, maybe you should get a booth at the local market, maybe you should start a website, you should share this on social media more, you should, you should, you should, you should, you should, you should, you should, and you're just like, oh my gosh, you should shut up. This can happen in both ways. Both those projections that make us question everything and question our capabilities, and also these projections that almost over-exaggerate our capabilities, and we just can't keep up with this should energy from someone else. I want you to think about a moment in your life where you can pinpoint something exactly like this happening, whether that's in a positive way or in a negative way, in a difficult way, I'd be really curious to see what this looks like and what this image for you is. Because I bet that you can think one. Maybe it's even a teacher, right, in high school that you said, hey, I want to go into this program. And they're like, Oh, maybe you should consider this, or have you tried this, or maybe this? And instead of just being really excited for you, they place doubt in your mind. Oh, I know it's so annoying. So when stuff like this happens, I want to give you a few tools that maybe you could put into your tool belt because it is inevitable, it's gonna happen.

Tools To Stay Grounded

SPEAKER_00 15:59

So when it does, I want you to be ready. I want you to, you know, be a little more clear on what it is that you want. So first and foremost, I think that's the most important thing. Get clear on what it is you want. We've talked about this so many times when I tell you to ask yourself silly questions or start to get to know yourself like you would your best friend. It is the key to confidence, it's the key to absolutely everything. And I think if you can get really clear, and not even I think, I know, if you can get clear on what it is you want, and that doesn't have to be a hundred percent, but it's just an understanding of the direction you want to go to go in, once you're there and can understand that, that's when you can bring this to other people. And if you are someone, again, I've talked about human design in here a little bit, but also let's dive into it a little bit more. If you are someone who is self-projected in the human design space, if you're someone who feels like you need to speak things out and talk things out in order for you to get that clarity, I just want you to find the safest people for that. Okay, so if that is like you're a person who just needs to voice things out a lot more, find your bestie that you know you can voice things out to without there being any projections, without there being any opinions. Just find those safe places. But if you are like me, and maybe you like to do this in your head or in your journal or in meditation or in wherever, okay, the note section of your phone, my super messy note section of my phone, with every little idea and every little dream that I have, do that first. Get clear on what it is. And I think that this is the best place to start. I also have a few safe people for different things that I can kind of chat things out with, or maybe be like, what do you think about this idea? When you are looking at someone and you say, What do you think about this idea? You're you're honestly looking for their opinion, right? Make sure you're asking the right people. So know what you want, know the direction you want to go in, get clear on your ideas first, and then take it to your audience and let that audience be some really badass people, some cool people who are going to be level with you, who are gonna bring you up, who are going to help you, and not project things onto you. You don't have to tell the whole world what you want to achieve, okay? You can keep some things to yourself. You can keep some things in your diary with a little lock on it, picturing my little diary when I was a kid, like that. You'd be like, uh today I ate grilled cheese for lunch and like put a lock on it like it was the most sacred information in the whole world. Do that, put a lock on it, even if it feels silly because you wrote in the note section on your phone that you ate grilled cheese for lunch, okay? It's okay, right? Some things are better safe in our note section and not in the hands of the world. And it's so funny because I just started to record about having a thick skin. Like, oh, I can put this out there, and I'm not worried about what people think. That is a lie, a lie I am telling myself. I don't have a thick skin. I am pretty sensitive to people's opinions, and I think that's why I've kind of put this wall up of protection around my ideas, because I am afraid of projections. And that is something that I have kind of built over the last however long, however long I have been in my adult years, and I just keep this bubble around me sometimes when there's something new I want to create, when there's an idea that I have or a course that I have. Sometimes I'll dabble this with other people, uh, again, my safe people, but for the most part, I keep it in the note section of my phone until I'm ready to bring it to life. And I challenge you to do that too, because sometimes we need to s keep things safe before we put them out to the world, because the world is a scary freaking place, right? There are some things I can put out there on social media and not be too worried about it, but there's a lot of things. I was just having this conversation with someone the other day about mom shame, right? These little things that people might say, or the look that you get in the grocery store. And that energy is a projection too, right? They're projecting onto you how they think you should parent and how they would have parented. And I feel super emotional as I say that because it's really tough. Not just for parents, but for all women. We're faced with these projections in the world around us all the time. How we should dress, what jobs we should have, whether we should stay home with our kids or whether we should send them to daycare, right? What schools they should go to, what schools we should go to, should you have gone to school at all? What you should have gone to school for, these projections that we have that can often feel so harmless because it's just someone else's quick opinion, right? But they really do instill doubt in our minds. They start to make us question our alignment and our thoughts and our choices. And if you've been around this podcast for a while, we're all about supporting unconventional ways of living life and doing things differently. And when we go against the grain, we go against societal norms, it makes it really hard to ignore the noise because we often think of the noise ourselves too. So if you're someone who faces a lot of projections from family, friends, whoever, and know that you're not alone in that. There's a reason that this podcast episode has been on my heart. It's probably because you needed to hear it. And so once you get clear on what it is you want, once you've found your safe people that you can share with, I want you to practice having. Some of these conversations. Maybe it is actually having the conversation with someone and having a response. I used to do this all the time. Have my responses written out before I go and have a conversation.

