Self(ish) Confidence

[289] 9 Year: Endings, Beginnings, And Trusting Your Intuition

• Jess Clerke • Episode 289

Share episode

One iced coffee, a foggy brain, and a brave truth: I’m closing The Selfish Sisterhood. Not because it failed. Not because I’m quitting. Because my intuition is loud enough to ask for space, and I finally stopped gripping something beautiful that no longer fits the season I’m in.

We go deep on what a “nine year” feels like—a season of endings that clears the runway for a fresh “one year.” Whether you believe in numerology or just love a solid framework, this lens is surprisingly practical. I look back to 2016, the last one year when I started sharing online, tried new paths, and planted seeds that became this podcast. That reflection helps me accept why change hits harder now: I’m older, I’m a new mom, and I tied a lot of identity to what I built. Letting go feels like rewriting who I am, which is why it’s taken so long to tell you.

If you’ve ever broken up with a “good” thing, you’ll get it. The community is thriving and kind. The systems are clean. The women are extraordinary. And still, my gut says the season is complete. I share the small rituals helping me hear that inner voice—journaling at nap time, five-minute meditations, a simple deck pull to focus—and how to make one honest move instead of waiting for the mythical perfect moment after the holidays. We talk grief without drama, hope without hype, and the courage to choose a simpler path in a world that celebrates burnout.

This conversation is for anyone standing at a threshold: career changes, new motherhood, starting over, or just sensing a quiet shift you can’t yet name. If your hands are tired from holding, consider loosening the grip with me. This or something better is on the other side.

If the message landed, follow, share, and leave a review so more people can find their own brave release. Then tell me: what chapter are you ready to close?

Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or on your social media and tag me @jess.clerke so I can personally thank you for helping spread some confidence + love!

Check out my website at: www.jessclerke.com

If you're on instagram, come say hi!! 👋👋
My Personal Account ---> @jess.clerke
The Podcast Account ---> @selfishconfidence

