Self(ish) Confidence

[286] Behind the Grind: Balancing Clarity, Action and Joy

• Jess Clerke • Episode 286

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Change is inevitable, but navigating transitions with grace requires balancing the bittersweet emotions of growth. When cherished friendships evolve, careers shift, or new roles like parenthood transform our identity, we often find ourselves mourning previous versions of ourselves while simultaneously embracing new possibilities.

Many of us fall into the trap of waiting for perfect clarity before taking action toward our dreams. But life rarely works that way. Instead, it offers small nuggets of insight—little breadcrumbs along a path—guiding us forward one step at a time. The magic lies in recognizing that clarity emerges through action, not before it. Each small step provides more information, more direction for the next move. It's the ultimate scavenger hunt where you only get the next clue after taking a step forward.

This process of taking imperfect action builds confidence. When we move despite uncertainty, we demonstrate trust in ourselves and our resilience. The key is making these actions manageable—bite-sized steps that accumulate over time, creating significant momentum toward our goals.

Ready to transform your environment? Join our Selfish Sisterhood community where you'll find support, connection, and guidance as you create spaces where you can truly thrive.

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess, and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and I'm already crying just a little bit. I thought before I'd come on here, I was just checking some things off my list and doing some tasks, and I had really wanted to send a message to a friend of mine who is moving away. And even as I say it, I still feel all kinds of things about it. And there's just something so magical about a friendship that just clicks. A friendship that you don't have to put a whole lot of energy into, just like a quick text, like, hey, I'm coming over, or like, hey, what do you got in the fridge? Like those kind of friendships that you just feel so natural and you can be 100% yourself. You could show up wearing whatever you wanted. You could just, yeah, do life together and not have to tiptoe around certain conversations or feel like you have to hold anything back. It's just like the most beautiful, genuine friendships. This is one of those friends. And one of those people who I can like even just like yeah, just drop in for a quick hello. Like, those are the friendships that I absolutely love. And this is someone who I just, yeah, I love so much. And so I was sending her a little voice note to say, like, you know what? Like, here's one of our first photos together, and like I know this isn't goodbye because it's not, but I'm not just gonna be able to show up on your doorstep whenever I want, or whenever I'm in the area, and it's just so oh, so like conflicting in emotions when this happens, right? Maybe you feel this way with a friend that you have, or even just in a scenario in your life, even if you're like you've become a parent and all of a sudden you think about like the version of you that was before who could do anything whenever they wanted, and you mourn that, and you're so sad for it, even though you know this next chapter is so beautiful and so exciting and an adventure of a lifetime, you still miss these pieces and this there's still this sadness to the version of you that was before, the friendship that was and existed before. And I've just been thinking about that a lot lately, even just in my own life and for the season that I'm in, I am now a mom to an eight-month-old. What the heck? Where did eight months go? And also the version of me that was before. I can sometimes look at the successes that I had when I first started this podcast, speaking on all kinds of stages and, you know, going through my year of confidence and doing things that just, you know, on the drop of a whim, going to conferences and going and meeting new people and being all in all different areas of the world all the time. Like it was nothing to be flying somewhere every month to this new season of my life where I am home a whole lot more. And I also want to be home a whole lot more, and I have opportunities to go and speak at events and to attend events, and I am not totally sure I want to take that on right now in this season, and it's just been trying to figure out and navigate how to be present in the life that I have and also building the life that I want as we move forward. And this comes with some of these friendships that have really significantly impacted who I am today, and as they shift, I know I'm shifting. And so I was just thinking about that as I am crying, sending these voice notes to a friend of mine about the journey that we've had. And I am I am a sentimental person. I'm not even gonna say I'm not. I am a sentimental person, not with physical things, but with emotions and with energies, and I think about people a lot and the love that I have for them and just like want them to know it. It's one thing that I've always thought about is just like making sure people know that they're loved and that they're seen and they are valued in my life is really, really important to me, and even more important since becoming a mom, that the people who are important to me know that they're important to me because my attention is just not