Self(ish) Confidence

[EP 282] Putting your ✨SELF✨ back in Self Confidence

• Jess Clerke • Episode 282

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The world feels chaotic and overwhelming, leaving many of us constantly seeking external validation and guidance. We scroll through social media looking for answers, ask mentors what to do next, and let influencers dictate our choices—gradually disconnecting from the most important voice of all: our own.

In this thoughtful exploration of self-trust, we examine how life transitions naturally shake our identity, creating the perfect opportunity to rediscover who we truly are. Whether you're navigating motherhood, changing careers, or simply feeling lost in the noise of modern life, the path back to yourself begins with small, intentional moments of reconnection.

Our addiction to screens has left us perpetually distracted, missing precious moments with loved ones and ourselves. We've forgotten how to sit with our thoughts, how to be bored, how to trust our intuition. Yet these seemingly mundane capabilities are the foundation of confidence and clarity.

You don't need hours of meditation or dramatic life changes to begin rebuilding your relationship with yourself. Simple practices like implementing "one screen at a time" or ensuring "sunlight before blue light" can gradually strengthen your self-trust muscles. The key is consistency, grace, and recognizing that breaking years of conditioning takes time.

This episode offers a gentle reminder that in a world profiting from your self-doubt, choosing to trust yourself is a radical act. Your intuition has been speaking all along—it's time to start listening.

UNLEASH YOUR CONFIDENCE with Confidently You. 

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here and something just feels really magical about today, and it's probably because we get to sit down and hang out and chat and, like I truly do feel like we're girlfriends hanging out, having a coffee and just chatting about life and what we're going through. And it's probably because I treat this podcast exactly like that that it's. It's a conversation. It's us hanging out. It's not me preaching at you and teaching at you, because I'm figuring it out too, especially in the season that I'm in, where I'm getting to know the version of me that is now a mom like, even just like a version of me that has gone through a total life transition and I think so many of us especially I'm sure you listening has been through this too in some area of your life, whether that's changing careers or starting a new hobby or, you know, losing a friendship, right, and really starting to understand who you are in this season and even just like puberty right, like that is literally becoming a whole new version of yourself and adapting and understanding and getting to know this version of you. I just don't think we take the time to do, and that is really what I built through this whole year of confidence and even through just growing this podcast and really connecting with you on it. It's all come from that idea of self-trust and self-identity and I was thinking about this as I was thinking about self-ish confidence, it always being about self-confidence and that ish, like I'm figuring it out. But what if we were to really focus on that self aspect?

Speaker 1:

And I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine yesterday. We went for a walk in the park and we were sweaty it was a hot one out there and so we took my little guy for a nice long walk in the park and just enjoyed some coffee and some chit chats and really getting into that layer of like what is life right now, what we're going through and what we want, like what we want from this life. And I think right now it just feels like such a strange season and maybe you're in it too. It's not even a season just the world, society, everything feels like really strange and I truly do believe it's because we're in this transitional period of a new world coming and you might be like okay, jess, you're, you're weird, but also that's just what. I believe there's some major shifts happening and in order for major shifts to happen, like chaos also has to happen to kind of shake it up. And I think, well, even just think about your own life. Right, like the greatest shifts in our lives often happen when things are like shook. They're shook, real shook. Um, shaken up like a shaken espresso from Starbucks oh man, those are so freaking good, um, but I often think, do I really need three shots of espresso right now? Probably, you know, probably, and maybe.

Speaker 1:

Why I'm so energized today is when I did have pre-workout. I did work out today, which is great, um, because I haven't had like a lot of time to do that. Great, because I haven't had like a lot of time to do that, and also my little guy slept for like seven and a half hours straight. I woke up a few times because I did think he might not be alive, because there's just no way, but it was just a really magical night of him actually sleeping. So I feel like a whole new human and that's given me some time to really think about this transitional phase and who I'm becoming and who I want to become in this season. And so today I really wanted to talk to you about that aspect of self, like who are you? And, yeah, who are you becoming, who do you want to be? And really giving yourself that time to have that clarity.

