Self(ish) Confidence

[287] Is Your Dream Someone Else’s Nightmare?

• Jess Clerke • Episode 287

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Ever notice how your perfect moment can look ridiculous to someone else? That contrast is the clue that your vision is finally your own. I share a raw, late-night snapshot—baby settled, pets piled on, a rare hush in the house—and the jolt of realizing it’s both my deepest peace and, for others, a total nightmare. From there, we explore how to define a dream that isn’t copy-pasted from the algorithm or family expectations, and how to build a life that feels calm, lived-in, and true.

We talk about seasons: the big, expansive years when you launch, lead, and leap—and the quieter chapters that teach you to savour, listen, and protect your energy. I offer simple prompts to pull clarity from the noise: what is the dream for me, am I living parts of it now; and the focusing question, if today were my last, would I be satisfied with how I spent it? You’ll learn how to spot micro-moments of contentment, swap passive scrolling for presence, and make decisions from a center that actually holds. We also get real about community, why social media can’t replace face-to-face connection, and how small, intentional rituals create a sense of belonging.

Where we take high level coaching, validation, implementation, inspiration, accountability to light a fire under your booty towards your dreams. Apply for the last two 1:1 spots of 2025.

Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or on your social media and tag me @jess.clerke so I can personally thank you for helping spread some confidence + love!