Part-Time Work And Fear Of Judgment

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Because you know how it's gonna go. You know some of these people who you want to say things to. I actually remember when I dropped down. I was working a full-time job as a digital marketer and I was running like 30, 40 social media accounts, and it was nuts. I was burnt out all the freaking time. I was on all the time. I had my personal phone, I had my work phone, and it was just so busy. And I dropped from full-time to part-time. And it was the best decision. I needed a little more space in my life. I was also working at a gym. I was also building an online brand at the time. Like it was a lot, and I needed more time. I needed some of my time back and I needed some of my energy back. And so I dropped down and I actually didn't tell my family. And I really, I didn't tell a lot of people because of that projection of working part-time, right? Who does she think she is? How is she gonna pay her bills? Do you really know what you're doing? And also one that I really struggle with is that projection of laziness. I come from a hard-working family. They are working, working, working, right? And I can sometimes struggle with how much time and energy and work that I put in. And again, in the human design world, I've learned about my design and I know that I do and live differently, and that's okay, but it still can be a really difficult one, especially when we're making these big life decisions. So I remember not telling anyone for a really long time. And then even after that, I lost my job in the pandemic because, well, primarily my digital marketing work was with tourism. I was like, oh, we had like seven hotels that I managed their websites and managed their social media. And well, for a little bit there, nobody was going to them. And why are they gonna hire a social media person uh to advertise their hotels that people can't come to? It was the strangest time when you look back on it. And it's those things, those moments where you make big decisions, whether you made them or you know, a pandemic made them for you, but it is gonna create stress and energy in other people, and they're gonna project their thoughts onto you. They're gonna perce project their ideas of what you should do in these situations onto you. So get clear on what it is that you want. And for me, I wanted that. I didn't want to be working in this role. It felt like a really great time to switch things up and to go into this different direction. And yeah, I have the best and most supportive partner that he was just like, yeah, let's do it. It's not a big deal. Like, follow your heart, girl. So follow your heart, sis. Maybe you need that permission from someone else to remind you that you can go after what it is you want. You can make these big moves, even if it looks different than what society thinks is the right move for you.