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where you can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess, and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and I am sitting here recording this episode the day after Halloween. And I'ma say, it hits different as a parent. So our little guy is nine months old, and this is our first Halloween as parents. And I don't even mean that it hits different in the sense where it's like, oh, cute little babies in costumes. I mean it hits different. Like I feel like I was hit by a bus. I'm so freaking tired. And that's just the truth. I'm just being real with you because I don't know what it is. I think it I think it's probably I ate too much candy. And my baby also woke up at 5 a.m. And it just, I'm just feeling it. So I'm sitting here sipping on my leftover coffee from this morning with some ice cubes in it. So it's now an iced coffee. And we are just rolling with that energy. We are here, we are showing up, and we are doing the thing because I have been thinking about what I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. I keep a note section on my phone of ideas that drop that could happen like in the middle of the night or when I am, you know, in the shower, these random times that they pop in my head and I drop them in in the note section on my phone and like that's gonna make a really good episode. I also talked in my stories this week about just like having so many ideas and so many downloads and so much content that I want to put out there, but the time and the energy right now is really difficult. Like I am being super transparent with you. Like every time I think that I have the most predictable schedule that this is gonna work out, it's gonna, it's all gonna go so perfect. It doesn't. Either he wakes up earlier or he naps shorter, or it just doesn't, or I don't have the energy to put it the way that I want to, and executing things has just been a lot more difficult since having a little person around. And if you're listening to this as a parent, you understand. And if you're listening to this and you're not, I do not want to scare you away from having kids because I do think there's so much content out there that tells you only the negative pieces of having children. I definitely believed it and consumed so much of it when I was child-free by choice for 10 years of my life or more. Like, but it is we are in a season where I am both getting more sleep and what feels like less sleep, all in the same cycle. So we're gonna sip this coffee and we're gonna enjoy it, and we are gonna talk to you about, and I say we like I'm a crazy person, like there's another person here. It's just me. I am the only one here drinking coffee. I shouldn't say that. My dog Polly is also here. She's sleeping on the on the bed over here in the corner of the room. So I'm not alone actually. We are sipping coffee and sitting down to record this podcast episode for you. I actually, which oftentimes I get on the mic and I talk about what I want to talk about and I bring it to life and call it a day, but I just had this feeling a few moments ago as I was recording that I just needed to start over. And I don't know why. I don't know what the reasoning is, but I know I have something that I want to talk to you about today. And we're gonna start fresh. We're gonna bring it to you because yeah, it's a it's a magical day. Every day is a magical day, right? We're just working with it. I can't believe we are already in November because I don't know where this year has gone at all, and maybe you're feeling the same way, but this has also been a really big season of endings. It's been a season of endings, and I feel really emotional as I think about it because I'm still navigating some endings that I just never anticipated. It's so funny because I've been thinking about I've been telling people all the time, this is a nine year. And if you're like, I don't know what that means, Jess, a nine year is when you add all of the numbers together of the year, you get a nine. So two plus zero plus two plus five is nine. 2025 equals a nine year, and nine years are all about endings, and there's so much sadness that comes in endings, but also with their with there being endings, there is also new beginnings, there's new chapters, there are things that are coming in next year being a one year that I think it could be really magical if we trusted and allowed the process to fall away. The last time that we had a one year would have been in 2016. Uh am I getting my numbers right? I think so. 2016. And I can s very specifically see Jess of 2016. Um, I was 26 years old. I was in a very different season of my life, obviously, recently out of university and stepping into the chapter of becoming, you know, cool corporate Jess and getting my desk job and wearing my suits and being all cool and cute and all of the things. And it's just I very rem I just remember it so specifically. And I'm really trying to channel that one energy a bit more, that new beginning energy, because endings are a lot scarier when you're older, and endings are a lot scarier when you've tied them to your identity, which I have done both. I am now older, and I have tied some of these things to who I am and what it says about me a lot more than I did when I was 26 years old. At 26, I was in I was in the beginning phases. It being a one was one thing, but it also was the beginning of my life, of an adult life. I was just recently married. We were celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary at that point. I remember so vividly starting my network marketing business. Like I remember being so scared to do it and also saying, like, fudge it, like we're doing it, let's go. And it 2016 was the year that really I started blooming more online. I start again started my new job, started in the corporate world. I, you know, started doing my network marketing business. I started to share more online. Like that was truly the beginning of a chapter of my life that I am so grateful for because that brought me into all of this. It brought me into starting a podcast. I still remember when I left my narc network marketing business to really focus and pursue this podcast a lot more. Like it has just been such a wild journey these last nine years. And maybe you can look at your last nine years and kind of reflect on that too, and be like, oh, like, okay, where was I in 2016? What did I start then? What did I create? What was I focusing on? And where am I now? What's closing and what's ending for me? And I feel like I've been having this conversation over and over and over again because everybody seems to be facing it. And in a world where this year, being also a nine-year-old all about endings being a brand new beginning for myself as a parent, it has been a year of letting a lot of things fall away from me. It's been a year of letting judgments of other people fall away from me. It's been a year of navigating and figuring out who I want to become, who I want to be, what I want to share. It's been, yeah, as someone who shows up online a lot, stepping back a little bit and giving myself some time to reflect and to get clear on who I am. And also just like, I'm, I just feel like a whole new person, which can essentially