the same as it used to be, and I want people to still know that they're important in my life and valued, and and maybe you have that in your life too. You're in a season where life and work is really busy, or maybe you're just not feeling like yourself lately. There's been a lot of chaotic energy in the air, and making sure that you feel valued and loved is really important, and also the people around you who you do love find a way to make those friendships important and show up for them in a way that you can in the capacity that you're in, even if it's just a quick text message of like, hey, I'm thinking of you, like what's going on over there, or how are you, and and leave it at that. It doesn't have to be big things, but friendship is one thing that's really important. We talked about that a little bit last week too, with the environment. These are the people in my life that make the environment feel so perfect and ease, and I'm like ready to thrive when I am around them. Those are the people I want in my corner. I want those to be my top five people that I spend the most time with because there's just something about that energy that feels so good and helps me to tackle all of these things that I have been writing down this morning that I want to achieve and I want to grow into. And I've also been chatting a lot with some mompreneurs, some people who are entrepreneurs and also moms trying to figure out how to do it right now on maternity leave, figuring out how to get some things done in a quick nap time cycle that just is so difficult for me. I'm finding it really difficult to turn off the like mom brain and turn on work mode, and they cannot also both both be on simultaneously for me. It has to be one or the other. So this pocket of time that I get that I can sit down and record and I can get all my ideas out and I can meditate a little bit and I can light my candle and drink my coffee and just be in my zone is so, so perfect. It gives me a few minutes to even think about, yeah, the people in my life who I want to celebrate and love on, get some of those tasks done that feel really good for me, and then also love and celebrate on myself. And that's what I wanted to talk to you about today. I know that was a long tangent way of getting there, but I've really been wanting to talk to you about these three different things in your life that are gonna help you to cycle into the version of you that you want to become. As you know, I've talked about it before too. I'm in a season of the year of confidence, postpartum edition, figuring out this new, not even figuring out, just getting to know this new version of me who birthed a human, has been keeping a human alive and blinked, and eight months have passed, and still trying to just navigate where I want to go and what direction I want to take. And again, it just changes so much. It just changes so much. Like everything really did change, but when I get this moment to sit down, I was talking to a girlfriend about this yesterday. When I get this moment to sit down, I am so solid in my purpose and what I want to bring to this world. It sometimes just gets blurry on how I want to bring it to this world. Last year at this time, we were just getting ready to bring my very first large in-person event, speak up, to life. I think we were just like a week out from bringing that event to life, and that felt so sure to me for so long that that was like the goal and the thing I wanted to do. And then I did it and I checked the box and I was like, maybe this isn't the energy and the goal that I want. That's how I do a lot of things going forward, too. It's like maybe we'll try it and see how it is. I love putting events together, but on that large scale, it just like might not be for me, especially in this season where I only have so much brain power for some things. I am a very much a one-to-one kind of gal. I love to be with you, to know you, to really dive into it. And so I've been sitting down with the ideas on where I want to go, but I think I've been waiting for the clarity on where that is for so long. I definitely did when I was pregnant. I was like, I don't know what next year is gonna look like, so I'll just keep waiting. I will wait until I know. And I think that there is some magic in that clarity that we get, but I don't think we can wait for the clarity for too long. It's never going to be fully clear. We're never gonna be able to just, you know, have the cloud around our head like totally disappear. And we're like, oh, I can see it now. This is what my future's gonna look like. Just the same as last year, being pregnant, not knowing what this year is gonna look like. We do not know what next year's gonna look like, both in the world that we're living in and in our lives. Like, you don't know what could change tomorrow. And I think for us to have this solid plan, I'm sorry for my type A friends who are like, I like to have a plan, I like to have it organized, I like to know what's coming, it just doesn't work, okay? You can have a plan, it's just probably not gonna go that way. Regardless of if you're a parent or any like, we don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, literally. Think about five years ago. A lot has changed, right? We didn't know what was gonna happen and it happened. And so remembering that clarity isn't gonna be perfect, and so when you get this little download, however you get ideas, however you get your downloads, take