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where you can connect and be real about how hard it's to be your damn self. My name is Jess, and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here because who else would it be? Honestly, wouldn't that be like a curveball if somebody else came on to do a podcast episode? I kind of want to do it now. And you'd be like, wait a second, this isn't Jess. I signed up for an episode with Jess. I know it's been a while too since I've done many guest interviews, and I have some people on my list that I have really meaning to connect with and to create episodes with. But timing is everything right now. And a lot of the time, as you know, I've said it before, like I really have like smaller windows to record in, and not everybody can accommodate those windows, and I totally get it. I totally get it. So it has just been a lot of hanging out with me. But I've also been getting a lot of really great downloads lately and a lot of things that I've been wanting to talk to you about. And I just wish we were in a coffee shop right now and we were getting to sit down face to face and to really dive into these topics and to discuss them together. And then everybody else in the coffee shop be looking at us with like a side eye, like, who are you? And you guys are weird, and what are you talking about? That is what I love best is making other people feel a little bit uncomfortable. It took me a while to get there to be okay with making people. I still kind of preface like sometimes when I'm talking, I'm like, I am a little bit weird, and I want to go really deep. Like, I want to know all about you. Like, when were you born? Can I look up your human design? Let's dive into the real you and the masks that you've been holding. And anyways, I just find it really, really fascinating. And again, one of the things I've learned through human design is that is very me. Like, that's what I'm here to do. I'm here for this like deep one-on-one conversations and not always for this surface level, you know, how's the weather and what are you, what's your favorite fall drink? Did you drink some pumpkin spice yet? But did you? Did you drink some pumpkin spice yet? I also do want to know. So send me a message. I yeah, it's just so interesting when you learn these things about yourself, and it just helps you to accept a little bit more. Because we can think we're the weirdo or the black sheep or the outsider for most of our lives, and it can feel really uncomfortable, but almost like when you get this paper and this permission slip in front of you, you're like, oh, I'm not the we well, maybe I am the weirdo, but I'm not the black sheep. Like, this is just who I was meant to be. This is how I was supposed to come to Earth. And I think if we were to all just to start to conform and be the same cookie-cutter versions of ourselves, which we see a lot of on the internet and in the world, it will be a really boring and disappointing earth. That's just the truth. Like, our souls were here for something so much bigger, and we were not here to conform and to sit the same way. We were all meant to have a really unique and beautiful path. And maybe you're like, okay, Jess, get to the point. I will get to the point, okay? Because today I have been thinking about this topic. It came to me one night after I was feeding my little guy, and so I got to bed and I was laying there, and I have a really hard time getting back to sleep after I get up to feed him, depending on the time. Sometimes it's like clockwork, and even when it's like clockwork, I almost feel like I wake up more alert and it makes it harder to go back to sleep. And so you're just laying in bed for a while, and you're just like, please, God, force me back to sleep. Knock me out, please. Like, I need this sleep. I know he's gonna wake up in a few hours. Like, please. But you're just there, and hopefully it's peaceful, and your partner is not snoring, and you're just laying there, and you have this connection with your subconscious that you just don't normally have because we have so much noise going on all the time. There is, you know, the radio in the background, or a TV on, or you know, your kids screaming, or your phone ringing, like there's just always something to distract you. That when it's three or four in the morning and you can't sleep and you're laying there and there's nothing else to distract you, it almost gives you this clarity, this clear mind to get the downloads and to get the connections that you want to get. And I'm not, I'm, I would be lying to you if I said I wish those came during the day. I wish those came at supper time, and not when I am trying to get my very, very precious sleep in. But I also know that we don't always give ourselves the time and the space for these snippets to come in, these ideas, these thoughts to come into our brain because we are always on. I can guarantee you, you're listening to this podcast right now, you're probably always on. Maybe you're driving in the car or you're taking the dog for a walk or you're folding laundry and you're just like, oh, I'll just fill this space with something. I've been doing this a lot lately. And I've actually really been enjoying it, like a consuming a lot of podcast episodes when we're in the car. I have a sleepy song, I put it on once he falls asleep. I put a really, you know, thought-provoking podcast on that I've been wanting to listen to for a while. And I haven't always had the capacity and the brain space to do this, but right now in the season, I do. And so the other night when I was laying in bed, I just had this thought come into my head. I was laying there and I had my dog curled up in my butt scoop, if you know what I mean. Like when you're like kind of laying on your side and you have this like scoop between the back of your legs. So I call that my butt scoop. And I had my cat laying in my boob scoop, my front scoop. And so I was curled up with like my cat on one side and my dog on the other side. And of course, in our beautiful king-sized bed with my wonderful husband also there, thankfully not snoring at this time. So I really did feel like he was wonderful. And our little guy sleeping in his room, and I had just put him back to sleep, and it was this moment oh, I feel really emotional as I think about this. It was this moment of like, wow, like this is the dream. This is the most beautiful, peaceful moment. And we were all so cozy, and we were all so happy and peaceful, and it was just like that's always been the goal of mine, like peace, and often it's what I have on my vision board as the word of the year, like peace. Like, I just want peace. Being at peace means that you have everything you could have ever wanted, and you're not seeking more, and it's really simple and it's beautiful, and it just feels like and peace doesn't even necessarily mean happy, it doesn't have any other emotion other than like content. I'm at peace. And it was it was that very clear moment when I was laying there. I was like, this is this is peace. I wish I was sleeping, but I'm gonna soak this moment