feel like a new beginning, right? But I think this has also been a year of letting a lot of those things that I have tied to my identity fall away. And there are some big ones that I am holding on to with both of my hands. Oh man, I didn't think I was gonna get emotional. This wasn't even what I talked about in the first recording of the podcast. So I guess this is what was really supposed to come out. I'm just trusting my intuition here, okay? Oh gosh. There are some things that I am holding on with a death grip. And I know I just need to open my palms, release, and trust that next year is bringing something really, really magical. But it is really hard to do. It is really hard to do. So I'm really curious if there's something that you're holding on to, or if there's also been some big changes in your life. So a lot of the sisters that I've been talking to have started new careers, have shut down businesses and opened up new businesses, or have started jobs in the corporate space, have cleared out old clients and are working with new people. I have people who are working in this corporate space and they have changed careers, a lot of career changes lately, whether that's a role changes or totally moving to a new job in general, a whole other different field or in a different area. Like there's been a lot of change. There have been new families started, new babies brought into the world. There have been just so many big changes this year. And I feel like I'm having this conversation over and over and over again about something new is happening. I'm becoming a new version of myself. Who the hell am I anyway? And it is really hard, I think, when we look back to our 2016 versions of ourselves, and even just like a five-year-ago version of yourself, 2020, like go back to there. Like so much has changed in five years, let alone in nine, and trusting that next year something new is coming, and the next nine years there's something magical also in store. And we'll be facing this cycle all over again because that's what numerology is. That's what these one through nine years are. Like we're facing the same lessons over and over and over again, maybe as new evolved versions of ourselves. It's not exactly the same lesson, but there are things that we are repeating every nine years as part of our growth as souls in this world. So as we face this year of endings, I'd love to know what's ending for you. What's changing in your life? Where are you giving yourself some grace to step into a different season, a different version of you? Where are you allowing yourself some space to feel all these feelings? I've been prioritizing any nap times that we get doing my meditation, doing my journaling, doing my carpooling. I have been journaling more in the last two weeks than I have ha in the last probably year. Because I just I prioritize sitting down. As soon as he goes to sleep, it's my moment that I can meditate for a few minutes, I can pull some cards. I've been really just trying to get clear on some answers and trusting that I know the answers. I am a person who trusts my intuition to its deepest. It has gotten me here to starting a podcast. For those of you who don't know, I am a spleenic projector in the human design world. And if you're not familiar with human design, I am hoping to bring a lot more of that to you. So send me a message. I am so happy to explain it to you a little bit more because it changed my life in so many ways, and I know it can change yours too, if you're open to it. And so I am a projector. We're here to guide, to see things, and we wait for the invitation for people to come to us and ask for our guidance. That's it. But the spleenic aspect is how I make decisions. And spleenic means that there's this little voice in my head. Well, I'm a crazy person. There's a little voice in my head, and it says it once and then it's done. It will it will not say it again. It's going to give me those intuitive hits, but I have to trust and listen to it when I hear it. Oh man, I am so emotional. I either need more sleep, more coffee, or I just need to release some of these emotions. Hmm. Let's go with more coffee. No, just joking. I really need to lean in and feel these feelings that I've been having because endings come with a lot of feelings, right? And so this spleening voice has told me to start this podcast. It's told me to change careers and to move into different directions and apply for certain jobs. And before I even knew what it was, I could hear it and I could trust it with a lot of doubt. And it still happens with a lot of doubt. But since becoming pregnant and even just being in postpartum for these last nine months, I am finding it a lot harder to trust and to listen to my intuition because everything can kind of feel foggy, everything can feel a little, I don't know, everything. I'm questioning everything in my life because I am a whole new person. And that's really hard. Because I really liked the old version of myself. And so getting to know a new version, getting to know a current version can be really hard. And my spleen's been giving me some hits lately, and I have questioned and doubted every single one of them. I'm like, no way, not that duh. No the good one, good joke. Universe, good joke. And they're like, no, no, seriously. That's what you gotta do. And I think that's why I'm still really struggling with some of these decisions, because my brain, my logical brain tells me one thing, and I know my soul is telling me another thing, and it can be hard to override one or the other. So I'm really curious if you're going through anything like this, too, where you know there's a decision you have to make and you keep pushing it off because you're like, well, maybe, maybe next year. Oh, well, it's the holidays now. So I'll think about that in 2026. But the time to think about it is now. The time to take some action is now because this is the year of endings. Things are having their finales, right? We are having our season endings, nine seasons of your life. Think of it like a TV show, and these season finale is coming up. What do you want that story to look like? How do you want it to end? And endings always mean new beginnings. There is a new cycle coming, there's brand new things coming next year, and I cannot see what they are, and it scares the crap out of me, especially now being a parent and knowing that there's a lot more responsibility on my shoulders, and there's a lot less time for me to figure it out before I could spend hours and hours and hours and days and months figuring things out and putting things together, like big events and massive retreats. Like I could put this together because I had the brain capacity, the sleep, and the energy to do it, and the time. It's a lot different now. There's a lot more on my shoulders than there was before. But I also kind of feel like there's a lot less on my shoulders. I've been simplifying a lot more, stepping back a lot more. And in this chapter, I have I wasn't gonna say this on the podcast. What is happening? I'm just gonna keep trusting. This is actually the last month of the Selfish Sisterhood. Oh man, I'm yeah, I feel that. This is the last month of the Selfish Sisterhood, and it is taking a lot of deep trust to follow in that