[307] How To Quit The Comparison Trap And Trust Your Own Path

Comparison has a sneaky way of dressing up like motivation, then leaving you with that heavy “I’m not doing enough” feeling. While I’m in full pre-retreat mode packing for Barbados (organized chaos and a suitcase that’s barely under 50 pounds), I wanted to sit down with you for a quick, honest reset on the comparison game and why it keeps showing up even when life is going well.

We talk about what’s really happening when social media comparison spikes your anxiety and self-doubt. We’re consuming more information than our brains were built for, and it can mess with focus, memory, and mental health, especially when you’re constantly seeing a curated glimpse into other people’s routines, bodies, businesses, and relationships. I share a simple way to start breaking the pattern: identify where the “not enough” message comes from, then change the input. That can mean muting accounts, limiting certain shows, and being more intentional about what you let shape your self-worth.

If something on your heart keeps popping up, let this be your nudge to take one small step and tell me what it is. Subscribe for more honest confidence talks, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more women can find the show.

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Transcript

Welcome To Selfish Confidence

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess, and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. And I know last week I said that I had a mess all over my office because I was getting ready for Barbados retreat. But this week I feel it's not as much a mess. It's kind of organized chaos at this point. But oh my goodness, we are packed and ready to go. Because when I am recording this, I will be heading out of the house tomorrow. Tomorrow, which is wild to think about because this is something that I've been planning for for over a year. Maybe even more than that, probably since the last time we went to Barbados, which was in 2024. And yeah, it's just really, really exciting. I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine who was like, is there anything you need to vent about? Is there anything you're stressed about? You know, lay it on me. And I was like, honestly, I'm feeling really good. Is there something I've forgotten? Probably. I have been planning this retreat basically in like nap time pockets or in the evenings or whenever I have a moment. So yeah, I've probably dropped the ball on something, but nobody's gonna know but me. And so I'm just rolling with that energy. And I'm also rolling with the energy of like everything always works out for me. Everything is always working out for me. And yeah, and just trusting, trusting in the divine and trusting in, you know, what the universe has in store for us this week coming up. And I think that that makes a really big difference when it comes to planning retreats. If you're someone who's listening to us, you're like, I'd love to plan a retreat someday, or I'd love to go to one of your retreats. I've been getting that message so much lately, is is just like going with the flow, is really the best thing that you can do. Of course, you need a plan. You can't just show up and be like, hey, let's party. But you do have to have like some kind of plan and organization, but you really also need to be as flexible as possible because things aren't gonna go the way that you envisioned in your head. They never do, whether it's a weekend retreat or a full week away, it never goes the way that you think it's gonna go. So you just have to allow there to be space for flexibility, space for flow. And if you can keep your stress down, everybody else is gonna benefit from that. Everyone's gonna benefit from that. And I just think that those are like the top pieces when it comes to retreats, is just flowing. So I feel pretty good. I feel pretty organized. I just closed my big suitcase and it's 49 and a half pounds, and I have to be under 50. So I feel like that's a win. That's a win. So I'm just taking it, taking every little bit of magic as we get ready to, yeah, take on a new adventure. And this feels like a totally different adventure. Like going back to Barbados again feels very different because this time, yeah, I'm going as a mom, which I never ever anticipated happening, and experiencing this whole retreat with a few new girls who didn't come to the last one, who've been to retreats before, who are totally new to my world too. And I'm really excited for this beautiful blend. I'm a firm believer in who's meant to be there is gonna be there. Like I stand by that. That's why I don't stress about synapses. I always know that who is meant to be there and who God wants to be there is going to be there. And I just I feel like it takes a lot of pressure off because I know the group is just incredible. Like incredible. Anyways, that's just me venting about how excited I am and how ready I am to just scoot on away for a little bit, to not read the same books over and over and over again, and yeah, to not have to cook three meals a day. That's I think that's the highlight. Honestly, it feels like a vacation for me too. I'm just saying. Um, I am fully immersed in it also being a vacation for me, and