up where everything is still and there's no noise, and it's just perfect. And in that same moment, as I was sitting there and I was listening to my little sound machine curled up with all of my pets, I also had this thought this is also someone's nightmare. It might be my moment of peace and this like I have everything I ever wanted. But I also know a lot of people who do not let their pets sleep in their bed, who aren't waking up in the middle of the night to feed their babies, who are, you know, thinking that that would be the worst case scenario for them to have pets in their bed, to be sharing a bed, maybe, to be up in the middle of the night. Like I just had this thought of like, this is my beautiful moment. It is also someone's worst nightmare. And I can even think of some people that I know who this would be their worst nightmare. Like to be up and having to like nurse their babies and have these like really dry, sore nipples right now, and also to have like a cat sleeping in their face. Like for someone, they might be like, I can't believe you let your pet sleep in your bed, let alone in your face and in your butt. Like, no, thank you. And it was just this really like clear idea that I had to just pop up and write on my phone because I know if I don't write these down in the middle of the night, they're gone. They are they're gone. If you've ever listened to the book or read the book, Big Magic, she talks about like these ideas coming into your brain and like floating along almost like a little fluff in the air, and they land on you and they give you an opportunity to bite. Like, hey, do you want this idea? Because if not, I'll go to someone else. But I just wanted to see if you wanted this idea. And if I don't write it down, it's going to float off to the next person and they're gonna get this idea. And it's just been so interesting to sit and to see my life, this current version of my life, in the lens of this being everything I ever wanted, and also never wanting this. And Jess of five years ago would probably also be mortified that this was her bliss, that this was her peace. And yeah, again, I know so many people who this moment would also just be a nightmare. And so I want you to look at your life today as you think about this and think about the life that you're living right now. And it could be in this exact moment, or it could be as a whole, the life that you have. Is this the life that you thought you were going to have at whatever age you are that you're listening to this? For me, I'm currently 35. And this is definitely not the life that I had pictured that I was going to have at 35. And sometimes that can be really difficult for us to grasp too, especially when there's resentment that comes with some of the work, like being up in the middle of the night, or if you are doing chores while you're listening to this, or even driving to work, and you're just like, I just did not think I was gonna still be driving to work at this age and at this energy level that I have, or at six in the six in the morning when you're out and you're, you know, getting things done. But is this life that you're living right now your beautiful picture? Is it the one that whether it was what you thought was going to be, even if you had no idea life was gonna turn out this way, how do you feel about the life that you're living in right now? Are you excited about it? Are you just like at peace with it and you're like, this is it? This is all I ever wanted, and this is all I ever needed, and I am so at peace. Or are you like itching, your palms are itching and you're wanting more? And it's okay if you are. Like, I am not saying you gotta be at peace with your life. You can be wanting change and growing. I think there's seasons for everything. I was talking with a friend of mine about this the other day, like seasons of personal growth where we're consuming content and hanging out and like reading books and having these deep discussions, and also seasons where we're not, where we're just, you know, having fun and filling our spare time with things that bring us joy instead of always seeking for more. So, where are you right now? And are you feeling at peace with where you are? Or is there something you want to change? Is there something in your life that you're just like, okay, this is not my season to be at peace and content? Like, I am itching for more. I see a new job in my future, I see new family being added, maybe new relationships, new business ideas. Like, I see new and I want it all shiny and I want it all, and that's also okay. Like, if it is, I really do believe there's seasons for everything. A version of me last year, when I am sitting down to record this, we would have been at our sisterhood lunch on the weekend of the big speak up event. And we had a table of almost 20 women coming together for a beautiful lunch who were all members of the Selfish Sisterhood, and we could just chat and get to know each other and in person, be in person together where we're normally virtual online. It was so nice. It's one of my fondest memories was that sisterhood lunch, and I just got to sit at the end, and I was pretty pregnant, and I was just sitting there looking at all of these incredible women coming together and sharing in person and acting as if they knew each other their whole lives. Like I really do feel like I have this gift of bringing incredible women together, and I'm so blessed to be able to do it. But that was a moment of me in a season of wanting more and striving for more and pushing for more and creating big, massive change because that night we had our VIP night on the boat cruise around the Halifax Harbor, and then the next day I hosted my very first big in-person event where we had six speakers and incredible transformations happen in this room, and it was just such a beautiful weekend, and I often almost forget that that was a year ago because it feels like 17 lifetimes ago. The version of me who I am now, where we were supposed to be doing a second speak up this weekend. I'm really grateful I didn't follow through on that because I just don't have it in me to put something like that together. But last year's Jess was in a big season of more, a big season of impact, a big season of growth, growing a human and also growing my business and doing my first international retreat and this big in-person event and all of the things. It was such a massive year for growth, but it was also a massive year for shifting into this version of me who is at peace with being up at three in the morning cuddling with my dog and my cat. Like it was just it can be a 360. And I really do think that it's going to change again, even this morning as I'm sitting here and doing my breath work and looking at my cards and seeing, you know, what's coming up for the future. Like, opportunities are coming and things are going to be growing and changing, and we have a big retreat next year, too. Like, it doesn't have to be all or nothing when we look at these moments and we think about our life and we're like, okay, yeah, I am at peace with where I am right now, or I