[306] The Compliment Effect

 If you’ve been doing the juggling act of motherhood, work, relationships, and big dreams, you know the “enoughness” spiral. We talk about that shaky energy head-on, and how societal pressure quietly convinces women there’s one correct timeline and one acceptable way to live. When your path looks unconventional, the world can make you feel like an outsider, even when you’re simply telling the truth about what you want.

From there, we dig into the identity traps that keep confidence small, especially the habit of labeling yourself as “weird” to protect yourself from judgment. The goal isn’t to get louder or tougher. It’s to get truer. We explore how confidence and self esteem grow when you stop comparing your journey, let your truth evolve, and practice being seen without immediately shrinking back.

Then we get practical with the Compliment Effect: give one compliment a day, receive one compliment a day, and add one compliment to yourself. It sounds simple, but it’s a real confidence-building practice that retrains how you handle validation, visibility, and connection. 

If you’re ready for more self confidence, more authenticity, and less playing small, press play, then subscribe, leave a review, and share this with a friend who needs a little extra shine today.

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Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or on your social media and tag me @jess.clerke so I can personally thank you for helping spread some confidence + love!
 
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Transcript

Welcome To Selfish Confidence

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it's to be your damn self. My name is Jess, and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Oh my goodness. I think I've been feeling that energy every week. I go, oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. It's wild. Life feels wild lately. And maybe you're feeling that way too. Probably. There's a good chance. It's a good chance you're feeling that way too. I just celebrated my 36th birthday on uh just last week, if you're listening to this in real time. And I am surprised to be 36. Yeah, surprised. You think that like 30 would have hit me, but it didn't. It's just like, yeah, I'm 30, whatevs, no big deal. And then now as you start to get into like your late 30s, and I know there's people listening who are a variety of ages, so please don't take this as anything to compare to or to be like, well, I'm older than Jess or I'm younger than Jess. No, we're not playing any comparison games. It's just like how I've been thinking and feeling lately about that number 36. You're like, okay, well, I ain't I am no longer in my 20s, that's for sure. And I am getting on the other side of the 30s. And even this morning I was sitting down and taking some time to journal, and I was thinking about the prior version of me, the one that started this podcast, the one that started this whole adventure, and I was like, she would look at me in awe. She would like just be like, Whoa, you did what? That is so cool. Like, she would be in awe because I remember looking at people who were doing exactly what I'm doing and just being so impressed with them and wishing and wanting that for myself. So that's how I know the prior version of me would be so proud. And yet here I am at 36 questioning everything I've ever done. Questioning, you know, am I doing enough? And how am I gonna get it all done? And I'm sitting here in my office with piles and piles of packages that I have to pack up and bring to Barbados in less than a week. And my goal was to have everything done and packed last night, which you know what? I feel a lot better than I did a week ago because it does fit in one suitcase. I just need to find a place to put my clothes. You know, it's fine. It's not a big deal. I could be naked for the whole week. It's gonna be fine. Not actually, but that's like I question absolutely everything. Because especially since having my son, I question everything, especially that question of enoughness. Am I doing enough? Where is this going? Where do I want this to go? What's my next, you know, thing that I want to tackle? How am I gonna find this time to create this next thing that I want to tackle? And you just like get in this spiral. And it's so funny if we were to just sit back and think about the version of us 10, 5, 20 years ago, even right, or even the little girl version of us. Oh my goodness, she would look at me in awe. And yet we look in the mirror and we don't see that. We can't see that. And I, you know, say we, because I assume that you also kind of struggle with this too. This this idea of uh, am I not, am I doing enough? How am I gonna get it all done? What how are people doing this? What it like all of these questions, right? I have this small chunk of time right now without my son. He is on a walk with my neighbor, and I wanted to sit down and record this podcast episode. It's like if you only had an hour today to do something, what's that thing you want to do? And I will tell you hands down, it is always hang out with you, okay? It is always hang out with you because I absolutely love sitting down and telling you a little bit about my life and telling you a little bit about the behind the scenes and what's going on here. And that's kind of the big question. It's not why I was coming on the microphone today at all, but it was where I was guided to tell you about is just this energy of like, how can you get it all done? And am I doing enough? Our society makes us feel like if we're not doing X, Y, and Z, which is a hundred different things. It's not even X, Y, and Z, it's like A through Z, basically. The list of 26 items. If you're not doing these things and you're not doing them in the sequence that society is telling you to do them, and you're not doing it in the most boring and basic plain way, then you are not going to fit in.

unknown 5:13

Right?