I think that is just the best energy for something like this. So, and with that being said, today's episode is gonna be a little quickie quickie because obviously we got a lot going on over here, but also I really wanted to talk to you about the comparison game. And I know that we've talked about this a lot, but I believe that this comes up all the time and it is coming up more and more and more, even in my own, like especially in my own life. I should like not even when I say even in my own life, especially in my own life. And when there is a lesson that I am learning, it often means that other people are learning it too. When I'm vulnerable enough to share something that I'm learning, I feel like there's so many people who are like, oh my gosh, me too. I see you, sis. And this really taps onto what we talked about last week, which is all about that not enoughness, that energy of just like not feeling like you're doing enough. And I really think that that comes from the issue of comparison, right? We're seeing what other people are doing, we are seeing what others are posting online, and we are getting in our heads that we're not good enough. So annoying, right? If only we could all just live in our bubble, put our glitter goggles on, live in our bubble, and not worry about what other people were doing. Man, how good would that feel? Right? Let's go back to 1995, where the only access we had to the internet meant that you couldn't call us. And the only game that you could play was Freddy the Fish. Please, somebody else tell me that they loved Freddy the Fish. And if you were like, I don't know what you're talking about, okay. I see you. I see you. Or like when you'd get a video game in your cereal box. Oh my gosh, life was good. Roller Coaster Tycoon, OMG, let's say it. But that's not our reality anymore. That's not the life we live in. We are not getting games in our cereal boxes anymore, unfortunately. And we have everything at our fingertips all the time, right? Like I could go right now and find out any piece of information I would want to find out. Honestly, sometimes even about anyone, right? Because think about it. There's that friend that's like, oh, what was their first name and what high school did they go to? And I'll get all their information. We can get so much information on the internet that we just didn't have 30 years ago. And because of that, we are having, I say we, and you could come at me and be like, Jess, not me. Okay, not me, just you. Sure. But I I I think I think we're kind of all feeling the same thing, but we're having memory issues because of this. We are consuming so much information at a speed that we were never meant to receive this information in. And it is causing us, yeah, to have memory issues. It's causing us to have higher mental health issues, it is causing us to really struggle in this world of comparison because we are getting a glimpse into other people's lives that we were never meant to see. And you know what? Some of it's super fun, right? I get it. I love social media too. I think it's an awesome tool, a great way to connect. We probably wouldn't be in contact with each other or connected if it wasn't for social media. So, like, that's a huge win right there, just so that we can be friends. Like, how great is that? And with every good thing that comes with the internet, there's also a lot of hard things, right? And dark things. And that comparison can be one of them. And so when we're struggling with this energy of not being enough, not doing enough, I challenge you to look at what you're consuming. Where are you getting this message from? Maybe it's from someone in your direct life, right? Maybe it's from a parent, maybe it's from a partner, maybe it's from your boss, uh, even your kids, right? It can ha we can be getting this message from somewhere in our everyday life. So I would look at that first. And if it's not coming from there, I challenge you to look at what you're consuming online and even like in the evening times when you're hanging out and just like watching some TV, right? What's the messaging that you're getting in these TV shows that you're watching that are making you struggle with your value that's making you struggle with this comparison energy? And as soon as you can pinpoint where it's coming from, and maybe it's not coming from one direct source, maybe it's coming from a whole bunch of things, okay? So just make a whole list of all of the things that you think this might be coming from and start to cross those things off, right? Start to put some blockers on your social media so maybe we can mute a few people who we're feeling like we're comparing ourselves to. Maybe we can limit some of the TV shows we're watching, and maybe we can also take action. What is it that you're telling yourself that you're not doing enough of? And is there an opportunity for you to actually step up and do that thing that you've been wanting to do? A big one for me is showing up on social media. And maybe you're listening to this and you're like, Jess, you do show up on social media. I show up on my stories a lot. That is a very comfortable place for me. It feels very much like podcasting where I can sit down and I can hang out with you and I can be like, what's