do want more. It's okay if you're at peace with the season and this moment, but also know that in the future you want to start that business, or in the future, you want to go on a really cool retreat. Like you can know that there are seasons, and where you are right now doesn't mean you're gonna be there forever. If you are in the darkness right now, I see you, my sister, I send you the biggest hug because that is a really hard place to be. It's definitely not forever. It's not a place that you're gonna be for the rest of your life. You can also notice that in this season is not peace and is not where you want to be. But know you're gonna get there. You're gonna find it. And if you start asking yourself some really deep questions, it's gonna make a really big difference. So I had written down a couple thought-provoking prompts. If you're a journaler, you could get out your journal and you could write things out. I'm a thinker, so I am someone who like I like to think deeply about these and even have conversations with people about them because it helps me to get the clarity, and I don't always get that when I'm writing things down, paper and pen. Or I guess I'm, I should say, I'm not always making the time to write things down, paper and pen. It's just like I'm always on the go. But I do always have my brain with me, and I like to be able to spend some time in there, regardless of if there's a million distractions around, I can still be with my brain, and it might not be perfect, but I like to think, and I'm gonna make it work, whether that's at three in the morning or in the middle of the day, or in the car, whatever, when I have a moment. And the first one that I was thinking about was what is the dream for me? Like, what is that dream life, that dream moment, that peace? Like, what would be peace for me? And I think sometimes it takes a little bit of thought to get there. It's not the dream or the peace that I thought it was gonna be. It's not the dream or the peace that my parents told me I was gonna have. What would it actually be for me? And not letting any other factors come in, not letting anyone else, you know, persuade this thought, but really getting clear on what you want and what that dream life looks like. Is it your dream to be curled up in bed with your cat and your dog, or is that a nightmare for you to have your pets in bed with you? Only you know, and there's no judgment there, right? You might think Jess is absolutely crazy for letting a cat sleep in her face, but it doesn't matter what other people think. All that matters is that you figure out what this dream is and what this peace would be for you, and then you get to bring that into action, or you get to notice it a little bit more. And I find that to be one of the hardest things in a world that is telling us all the time what to do, what to think, where to go, what to listen to. Like right now in the world, everybody's listening to the same couple things, watching the same couple shows, talking about the same things, and it can get boring. It also is so easy to get sucked into it. So if you're in a season that you're also just consuming all of the same content because it's what's in front of you, give yourself a little bit of space and see if you get that clarity on what the dream is and what pieces for you once you step away from what everyone's been telling you to do. And believe me, I know that's really, really hard when it's just like thrown in our faces everywhere we go. They want us to kind of be in that robotic state, but I think it would be better if we were all unique and beautiful in our own ways. But anyways, that's a whole other podcast episode. Second question that I have for you is Am I living that vision, that version of the dream life? Am I living components of it, little pieces of it? Am I living it to its fullest? Am I living it in moments? Like, am I having that dream and that content at night and three in the morning, but during the day when your kids are running around and you're just kind of like, oh gosh. Is there a moment in your day that's the dream and other moments that are not? Can we figure out how to lean into some of those other peaceful moments more? I never really understood this until I became a mom too. There's so many things that have changed my perspective since becoming a parent that I would have just been like, well, just make the time or tell the kids to go go away for a little bit so you can meditate. I that is such a joke. That is just not a way that my brain works. And so in these pockets that I have, no baby around, no noise, I actually am home alone, and I still closed my office door so that I could record this because there can still be distractions with my pets, and even just the energy of my pets sometimes can just be like a little too much. And I just wanted no one to want anything from me for like 30 minutes. So I close the door, I have my water here, I have my candle going, I'm having I'm like, I'm in a zone over here. And that's a moment of peace for me too. As much as I love the moments when I'm laying in bed and I'm curled up with everybody. I also love these moments when I am 100% alone and nobody wants anything from me. And there's something about that balance, right? It's not one or the other. It's not, you know, this is this is the moment, and all of my life should look like the moment. No, there's gonna be some fluctuation there, and I really want you to figure out what those moments are and what you need more of, and how you can create that in your life so that you can truly look at your life and say, okay, I'm living it, I'm doing it. And maybe you start to notice some of the pockets where it doesn't feel like that, and where can you make that change? How can you shift it a little bit? We're all gonna have to do things we don't want to do. This is not a podcast where you come on, you're like, just told me that my life should look 100% perfect all of the time. But I do think we should have more happy moments and more content moments than we have unhappy moments. I think we should be finding more joy, and I think there are things in our life that are robbing our joy, and we're just sacrificing those moments. One of the things I wrote down earlier after I was doing my breath work was very simply, if today was your last day, would you be satisfied with how you're living your life? Ugh. Very simply, right? It's like such a do question. Because we can, you know, take our days for granted. We've had a lot of death around us lately, not in direct contact to like us and our family, thank goodness, but in our neighborhood, there's been a lot of accidents, there has been a lot of tragedy and young death uh in our community, and it's devastating, devastating, and we think about the families and we think about the individuals who are involved, and we can think about that last moment, even those last 24 hours, we do not know. This is gonna go morbid for a second, but we don't know. We don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, we don't know what tonight's gonna bring, we don't like Glenn and I are getting ready