one step in that direction. So clarity is kind of the first step, but knowing it's not gonna be perfectly clear is like what you have to be okay with, okay? You are not gonna have the full picture, it's not gonna be completely clear, but you're gonna get some kind of clarity and some kind of direction that you need to go, even the smallest tidbit. I have written down for me this morning when I was meditating the smallest tidbits. And I think that's awesome, right? I'm a person who does like to have the whole picture figured out. I like to know where I'm going, I like to know if it's gonna be successful before I do it. But it's just not gonna be the case. We have to do some trial and error, we have to try things out. We can only accumulate knowledge and information for so long without taking action, right? That next piece that comes is that action piece. And I do think the more clear the vision is going to get, the m is from the more action that we take, right? I've said this before. Confidence comes from taking action. You have to take some kind of step forward in order to gain more confidence, in order for you to gain more clarity. And sometimes that can just be the smallest thing. You got this like little pebble, this little nugget from the universe, and it's like, hey, try this. And you have to go in that direction to try it in order to get the next nugget. It's like the ultimate scavenger hunt. Your life is like the ultimate scavenger hunt, and you're just gonna have to keep getting those clues along the way and be okay with not knowing where that ending is going to be. I bet you listening to this, even if you were to think about five years ago, ten years ago, fifteen years ago, where you were, you would not be picturing here. You would not be picturing the season that you're in right now. It I definitely would not be picturing this season right now, especially as a parent. But even to be where we're living, I never visualized us living in this space. I also never thought that we'd ever go to Barbados and live there or get a dog from Barbados. Like, there's just so many pieces of my life that if I had written the plan and I said, this is where we're going and this is how we're gonna get there, it would have sucked so bad compared to what I actually got, compared to what God actually had for me, what the universe had for me, and I can like hear it in my ear of like just like a clap clap because it's very true. The vision that we have and the vision that is actually meant for us, they do not compare it. It is not a one-to-one, right? It is just gonna be so much better, and that's one thing I always used to say too, it's this or something better. And if it's if it's not this, I had to say that many, many times because the vision I had, it's like if it's not this, it has to be better. It has to be something more because I really want this thing. And well, I can tell you right now, the life I'm sitting in, the vision that I'm sitting in right now, it is so much better than what I ever thought life could be. But that came from following those little nuggets, those little pebbles along the way. And I have to redo that now because I almost feel like I'm starting over, even though I'm a version of me that's so far beyond the version of me that was five years ago. I feel like I, again, in that year of confidence, taking those little tiny actions over and over and over again to get me to that next version that I don't even know is possible yet. But it takes just trusting the little scavenger hunt nuggets that we're getting along the way. And maybe you kind of feel like that now too. You're in this like grind of like trying to get to that place. You're just going and going and going. You're that hamster on the wheel, moving forward in the direction that you think you're supposed to be going, the or the direction maybe you think you should be going, but you're just in that hamster wheel, circling, circling, circling, circling, circling, or waiting for clarity. You're just sitting on the rock waiting for clarity. There needs to be that action piece. Sure, we can have that time for thinking and planning and getting insights, but then we have to take action. Those are the two pieces side by side that make a really big difference. And even in these friendships that I talked about earlier, like had I not taken action in making these friends and also taking action and keeping up with these friends, I wouldn't have a relationship, a friendship that I am crying about today. It takes that constant energy into a space, but again, in not knowing. Sometimes when you meet someone, it can click right away and you can be like, Yeah, it's my person. But if you leave it at that, it's never gonna go anywhere. It takes showing up, it takes reminding yourself of the people who are important to you, it takes action on both parties for this to come to life, and that is where things are gonna flourish and things are gonna grow. Just like a relationship with a partner, right? If you think of the partner you're with, it took energy, it took you having dates and showing up and and putting that effort somewhere. It's the same for this dream that you have, this life you want to live. We need to keep showing up and taking the actions. And they do not have to be big actions. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know I am all about little actions that are manageable, that are bite-sized, that you can do without making excuses because I am not always a big action gal. And you might think that that's crazy seeing the things that I've achieved on my own, but it takes little actions to get there. That's what the year of confidence is all about. Little tiny actions over and over and over again to get you to that place you want to go. And the other thing that I really wanted to talk to you about today is like clarity is great, action is great, but sometimes we put our life on pause until we get to this version of ourselves. I'll enjoy it when, I'll be there when I'll show up when. But what if we were to actually have some fun with it right now, too? There's something about becoming a parent that has showed me that joy and fun is like the most important thing in the process. We were not here to be like robots and only take action and only show up for some kind of goal, whatever that goal is. We are here to have fun, we are here to live, we are here to play. Like imagine being sent to the playground and you're like the kid over in the corner counting the pebbles because that's what you think you're supposed to do. That's basically like being sent to earth and doing your nine to five and counting the pebbles and doing the work, but the playground is sitting right there. It's right in front of you, and you could just go over and go down a slide, or you could go over and swing in the swings. Like life is is the fun part, but we're just taking it so seriously and counting our pebbles, trying to find that clarity, taking action over and over again. But we also need to be having some fun. So I'd love for you to sit in that energy of like when you were a little little one, when you were a little child, what was it that brought you joy? What filled your cup up? For me, I was someone who loved crafts, I loved coloring, I loved just being in my backyard and like exploring in the woods. I I I just like there was really simple things for me. My parents say this all the time that I was a really easy-going kid, that I just could like be given a coloring book and I was happy. I could just like hang out and relax and and enjoy my crafts. And I don't make enough time for that now. I have this coloring page that's been on my desk since we did the create and connect call in the sisterhood. So it's a new call that I built just last month where we come together with some kind of thing we want to create. So some of the sisters brought puzzles, I was working on a coloring page, some people were working on business ideas, organizing things in their lives. Like it could be anything that you wanted to create, but you had to come with the purpose of creativity and creation of some kind. And we were gonna bring it to light. Like we were gonna chit-chat, we were gonna connect, but we're also gonna take some time to not just learn, but have some fun. And I had that coloring page on my desk, and I'm like, I'm gonna finish that. It was so much fun to do on that creep and connect call, and I haven't touched it since. I need to make more time for that, and I know it's hard, especially as a parent, but like for anyone, our lives are busy. It's hard to pause and create something for fun when we're just consuming content and and you know, being in our lives and all of the stuff. Like it's just difficult. I get it. But there's nothing better than doing something that brings you joy, pausing life, pausing the busyness that we have, and remembering that joy comes when we take action in the fun ways, right? Like going to go play some frisbee, going out to the dog park, going, like, what for you is that thing? And I can make a list. I could sit here and be like, how about this thing? Glenn and I were talking about that last night. The things that we enjoy doing, like going to the arcade or you know, going out into the woods, or like there's like we love playful things like going bowling, like that is so fun for us, and we just haven't been making time for it. I do think having a kid will help once he's like in that more playful mode and going to the park. I do think that makes a difference, but I don't want a reason to have to play. I want to play because I want to play, and I just think that we lose sight of that as we become adults, and we think that the grind is the play, right? I have turned everything that I love into a business, every hobby I've ever had has become a business, and that's not a bad thing, but I do think that it kind of twists things in our brains for work and play to kind of go hand in hand, and then it becomes work, right? All the things that you loved and was play has now become work. So, where can you find fun and play without it becoming work? Like, do something just for the sake of doing something, like bake some cookies because you want to bake some cookies. I am not a baker, so that's not gonna be for me. I do love cooking though, so like cook a meal. We made this delicious we, I, um my little guy, he just watched, uh, made this sweet potato peanut stew this week from a recipe book, and it was just fun to cook something different, to go and get the ingredients and to cook some food, and then for it to also be delicious, and for my son to also gobble it up was like just this like whole full circle thing. But I love just cooking and making some things. So, like, what for you is fun? What was fun for you when you were a kid, and how can you bring that back? Can you bring out your old skateboard and do some little loop-de-loos and