up? We be chilling in our stories because it only lasts for 24 hours. But the same thing I'm posting on my stories, I literally could post on my feed, but I'm not doing it. And I haven't been doing it because I've always been really scared. You see, all these people who post perfect content online, but actually, right before coming down and recording this podcast, I saw a video that talked about the best content that's converting right now is this kind of content that's like free flow and easygoing and just like chit-chat to the camera with very little editing editing. So I feel like I'm in my era and I just have to do it, so hold me to it. But I get stuck in that trap of, well, I can't do it like this person, I can't do it like that person, but that's the whole point, right? We're supposed to do it our way. And so when we're struggling with this comparison, know that you're not meant to do it like anyone else. You're meant to do it like you. And I think we get tripped up in that because there's nothing out there that looks like how you want to do it, and that's because you're meant to create it. That is because you're meant to do it, you're meant to be the first, and I know that sucks because it's so annoying, because it'd be so much easier to just copy and paste or put it in Chat GBT and be like, how can I become this or how can I do that? You're supposed to do it, you're just supposed to take the action, you're supposed to step. So when we're looking at these things that we're comparing ourselves to because we think they are so much better than us, they just have more reps in than us. That's it. They're not better. Well, they're better at where they are now because they've been doing it for longer. We have to get into that beginner energy and just try, step out there, do the cringe thing, like be super afraid and just do it anyway. Because all of these people who we admire on social media and on TV and on the radio and wherever you're consuming your content, all of these people started somewhere, right? You could be listening to this podcast and be like, I always wanted to start a podcast, but I never did. And I've been saying that since 2020. Jess is at episode 306. Like, how crazy is that? All because I started. And imperfectly, I might add, like very imperfectly, especially last year after having my son, like there was a massive fluctuation in some weeks there was episodes and some weeks there wasn't. And you know, some episodes are messy and some are together. It just is so imperfect, but it brings me joy to show up. So if there's something that's on your heart that brings you joy to do, but you're not doing it because Sally Sue over there is way better at it than you, or the market is saturated, blah blah blah, all the things, okay? I just saw an ad on social media for another electrolyte blend, right? There are electrolytes every freaking where. But that doesn't mean that this one's not going to be successful. It actually looked like it had some great flavors. There is room for everyone to succeed. So remember that when you're putting yourself out there. Be cringe, let it be messy, let it be imperfect, but know if it's meant for you, it's going to boom. It's going to be great. And I go in the direction of action because I know a lot of people who listen to this podcast are entrepreneurs who are in network marketing, who are sharing things online or are looking to create something. But that doesn't necessarily mean that this can't be applied to everyday life. I think we get caught up in the not enoughness of, you know, not moving our bodies enough. I know that because in the sisterhood we're talking about this stuff, you know, not getting enough done even in something as simple as meal prepping or getting our hours in at work or even getting our self-care in, like getting our water in. All of these things that we can be like really simple and everyday tasks can be so daunting because our schedules are so freaking full. So that's my other point. When we're looking at comparison, it's not a side-by-side. It's not Sally Sue is doing all of these things, and you know, maybe she has more time, right? Maybe she's not working full time, maybe she has extra support at home that you don't have. It's not a side-by-side comparison, and we are making it that. Like we are looking at it as if only I could do it like this person and blah, blah, blah, blah, all these things that we tell ourselves, but we forget that maybe she has a social media team behind her, right? Maybe she has an assistant. I think a lot of people message me, especially last year, again, being postpartum. I'm like, I don't know how you're getting it all done. I had an assistant. Like I had someone who could help me. And I'm very transparent about that. I'm never gonna be like, oh yeah, I do do it all. I stay up late. No, I'm not staying up late, okay? Sleep is my number one priority, okay? I will not be staying up late to do content. So also remember that, right? I've been seeing Whitney Levitt, if you are in the world of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, and she has been on Broadway recently, and I started following her private chef who comes in and cooks her meals. And I think it's fascinating because the food looks delicious and