Speaker 1:

And this comes in a lot of different areas. I think if we can start to learn to trust ourselves a bit more through this process and see value in ourselves, see that inner value instead of always looking to the external. And I see this a lot, especially as a mentor who works with women in all different areas of their lives. As a mentor who works with women in all different areas of their lives, often we want a detailed how-to from someone anyone, right, like just tell me what to do, like I can't make one more decision. I think this comes from decision fatigue, I think this comes from just an overall overwhelm in our life, and this really just comes from us not being connected with our intuition. And I talked about this a few weeks ago, where, you know, I truly do believe that intuition plays a massive role in who we are becoming and how it can like just like help us to see the world better and act on our decisions better, and so I talked about the authority in human design and how that can really help you to just I don't know see and feel and live a more authentic life, and actually I truly do believe a simpler life. If we can really get in tune with our intuition, it's going to build a simpler life, and not only a simpler life, but also just an inner trust life, but also just an inner trust, an inner self-awareness, a self-trust.

Speaker 1:

And today, what I did differently than I typically do on these times that I have a chance to sit down and record with you, is that Saturdays are my day to get pretty much everything in my life done, and like, essentially like four hour period is about getting everything in my life done, and so as soon as my husband leaves with the baby to go visit his family, I sit down on my laptop or I grab my phone and I start doing all of the things that are on my to-do list that I have created for the whole week and I just get into work. And I've always been like that, like work is kind of my outlet. Work has always been my hobby. Every time I have a new hobby it turns into a business. I learned this from my parents. They're entrepreneurs also and I have started to just feel a little disconnected from my work, or almost even resentful from my work, because I the only time I get a break is to work. And this is to no fault of anyone but my own, because I just have always built hobbies around work until they just don't feel like hobbies anymore and they feel like, well, obviously work so and I love what I do. But when that bitterness comes in and that resentment comes in, it just doesn't have the right same like the same energy, especially in the work that I do. It just doesn't feel right.

Speaker 1:

And so today I decided to flip things a little bit differently and I decided to take care of myself first. I wanted to move my body in some way other than just a walk and I don't even say just a walk, because a walk is a really great way to move my body and I do it so frequently but I really wanted to pick up some weights. I wanted to do something differently. I wanted to challenge myself a little bit. So I wanted a workout and I really wanted some time to just journal and meditate and hang out with myself, because some ideas and new things have been coming into my head but they leave just as fast because I just don't have the time to kind of grasp them or sit with them or even write them down.

Speaker 1:

If I don't write down an idea or a podcast idea or something I want to talk about in the Selfish Sisterhood, if I don't write it down as soon as it comes into my head, it is running away. And if you haven't read the book Big Magic by Liz Gilbert this is my all-time favorite book. I've mentioned it many times, but I love the concept of creativity because she talks about that that ideas will come to you, they want to be put out into the world and if you don't accept them, they're going to go find someone else to bring it to light, and that's just the way that it works, whether you believe it or not. But in this book that's what she talks about, and I often focus on that execution aspect before taking care of myself. But I wanted, again, to do something different today, so I moved my body, I spent some time with my brain, I pulled some cards, I chatted with some sisters I, you know, ate lunch before I even sat down to work and I can feel an energy shift.

Speaker 1:

Something is very different in how I'm showing up today. One because I'm still energized right now and I haven't had caffeine since like many, many moons ago, by many moons, like hours, not years, obviously. But it's just different. It just feels different because I took care of myself first, I connected with myself first, and I put that emphasis on self because I think there's a shift happening, not even necessarily in this podcast, but just in my life, that focuses less on that confidence piece and more on that self piece, and I think confidence comes when we really lean into that self.