Dropping The Weird Label

Retreat Energy And Showing Up

Hydration Supplement Shoutout

The Compliment Effect Explained

Sunshine And Dopamine Dressing

Community As A Confidence Multiplier

Reviews Help Spread The Show

Share It And Keep Shining

SPEAKER_00 5:14

That's what they tell us. That's what they want us to think. I know that. So when you do life a little bit differently, and people who listen to this podcast, we're all about doing life differently, right? Being unconventional and doing things in a way that feels good for you, however, that looks, whatever that looks like, changing your mind at 35 years old and having a baby, whatever that is, changing career, starting something totally new, leaving a job that you've been in for a really long time, writing the book, right? Closing down a business and opening up something new, closing down a business and going back to corporate, like whatever that is, getting a dog all by yourself, right? Buying a car all by yourself, right? These little things that we think aren't big, when we do something out of the sequence that society has told us to do, something shakes a little bit. People start to give you that side eye. Who does she think she is? Doing things differently. And I know the world is getting better because we have more and more examples, thanks to social media, of people who are doing life differently, changing their mind, and starting something fresh. And I'm so, so, so grateful for that. It's like every day I could go on social media and I could find someone new who is living life out loud and inspiring me to do it too. That's the ripple effect. That's why we're here, right? When you do something, it's going to inspire someone else to do something scary. You wouldn't believe the amount of messages that I get from people who are also considering changing their mind about starting a family or who have completely decided that they are good in their decision being child-free by choice. Like I love getting these messages from people who listen to the podcast and feel connected to find their truth. Whatever that is. Right? Whatever that is, what a gift to know your truth and to accept it and to go after it. I think the reason why I feel so shaky lately is sometimes because I think the truth is changing. The truth is always changing, right? What my truth is is always changing, and yours is too. It's just recognizing that and being okay with doing something different that is outside that societal plan. And even, you know, ten years into this journey, I still feel and struggle with this. I had a friend of mine the other day tell to me, she says, Jess, stop saying you're weird. You're not weird. Because if you're weird, you know, this conventional essentially woman married, married young, happy, marriage, bought a house, you know, has a dog and the baby and all the things. If you're saying you're weird, then I have to be really weird, you know, who doesn't even have those checked boxes. And it's so interesting that we can see things like that, because I never even thought of that in my mind, that we compare ourselves to other people's journeys, and if they're saying one thing about them, then, you know, I must be this. And I think it's time that we start to squash that a little bit. Right? This comparison and even telling ourselves that we're weird or telling ourselves that we're something, labeling ourselves that we're something. These labels are so difficult once we have them stuck on us, and if we feel even a little bit like a outsider, it's easier to label us as weird. Um like label myself as weird. That's a thing. I feel like it was my way of putting a shield up that if I label myself as weird, then the rest of the world can't hurt me. They can think I'm weird. I already think I'm weird, so that's good, right? And then so when my friend mentioned this, I was like, oh, maybe that is a label that I've put up to protect myself too. Because then if again, if I'm weird, if I say I'm weird, then it's cool. It's cool. But what if we were all just true? This is all just our truth. We're all just authentic and not even just. I hate using that word. Like, don't downplay it. Being authentic is huge, especially in this world that we live in now. And the fact that I can sit on this mic and riff about this and know that you are over there listening, folding your laundry or taking the dog out for a walk, or maybe you're on the treadmill. Kudos to you. Getting your steps in, sis. I see you. And you're like nodding your head along, you're like, yeah, girl, I hear you. I hear you, I hear you. The fact that you're doing that just tells us how real this stuff is, how real this conversation is, and how we need more of this energy for this not to be the outside, for this to be the norm. And that's why we need more people like you and like me standing up and sharing a little bit more. Even if it's the tinsiest bit, right? The more we stay quiet and the more we hide in the corner, the harder it's going to be for the world to accept that women are doing things differently. It's going to be harder for the world to embrace this new adventure, or we're also just letting more people feel like the weirdos and the outsiders, right? The more we can sit down and say something that's actually on our heart, maybe at the Thanksgiving table where you're just like, oh gosh, I don't want my parents to hear me say this, but they need to, right? The world needs to start to hear that things are shifting and they need more women standing in their truth. And that's again, doesn't have to be like pitch forks and fires and yelling in the streets, which for you might be your truth. It's not it's not my jam. Don't love crowds, it's not gonna be