it's just fun to watch. But like, you know, she's doing all of these things. Again, her husband is in dad mode. He's a stay-at-home dad. I'm sure they have nannies, and she has a private chef that's coming in and cooking their food. She probably has a personal trainer, she has a whole team around her, right? And that's not downplaying her success right now at all. She is killing it, she's doing amazing things, and I love watching it, but also remembering that she has a team around her, she has people supporting her. So when you're comparing yourself to someone online, I want you just take a little second and remember it's not a side-by-side, okay? You do not have the same circumstances that they have, you don't have the same hours that they have, you don't have the same team that they have. They are working in a different world. And so we need to start to bring ourselves back a little bit and refocus that comparison, okay? What is it in that comparison that we are trying to see? Is it that, you know, she's on Broadway and I'd love to be on Broadway someday? For me, no, that's not my thing. But maybe for you it is. So how can we take a step to get there and remember that we're just in different realms right now? It doesn't mean that Broadway's off your table. It doesn't mean that you can't get there. It just means that we're at a different chapter right now. And honestly, that comparison is also part of that proof that it's possible. Like she got there. She went from doing TikTok dances in hospital rooms, okay, to Broadway. If there's anything that tells you that it's possible, that's one of them. I actually have a couple of those stories in my pocket that I'm always like, you know what? If that person can do it, anyone can. Right? Anyone can. And she also shows you that even the amount of times that you fall down, you get back up and you keep going until you get to Broadway. My sisters, that is like the coolest thing if you think about it. So remember that. If you're trapped in this cycle of comparison, you're like, I can't get there, I can never do what they do. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. You just need to figure out what that comparison is telling you. What is it that you want? And then we can create some action steps to get there. Jealousy actually tells you something, it tells you what you want. So just start to make the list of all the things that you're seeing online that you're like jealous, jealous, jealous, jealous, jealous, comparing myself to that person, compare myself to that person. Make a list, start to journal about it, and once you know these key pieces, we can start to take some action. Small little steps. For me, that's posting on social media more. I actually promised myself that I would post every day from my 36th birthday to my 37th birthday. And my birthday was a week ago, and I think I posted once. That's just me being totally transparent with you. But the thing that I'm falling on is that prepping. I need to prep a bit more, I need to have a little bit of time to put these things together, and just right now in the season of getting ready for a retreat, it isn't gonna happen. But that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna catch back up and make it come to life, okay? And you can too. Whatever that thing is on your heart, you can do it too. Let that comparison, let that jealousy be your guide and show you what you want, and then start to make some action steps there. What could be the one thing that you could do that's gonna get you a little bit closer to this dream life that you have on your heart? And then text it to me. Send me a message and be like, hey, this is the one thing I want to do, and I'm gonna do it. Here it is. Send. I know it's probably scary if you're like Jess is not gonna listen to these. I look at every single one of my DMs, okay? It is me. I actually don't have an assistant anymore. It's just me, okay? So know that it's me who's gonna be messaging you, not a robot, and please connect with me. It actually means the world when you send a message and say that you connected with the episode, or hey, I listened to it and I'm gonna do this, this, and this, or like, oh, I have a question about this. Like, it really helps me to see that there's someone on the other side, and it's not just me talking to my suitcase right now, basically. I know there's someone on the other side, it just helps to put a face to it. So please, please reach out and let me know how I can support you and help you in this season with whatever it is that you're trying to achieve because we need community around us. If there's anything about this podcast, I am reminding you over and over and over again, we need community. We need it, right? We need to have our friends in our corner. So I'm just so excited to see what you bring to life, to see what your comparison is telling you, and yeah, to watch you go after your dreams, because I'm going after mine too. And we're in this together, right? So, next up, Barbados, and then after that, more content. More content. So I hope you have the best week, and I cannot wait to talk to you soon. What's up, Sess? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget, you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.