Do It Scared And Do It Quietly

SPEAKER_00 25:21

I don't know if you're feeling this, but I bet you are. The world is freaking shifting. And it is actually super scary because there's so much anun out there. It we are at the point where you're like, I literally don't know where the next 10 years are gonna take us and what life's gonna look like in 10 years. And that's just not because I don't know what my life's gonna look like in 10 years, but like we don't know what the world is gonna look like in 10 years. It is shifting every single day. And I think it's the time, it's the best time for you to shift with it, to shake things up, to step into the unknown because it's already unknown already. Like it's unknown already. The world is unknown already. So why not shake it up a little bit more? Follow what you're being called to follow. Play with what you're being called to play. Like it doesn't have to be big things. Maybe you're just feeling this like gut feeling to sign up for a baseball team or for that art class or for public speaking class, like whatever it is that you're feeling that little itch for, follow it. And you don't have to tell everyone what you're signing up for. You don't have to tell anyone. You don't have to tell your mom that you signed up for a pottery class. You don't have to tell, you know, your mentor that you're deciding to try something new and play with public speaking, right? Someone just like retched in their mouth when I said that. They're like, I am not doing public speaking, Jess. That sounds awful. Meanwhile, it's my favorite thing to do, right? It's about finding what you want to do and playing with it. Go after it, find that joy. Oh man, I feel the emotions as I say it because you need to find that joy. I know when I have this like body response that there's someone who's listening to this who also is feeling that. So if it's you, please send me a message so that I know I'm not totally crazy sitting over here having this like visceral response to a message that I probably need to hear too, right? But I really, really, really, really, really don't want you to hold yourself back because of the fear of what someone else is gonna say. I did that for so long. It is not worth it. We'd probably be a lot further along on this podcast journey had I had started sooner because I wasn't afraid of what other people would say. Oh man, I had so many people tell me I should start a podcast, and I would laugh in their face. I wish I listened to them. I wish I started sooner. Because this is like my favorite platform and the best place to hang out with you. And imagine I didn't start it because somebody told me that nobody was gonna want to listen, that someone was me. But imagine I never started. We wouldn't be hanging out here. I want you to lean to that energy when it comes to the thing that's on your heart, that thing that's in your stomach right now that you're just like, I need to do this thing, but I'm so freaking scared. Do it scared and do it without telling people. Don't let other people's fears and other people's projections hold you back. I think that's a big one with a lot of people when they say, Oh, well, you know, what are people gonna think? It doesn't matter what people are going to think. What matters is that you are doing what you love, you are doing something different, you are following that little itch in your belly, and you're starting something. It's okay if you're scared. I'm scared with you, okay? We're figuring this out day to day together. But I really want you to go after it because you only get one shot. You only get one life. Go do the thing you want to do. And think also sometimes this is helpful for me, thinking of the older version of me who's looking back on my life. Oh man, you want me to cry? Think about that. 80-year-old me sitting in the nursing home, rocking in a rocking chair, holding my honeybear's hand, and thinking about my life. And do you really want to be in that moment thinking about all the things you wished you did? Or do you want to be in that moment thinking about all the good stories, all the good times, and all of the memories that you created because you went after what you wanted, because you changed your mind and you tried something new, because you decided to dabble in the craft of whatever craft you're feeling today. I want you to try it. Play with it, have some fun, and stop worrying so much about what everybody else is thinking, what everybody else is doing, put some boundaries on your social media, stop scrolling so much, and start to really see that you have gifts, that you deserve to have fun too, and what other people are gonna say, it really, really, really doesn't matter. Even if it's someone who you love and respect so deeply, your opinion matters first. And real quick while I wrap up this podcast episode, when someone does project something onto you and it makes you question everything, which happens to me more than I'd like to admit, if you are not clear on what it is you want, it's gonna waver a little bit,

Boundary Scripts And Final Push

SPEAKER_00 30:46

right? So set some of those boundaries in place when you're having conversations with people before you go into them. If you're just like still a little unsure on where you want to go and what you want to do, just say, you know what, I have this idea and I want to share it with you. I don't really want your opinion, but I really want to include you in this. So if you could be supportive, that'd be great. Find the people who you can say that to who are not going to be defensive about it, because I think that that's the best place to start when it comes to sharing your ideas is letting people know that you want to share it with them, that you want to communicate with them and you want to celebrate with them, but also like can you keep your opinions to yourself? Because I'm still in my building phase, I'm still in my zone of genius here, and it can be a little shaky until I figure out what I really want. So here's my idea, and also keep your opinions to yourself. Thank you very much. But like do it in a kind way, you don't have to like slap them in the face or anything. Do it in a kind way, but communicate that and set those boundaries with people so that their projections don't come out and change everything that you thought you wanted, that you, the direction that you want to go in. If you're in a sensitive place, either keep it to yourself or set those boundaries up first. That's my like biggest, biggest takeaway from all of this because it's hard. It's really hard. And if you're like me and other people's opinions can change things pretty quick for you. I highly recommend keeping these things to yourself or sending them to me because you know I'm gonna hype you up 100% of the time, and I am not putting my fear on you. If anything, I'm projecting my magic onto you, and then you're gonna have to go after it. So if you need a little push, you need a little nudge, send it over to me. I will be in your corner 100%, pushing you in the direction to follow whatever it is that's on your heart. So I hope that you are having the best week and you are not letting other people's opinions hold you back, okay? Because you deserve better than that, my sister. So I love you so much, and I can't wait to talk to you next week. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget, you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.