have some fun? My husband is really good at this. He loves playing hockey, he loves going mountain biking, and he makes time for it. And I think that that is a really beautiful thing for my son to see and also for me to see. I just need to also incorporate that and have some fun and enjoy it too. Maybe it's reading a book. I actually just signed up for a reading retreat and I'm really excited for just like a weekend of like reading and drinking coffee and relaxing and chatting with the girls and just having some fun. And if you're in the Halifax area and you're like, that sounds really nice, send me a message. I can send you the info on it. But I'm really excited to go to a retreat that is for fun. It's not necessarily about growth or you know anything else. It's just to simply be and to have fun and to hang out with the girls and to eat some good food and drink some coffee and read some books. 100%. I'm so excited. So try to find those things for you. And it might not be an it's definitely not gonna be an everyday thing. Like, our lives are crazy, but incorporate it into your week somewhere. Schedule it into your week a couple hours on a Saturday, or maybe it's during the week on your lunch break at work. You can like sneak away just for like an hour of whatever it is for you that's fun. I think it's really important for us to remember that as much as like action towards success is really important, we have to take action in order to get there. We also have to pause for some fun and enjoy life too. Because there's just something about this world that makes us want to grind over and over and over again. But you're meant to live and you're meant to have fun. So if you're looking for some fun, I have a couple really cool selfish socials coming up on the calendar too. We are going to a Tides game in October, which is gonna be really exciting. I have never been to the Tides, which is our women's soccer team here in Halifax. I have never been to a soccer game before, so I'm really excited for that to do something different. We are going to, we have a box, we're going to go just enjoy a soccer game, get out, hang out with the girls for a bit, and then I'm really looking forward to some holiday socials. I'm thinking some holiday crafts would be really fun to get again that creativity and that fun. And yeah, there's just something about the season that's coming up that makes me want to just get with the girls, do some crafts, to hang out, to create things, and I think there's something pretty magical in that. So if you're looking for a community and you're local in the Halifax area, we are doing our socials uh here in person. And then if you're virtual somewhere in the world and you're like, I wish I was in Halifax and could go to these things, we also have a virtual community, the Selfish Sisterhood. It is on sale right now to join. You can get 90 days for$90, and you can come in and enjoy our Create and Connect calls, our book club calls, our sisterhood chats, our workshops. We are actually going to be talking about like incorporating some of these things to take action in a way that feels good for us moving forward into the last three months of the year, which is wild that we're here already, but it's just a really beautiful space for you to come. And then we're also working, I say we, it is me. Hello, I am me. I am working to build a selfish moms club, both in person and a virtual community for moms and mom entrepreneurs. You don't have to be an entrepreneur to be a part of it at all, but I really want this place where we can come and we can chat and we can talk ideas and we can let the kids play and we can just build something together. Because the other day I got a phone call, phone call, voice message from a friend of mine, and she was like, Jess, like, how are you doing this? You look like you're keeping it all together. And I laughed out loud because juggling business and baby isn't is not easy for me right now. I'm figuring it out where I can and how I can, and thankfully I have great support with my partner. But it is not always easy, and I don't have it figured out. Having a space, like a selfish mom's club where we can come and we can chat and we can be real about what's going on in our lives really makes it easier. Because then you start to see she doesn't have it figured out either. Okay, great, let's do this messy together. Let's have some fun along the way, let's make this happen while we're playing with our kids, while we're enjoying life. We can have our dreams come to life while also playing and having fun. So I'm really excited for all the thanks coming. If you have any questions about anything I chatted about, whether that's the socials, the sisterhood, or the mom's club, I'll put in the show notes. You can also send me a DM. It really means a lot to hear from you, to connect with you, and to know that we are in this together. And I can guide you into whatever it is that you need in this space, in this confidence space. So I love you so much. I hope you're having the best week and you're finding some time for play. And you're also taking action towards your goals. It's gonna be a beautiful, beautiful last three months of the year. I love you so much, sis. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget, you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.

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Jess Clerke

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