where you're gonna find me. But you might find me on social media telling people a little bit more about what's actually going on in my life. I do it pretty well here on the podcast. I'll be like, this is a safe space for me. I don't even know who's listening on the other side, but I know you. Right? Does that even make sense? That's how I feel. It's like I don't actually know who's listening, but I know you. And I trust you and I love you, and I'm so grateful that I can sit here with my best friends and riff about what's happening in my life. I don't always feel as safe doing that on a social media platform, but I'm gonna be trying, okay? So please encourage me to get on there and share some of this a bit more because I do think that the world needs more voices like ours standing out and sharing the things that we're doing and going through. And so, yeah, it's just a little side note about what I've been thinking about lately, especially this week as I walk into my sixth, sixth retreat, seventh retreat, sixth, I think. Sixth retreat, second one in Barbados. And yeah, just thinking about the changes that are happening in the world and the changes that are gonna happen in these women as they walk out of this event. I am just so excited. I'm so excited for a week with incredible people and an opportunity to share what I've really been learning about lately. And a little side note here, I'm over here sipping on some serah hydration and some sear greens. Oh my gosh. I actually mixed in a little bit of my pre-workout in there too, if you can't tell. And I am feeling good. I love these supplements. I have been taking serah hydration religiously, myself and Glenn, my husband, since Speak Up, where they sponsored us with 10 tubs to give out at the event. And oh my gosh, it's so good. We drink the self-love lemonade every single day, and I put in extra lemon juice because I love it so freaking sour that it's gonna like pucker your mouth. And my husband drinks it with lime juice. It's so good, it's so good. So if you're looking for a hydration powder, I will put the information in the show notes for you to be able to check it out. But Syrah Chef's Kiss is so good, it'll change the game of your water. Like you'll you'll be loving drinking your water a whole lot more with this beautiful, beautiful supplement. So I'll put the information in the show notes for you, but I just want to give them a little shout out because it is my new concoction and I'm drinking it every day. Greens, hydration, I love it. But I wanted to talk to you today about the compliment effect. I've been thinking about this lately as I love giving compliments. Like absolutely love giving compliments. And if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, when I did guest episodes, one of the questions I always asked was, What's your favorite compliment to receive? And it took a lot of people back. They'd be like, Whoa, I actually am not sure. Because we live in this world that doesn't receive compliments well. Doesn't receive compliments well. I'm curious, how do you feel about compliments? Do you take them well? Are you like, oh yeah, thank you? Or are you like, oh, I got it on sale at Marshall's or something, right? Or oh, this dress has pockets, right? Instead of just saying thank you. I'm curious. Uh because I think about this, like when I'm seeing someone, I'm just like something simple as like, oh, I love your nails, they look so nice. Or oh, I love your hair color, so beautiful. Um, smile, gorgeous, hot stuff. To two, love it. These tiny simple compliments can change someone's days. It changes the energy in the room when someone receives a compliment. And even if they're uncomfortable with it, it still shifts something. So I try every single day to give a compliment to someone, anyone. And it could be someone I see in public. So, like the barista at Starbucks could be like, you know, whatever, but like, oh yeah, I really like your outfit today, whatever. Or it can be someone I've thought about and I want to send them a message. So it could be a friend of mine that'd be like, oh, I was thinking of you, and you know, thank you so much. I I did a treatment on the weekend and I was like, sent them a message and said, Thank you so much. I don't know if you realize how magical those treatments are for me. So thank you. It means a lot that you do the work that you do. Simple, period, sent, right? Those little things can go a long way because we all need external validation. That's no lie. That is no lie. We need a little help believing in ourselves. So giving these compliments creates that energy around us to also receive it at some point. So if you are a compliment giver and you were like, yeah, I can give compliments all day long, but as soon as someone shifts it around and gives it to you, you're uncomfortable with it. We need to work with that. That's actually one of the weeks in my program, Confidently You. It's all about compliments and it's about how to give compliments and also receive them and to start giving them to yourself. Simple, right? It sounds so simple, but it's difficult. This stuff is hard because again, we live in this world that wants to keep us bland. They want to keep us vanilla and small, and they don't want us to get too big. But as soon as the women start coming together and giving each other more compliments and start standing out a bit more and stepping into that power and boosting each other up, the better this world's gonna be. As we start as women start to recognize their power and start to stand in it. Oh my gosh. Watch out, world. Watch out, world, because magic is happening. And I can feel it already starting, but it really comes down to us being able to