to go bowling here, okay? We don't know if I'm gonna win or if I'm gonna lose. There's a good chance I'm not gonna do great, but you never know, okay? You never know. And I think if we were to start to live our lives every single day in that energy of just like, hey, if today was my last day on earth, would I be satisfied with how I lived it? It does not need to be perfect. That doesn't mean that everything has to be like, oh, I'm not gonna scroll anymore, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna eat any sugar, whatever you want to say, right? Maybe it's like you're gonna eat all the sugar because today could be your last day. Whatever it is for you, I want you to just lean into that a little bit more. If you wouldn't be satisfied, and I had this moment when I wrote that down this morning, like, oof, I don't know if I would be totally satisfied with how I spent these last couple hours consuming content that's just like not it. That's like just scrolling and and boring and all of these things. What would I want to do instead? Sit down, hang out with you, like go to a coffee shop and just like get into it, go deep into conversation, like be around my sisters more and just like really connecting deeply with women in person, I think would be like like where I'm thriving. Uh also spending time with my family, obviously, like being with my son, being with my husband, being with my parents, my sister, like being with people, knowing that time is limited is like where I'm really trying to put my time and attention to. With those who are in the sisterhood, like spending time one-on-one with as many of them as I possibly can to help really connect and to get deep and to understand people. Like it's just people and community are the top priority. And we think I think we have this false sense of community with social media because it used to be that, right? It used to be everything and it used to be where we got our friends, and it still can be, but I do think there's a disconnect there a little bit more in the last couple years, and so really getting clear on who those people are and what you need in order to really live out that dream vision you have, I think is really important right now. So as we get into this really busy season, like October through December, there is a lot going on. We have holidays and we have that hustle, and like people are putting the trees up starting November 1st, right? As soon as Halloween's done. Like there's just so much going on at the end of the year that we get so caught up in the hustle, we get so caught up in getting things done, making things perfect, that I would really challenge you to pause and to look at this season with a different lens. Like, what would actually bring you joy? I know, especially now as this is being my first season as a parent, that it kind of changes things. You want things for them, you want things for your family, you want things for other people. But like, let's be selfish for just a little bit and figure out what that dream vision of this season would be for you, what that dream vision of your life as we go into the end of 2025. And I know things are chaotic and crazy and angry and and there's so much hurt in the world right now that I want you to put your joy goggles on just for a few moments and see a new vision, see a new light in your life so that you can start to distract yourself a little bit more and bring yourself back to where you need to be, where you need to see the light in your life, to see the light who you are. Like you are literal magic, but we're so distracted by everything else, all the to-dos. And believe me, I see you even before I sat down to this podcast. Like I could I still am thinking of all the things I have to do before Glenn gets home with the baby, before we have to go out to a birthday party today, before we have to do all of these things. Like there's just so much I need to do. But what if we could just be for a little bit longer, see the joy, see the peace in our life, and really get clear on that vision we have and how we can create it a little bit more. And if you're like me and you know, life is a little crazy and you don't always have the time to sit down and reflect, I would challenge you to reach out to me about working one-to-one. With our one-to-one schedule, I sit down with you every single week for 45 minutes and we can dive into your needs, talk to yourself about what you need, and really help you to get clear because unless we make the time for it, unless we really have that pocket carved out for ourselves, we don't make the time for it. We don't always do what we need to do. And when there's, you know, life is life and all around us, it's really hard for us to create space and time for our confidence, for our journey, for enlightenment. And that is exactly what our one-to-one sessions are all about. It's really about uncovering what you need and bringing that to life and having someone in your pocket to remind you that you're worthy of these things over and over and over again because you are. And when you work with me one-on-one, it is all about you. Like it is just so important for me to dive into you and help to uncover some of those things that you need in your life and make it happen. Bring that action to life. And so I have two spots open until the end of the year. We typically do it in about a three-month container. It can also be a six-month container. I will put all the information for you in the show notes. There's an application form for it too, but there is only two spots open, and our timing is in the evenings or on the weekends. If so, if you're someone who works in corporate and those times work for you, it's a really great opportunity for us to dive into you every single week and carve out time for you. Like, I don't know. Are you doing that? Are you filling the space all the time with things for everyone else and chores for everyone else? Finding this time for you is the best gift you can give yourself in this season. So I will put all the information for you in the show notes. You can apply for the last two spots for the end of the year, but I would love to get to know you on a deeper level and bring your confidence to light because as we walk into the new year, I know what we like to say new year and new you, but no, new year, more evolved, you know, strong, confident version of you is coming out. And we're gonna hopefully also allow some time for that peace and figure out what those things are in your life. I love you so much. Like, I just am like in awe of you as I spend time with you every single week and we hang out. I'm really, really grateful that you're here. So I hope you have a wonderful week and you find some time for your peace. Whether that is with your pets sitting in your face or you think that's absolutely crazy. I hope you find what brings you a little bit of joy. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget, you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.

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Jess Clerke

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