direction, to step into this intuitive hit that I have that the season is done, and it is time to move on to something new. There's something on the other side, and everyone obviously in the Selfish Sisterhood already knows that. If you're listening to this and you're in the community, you know it is not gonna come as a surprise to you on this podcast unless you haven't been checking in there, and then that's on you because it's been in there for a while. And I wasn't going to talk about this today on the podcast, I was gonna talk about judgment. But trusting that intuition and really bringing that to light, I think, is the most important thing. And that's what makes this podcast really special and this podcast very different, is that it comes from an intuitive place of love every single week. I am always gonna tell it to you real and tell it to you straight what is happening in my life and also what I'm contemplating and figuring out in real time when I don't have it figured out. I'm not gonna come back here and be like, here's my 12 steps for figuring out your life, just like I did. No, you're coming along for the messy part with me because this has been the thing that I am holding on to with like a death grip. I'm like like I am holding on for dear life. And that I have been for a really long time, but I didn't want this decision to come out of a place of like, well, I'm a mom now and I gave it up, and then there'd be some kind of resentment towards my son. That is just not what I wanted. It just feels like the right timing, and I'm allowing the year of nine to take my baby, being the selfish sisterhood, this thing that I've created out of this love and out of this intuition for the last three plus years. It has just been like everything. And I love this community, like I love it so deeply. I love how simple we've made it. And through the year, this year in particular, postpartum for myself, postpartum for my assistant, like we have really created a space that is simple and and is flowing so nicely, and all of our platforms look so good. And I'm just like, we put so much time and energy into this. To release it is hard. And maybe you have something in your life too that you're thinking about right now, and you're like, Yeah, I feel you. I know exactly what you mean. I know I need to release that grip, but it is hard. We could do it together. We can do hard things. We can. We just need to trust that something better is coming. It's this or something better, right? There is a new chapter, there is a one year next year, something is happening, and maybe it'll is going to mean more work and more evolution and more growth. And next, you know, cycles need to also have space for time and healing and growth. But like, why not? Why not step into it? And I really do believe it's easier to step into it now to release some of these things in the nine year and allow yourself a little bit of space to heal before we walk into next year, before we walk into 2026, the year of new beginnings, the near year of fresh starts. Healing can happen. And yeah, if you've been listening to this podcast and you have been on the edge of your seat, like wanting to be a part of the sisterhood. I get I got this message the other day from somebody like, are you telling me I finally got the courage to message you about this and you're closing the doors? And I said, Yeah, I don't have the heart to tell you to hop in, join us, and then you find out that it's closing. That's just not my game. Like, I want you to know the truth. Come on in and hang out with us for a month if you want. But the doors are closing. And it's just been a season of figuring that out. Letting myself be in the feels about it and trust that something new is coming. And I have a feeling that somebody listening to this really needed this message today because this was not what I was going to talk about at all. Nerp. But every time when I come to sit down on the microphone, I grab a few crystals, I say a little prayer, and I let what needs to come out come out. I always have an idea of what I was gonna talk about, but this has been on my idea list, but it wasn't for today. This was like, I'll talk about that later. I'll talk about that later. It's not gonna be today. Nobody needs to know about my dirty laundry. It's not even dirty laundry, it's just I think I I'm really tied to the identity of something I created as the leader of the selfish sisterhood, something that there is nothing else like this community out there, and I think it is the best thing I've ever created. It is really successful, it's a wonderful space. The women in there are next level, and I have equated this to almost being like a a good boyfriend. He's he's good, he's good, like he's really kind, and we have fun together, and it's good. But maybe it's not the one. And like when you break up with a boyfriend for like no bad reasons, that's what I feel like right now. I am closing the sisterhood for no bad reasons. Maybe that's the best time. I had this maybe that's the best time to do it. Because it doesn't come out of bitterness, it doesn't come out of resentment, it comes out of love and trust and intuition. Okay, I think I just realized that right now, and I can lean into that because I know something new is coming. I have it itching in my palms. I have this, I've been having some really exciting ideas since giving myself some space for it. So I know cool things are coming. I just don't know 100% what they look like and what they are. So maybe that's you too. Maybe you're in a season of just trusting your intuition, stepping down from something, taking a pause, pulling back a little bit, slowing down. I see you. I see you. This is hard in a world that glorifies ambition, in a world that celebrates you working yourself to the bone, it is hard to live a simpler life. But we're gonna try. I am gonna try. I'm going to try because I know a new era is coming, a new paradigm is coming, and I'm I'm gonna be there ready for it. So if you need some support with something that's going on in your life, if you need some support with just hey, this is what I'm thinking about closing, this is my ending, and you just want to get it off your chest, send me a message, send me a DM on Instagram at Jessclerk, and just know that I'm there for you. Like I truly, truly, truly mean that. I want you to know that you're never alone. Again, that's why I created the sisterhood, so that people would be able to make friendships and have a space where they never felt alone. And even though that chapter is closing, new things are coming. New really special and magical things are coming. So if you're also facing that, please know you're not alone. Send me a message, connect with me because I know the shit is hard. Yeah. So although we are in a nine year and things are ending, I want to remind you next year new beginnings are coming, big things are coming, small things are coming, things are coming, whatever that is. But you gotta be open to it. So I love you so much. Thank you for listening to this today, and I will talk to you soon, my friends. What's up, sis? I am so glad we can hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget, you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.

Head Shot

Jess Clerke

Host