receive compliments too. Giving them is awesome because that really helps other people practice how to receive them. And like that energy is around us. What a beautiful gift to have, to make someone feel better, to make someone feel seen and loved and validated in the world that might not give them that. So giving them awesome, I love it. 10 stars. Let's start receiving them too. And I call this the compliment effect, where we can be giving compliments as much as possible, at least one a day, and also receiving compliments as much as possible at least one a day and seeing how your confidence expands. The compliment effect can make huge impacts on your confidence. And it's really, really simple. It's small, right? A small action of giving a compliment every day and also receiving one. And if you want to add on a little bonus there, tell yourself something nice when you look in the mirror. Instead of looking in the mirror and be like, oh, a new wrinkle, or oh, that bump on my forehead from where it hit my head going into the car yesterday. Not cool. Not cool. Every week, man. Since becoming a boy mom, even just a parent in general, I don't know if it's just my brain has slowly started to flatten a bit, or I just bop my head a lot more. It is what it is, but don't be looking in the mirror and talking about all of your imperfections. We all have imperfections. That's part of being human, and that's a beautiful gift, too. But I want you to start to look at the things that are your perfections, your beauty marks, the things that make you so stunning, your smile, your eyes, even your wrinkles, right? Your smile lines. What a gift it is to have a life that you can smile about, right? Whatever it is, give yourself one compliment too. And if you can tackle those three things every single day, you are going to be a whole new version of yourself. The energy is going to be so different because one, you're gonna have that community around you, those people around you who start to see you as this beautiful energy who's passing out compliments and they're like, I want to be around that person more. Wow. And also, I want to be giving them some compliments, right? It's take it's like that give and receive. Let's let's get in that energy a little bit more. And along with the compliment effect, I've been thinking about natural ways to boost your confidence a bit more, especially as we're coming into the summer months. And your confidence can go in two different directions, right? The one that's looking in the mirror and saying, My shorts don't fit from last summer and I suck, right? Or the one that's looking in the mirror and saying, Hey, I'm stunning in whatever body I have. My soul is so grateful to have a body that can move. What a gift! And leaning into the energy of walking into summer and just embracing this sunshine season. Natural confidence booster, sunshine. Just getting outside and sitting on a rock. I have a rock. If if you haven't heard it, I used to do a lot of meditations on my rock, not as much anymore since having my son, but I like to sit outside on the deck, right? Or if you even have a nice big window, if you don't have like outdoor space, sitting in front of the window and getting that natural sunlight is so beneficial. It will make a big impact on your confidence because we need that sunlight for cleansing, for healing, for energy. We are basically houseplants, okay? We need that sunlight. So drink your water, get your sunlight, okay? Because you are basically a human form of a plant. The other thing, now that we're in summer too, well, we're not in summer. If you're listening to this in real time, it's spring. But the sun was out this weekend, and I think it's summer, okay? It's period, it's summer for me. And dopamine dressing. Dressing in clothes and colors that feel really good for you. That you are just like, oh, I love this. I feel so nice in this. Dressing in just your sweatpants every single day is not gonna hit it, okay? You're not gonna feel that confident if you are, you know, just in your grumpies, in your PJs, frumping around on the couch. You have to give yourself something to be confident about. And that's not me saying sweat it out and become a certain size. No, you do not need to do that. You just need to dress in a way that feels really good for you. If that's a bright colored highlighter yellow sweater, I love it, wear it, enjoy it, be you. Start to dopamine dress and little, little things. And maybe you don't have a big budget for this, and that's okay. I'm not saying you have to go out and buy some things, but start to tinker with it a little bit. Um, tinker with your jewelry, right? Elevating how you feel in the jewelry that you're wearing is a start. It's a great place to start. And then you can slowly maybe dabble in getting a piece that feels really good for you. So for me, it's like a sweater. I love to layer up with some sweaters. Um, also very comfortable and cute bottoms pants. Um, because yeah, that's I gotta be cute and comfortable, okay? So finding a couple things that feel really good for you and then dabbling in wearing them more. I wish that everyone wore that one thing in their closet that they're like, I don't have anywhere to wear this to. I wish that you could wear it and feel really good in wearing it, even if you had nowhere to go, even if you felt overdressed in the room, even if you were just like, ooh, that one's a little out of my comfort zone. I wish that you could put it on and wear it, even if it's around the house and just be like, ooh, yeah, I feel good, I look good, I am good, let's go. Um, dopamine dressing is huge for your confidence. And I think the more that we can embrace standing out a little bit more