Speaker 1:

So, that being said, what is it that you need in this season, right now, if you were to sit with yourself and give yourself that care that you need first, before diving into your work before diving into your kids, and I know this is so hard to do, especially now that I have a little guy. He's five months old which where did the time go? And he's busier and he needs a lot more attention than he did when he was a potato, and now he's just a bigger potato and it's just. I can get it. If you're listening to this and you're like Jess, yeah, good for you, you want to take care of yourself first. So glad you have one day a week that you can do that. Wouldn't that be nice? But we can do it in smaller chunks. It doesn't have to be big things, but I'm noticing it more that when I prioritize those aspects of self that I haven't been able to do for, like we can say, the last five months since having a child, but also even my whole pregnancy, I was severely ill, depressed and just not in a good place and I didn't totally recognize that until I was out of it, self-care was not a priority. And now that I have a little bit more clarity, I can see how important this is, and I can feel it today, and so if you're listening to this and you're just like, I want to feel good.

Speaker 1:

It's been a long year, jess. It's been a long time and things do not feel great. I am chronically overwhelmed. I am addicted to my phone. I am. Every time I open up social media I see something worse about what's going on in the world and like insert all the things. I'm snippy with my kids. I'm snippy with my partner. I yelled at my dog. I did not today, actually, because I took care of myself. But sometimes, oftentimes, I'm overstimulated and Glenn and I had a great conversation about this. Glenn's my husband. If you're new here, he's a cool dude and we had a conversation about this the other day. Just like being overstimulated from being connected all the time and I do think this also comes again from not taking care of ourselves.

Speaker 1:

But the way that we're plugged in right now into the world and always looking at the external for the answers, it is really affecting us, right? We're looking at the news to tell us how we're supposed to feel. We're looking at mentors online, who we absolutely love and admire, to tell us what we should be doing in our business or in our lives. We are looking at, you know, some of our favorite influencers for the clothes we should be wearing or the style that we should have and, instead of using it as an inspiration for creativity, we are using it to as a copy paste, essentially, and even if we think about the world of AI, which I am a fan of, using a tool to help us develop things, but we are using it almost to replace our thoughts and to tell us what to do and, to you know, even to tell me, like, what groceries I should get, which is a great tool sometimes, but it would also be great if I'm using my brain a little bit more.

Speaker 1:

And the more we are stepping away from trusting ourselves and putting our true creativity and our true self first, we are losing these aspects and they are harder to regain the longer that we lose them, that we abuse them and that we do not use them. Like. That's the truth, right, and I'm seeing it more and more and more, and maybe you're listening to this just like okay, I hear you, jess, but I am burnt the F out. I see you, my friend, I see you. Is there something that you could do today for yourself that might just take a little bit of that crusty, burnt end off? I don't think we can go from burnt out to 100 in one little Saturday and one workout and one little meditation session. I don't think we can, but I do think it can take some of that crust off.

Speaker 1:

And speaking of crusty burnt things, which is like, I feel like this is like a massive ADHD episode where it's just gone all over the place. But, honestly, I decided to cook some quinoa while I took a shower. Bad idea, don't do that, okay? Especially when you're got a lot going on in your brain, you will burn it, okay, so I'm picturing this burnt quinoa that I'm chipping off of the bottom of my pot. That little bit of burnt can come off. The more we do it, a little bit more of that crusty burnt end is going to start to come off of your soul. Start to give you a little bit of relief, a little bit of energy.

Speaker 1:

But again, what's so powerful is starting to understand what you need, because I could sit here and give you a detailed list of what I'm doing, but it might not be the right things for you, right? And maybe those fit influencers online are telling you step-by-step how to get into the best shape of your life, right? And you do that step-by-step and you do not get into the best shape of your life. It's because we're so individual and we're so different that it really takes you getting clear with yourself, with your version of who you are right now, in order to see some of that transition happen, in order to see that transformation. And yeah, it's powerful stuff when we lean into ourselves more. So I asked you again what do you need today? Do you have five minutes? I bet you do. I bet you have five minutes somewhere in your day.