and not blending in and being a little more bland. Is going to be huge for your competence. It's also going to be huge for your compliments because whenever I dopamine dress, I always get more compliments, right? Because people notice that you're trying and that you're trying to feel good in what you're wearing and you will get more confidence, compliments, and confidence, okay? So think about that a little bit more too as you start to dopamine dress. Know that it's going to help you to practice with those compliments and receiving those compliments. And then the last thing I have on my list today that's naturally going to boost your confidence, and it feels like a broken record at this point because I talk about it all the freaking time. Can you guess? Can you guess what it is? It's your community. Yep. It's the people around you. Makes a huge difference. If you are surrounding yourself with confident people or people who are working on their confidence or who are taking care of themselves, it makes a huge difference. If you are in a room with five grumpy toad, you are also going to be a grumpy toad. Hands down. You are going to be a grumpy toad. But if you start to surround yourself with some really cool, energetic, fun, lovely, loving, lovely and loving people, you are also going to start to feel that loving energy. And that is where the magic happens. Finding those people who are also just trying a little bit more, who want to have fun, who are seeing joy in the world and joy in life. That is where the magic happens. So finding a community, if that's an activity, the other day, actually last week, I went out to this notebook painting workshop. Way out of my comfort zone. I am not an artiste, okay? But I saw it and I wanted to meet a few new people. And I also just really wanted to craft, to just go and sit and not have to think and just paint. And it was so much fun. I went without an idea in my mind on what was going to happen. I almost bailed a couple times because I was just so tired. And thankfully a friend of mine was also going. So I was like, okay, I have to go because she's going. Ah, dang it. So I went and it was just so nice to sit and to paint and to chit-chat about random things like what you're watching on TV and you know, what do you do for work and what do you do for fun? And all of these like simple things that we take for granted in our everyday lives because life is busy and we are moving, moving, moving all the time that we forget to just sit and play and have fun and paint. And yeah, it was just such a lovely evening. And it just reminds me how important having fun people around you can change your energy. Having people around you who want to live life will change how you live your life. It's probably why you're listening to this podcast, right? To hear my perspective on things, to see things, to feel like you and I are just sitting down and hanging out together, it changes your energy when you see someone else doing it. Just the same as earlier when we were talking about women speaking up and sharing that they're doing life differently. It helps other women have examples in their life to also follow that. It's a ripple effect, right? The ripple of confidence is huge. When one woman is confident, it encourages another woman to do the same. That's why we need community around us. Just like those compliments. When we are giving compliments and receiving compliments, other people start to do it too. The magic in this world shifts as we stand in this energy a little bit more. And I almost I really do feel like this is like a broken record episode where you're like, Jess, you have said all these things so many times. I know. I know. And we're still not doing them. We're still not doing them. I sat down. Every time I record an episode, I sit down and I ask my team, my team of light, to help me guide the episode in a direction, whatever it is meant to be. And although I did really want to talk about compliments today, there's a lot of things in today's episode that I didn't have on my radar. And I truly believe that it comes from source and it's the message that someone needs to hear today. And I I love that. I really, really love that. So if that's you and you feel really connected with today's episode, you're like, yep, yep, I hear you. I hear you. I need to be doing a few of these small things a little bit more to feel more confident. Please drop me a review. It means the world to have this podcast reviewed so that it can spread out to more people. And I know it's an extra step. And you're just like, ah, Jess, I can't add one more thing to my plate. It would be the greatest gift, the greatest compliment. And and and you know, my birthday just passed, so the also the greatest little birthday gift for you to review wherever you listen to your podcasts. So whether that's Apple, Spotify, anywhere, please give this a review and uh a little message, a little compliment would be huge because this helps us to get the podcast out to so many more people. And if you're someone who found this podcast from the search function, then you can thank a review for getting this to you because without that, it might not have come across your page. So please take a little second and give us a review. It would mean the absolute world. And yeah, I just want you to know I love you so much. I'm so grateful to have you here and to have you a part of my community because you being here helps everything in this world feel lighter, feel brighter, and feel more beautiful. So I'm so thankful for you. I'm so grateful, and I hope you have the best week ever. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget, you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.