Speaker 1:

You're listening to this podcast, which probably, if you're like me, you're multitasking and you're either driving or maybe you're taking a shower or you're walking the dog. You're listening to this podcast on the go. I see you, I'm the same way. But if, when the car stops or when you're done your walk, you can pause and think about one thing that you could do for yourself, that would help to take some of that crusty burntness off your soul. It's going to really change the game, because most people aren't taking time for this. We are consuming content all the time and I'm so grateful you're here and consuming this. I truly am but we are consuming all the time. We're forgetting to use our brains and we're really releasing our power into others. But you are a powerful bitch Like you are and I mean bitch in like the greatest way, like you are one powerful sister when you allow yourself to be, when you trust yourself to be. And I feel really emotional as I say that, because I'm so tired of giving my power away and being exhausted and I'm so excited for potential growth and transformation that can come with a little bit of self-care.

Speaker 1:

And so I decided to dust off my journal and really sit with myself and take some time in my own program, confidently you and this is like not even a sales thing. I just said you know what. I built this program based off of a time in my life when I really didn't know who I was. That year of confidence, that season of me really didn't know who I was, that year of confidence, that season of me just like figuring out who I was again. And it built all of this. It built podcasts, it built my community, it built speaking on stages. It really transformed my life in a way that I can't even explain, but it really came from focusing on my confidence, but really focusing on myself, and so I said today I'm going to start it, I'm really going to sit down with myself and this is a 12 week self-paced program that helps you to build your own year of confidence through habits and trying new things, and every week there's something in it that just challenges you in a different way, like gets you to try something new.

Speaker 1:

See if that's a habit that works for you, that helps to build your confidence, and if it is, we build it into our year of confidence. And if it's not, then we move on to the next one. And, yeah, I'm sitting down today and I've been working through that because I feel like I can really benefit from some self-reflection, some self-confidence and really some structure when it comes to right now this season, because I only have so much time in the day. I don't have, you know, endless hours like I used to. It really is pockets and I built this in a way that you could do it in one minute a day right, you could do it in just a handful of time that you can have each and every day. So I've been thinking a lot about this and really getting back into me and what I need.

Speaker 1:

And when it comes to self-discovery, I just truly believe it takes time. It takes you asking yourself the right questions and sitting down with yourself, even if you were to like sit at a white wall and just stare at it which I know is torturous right now because our attention spans are so low but like doing nothing, is where the clarity comes from. If you are a person I've said this so many times in the pockets if you are a person who gets your best ideas when you're driving in the car or when you are taking a shower, or right when your head hits the pillow, it tells you that you're not slowing down enough, because that's the only time that your support can come through or your ideas can come through or your brain can tell you something, because they're like I've been trying to tell you this all dang day, but you have not stopped to listen. So I have to tell you now as your head hits the pillow and you are just so angry because all you want to do is sleep, because you're exhausted. Yeah, that just tells you you're not allowing enough space in your life for ideas to come through. So even the simple act of sitting down with yourself for a few minutes a day can really improve, like your brain to have some time to process things, to tell you things, to give you ideas, if you are not feeling inspired right now, I see you, my sister. I'm really glad that you're here and you're stepping into a space to help you feel inspired. But again, that comes from you. That comes from yourself. Inspired, but again that comes from you. That comes from yourself. So if you're feeling uninspired, maybe get into a coffee shop and just sit and look around and see what other people are up to. Watch the mom try and drink some coffee, or watch the solo entrepreneur in the corner working on their business, watch the students getting some things done over there, watch the old ladies playing Scrabble. I used to love going to the coffee shop and just like watching people, and I really think that this can have an impact on you getting inspiration, being around other people. And again, from a human design standpoint, if you have an undefined crown, then being in a space is going to help you to have creativity and ideas. Being around other people is going to make a really big difference, and so it just takes some of that trial and error.

Speaker 1:

Maybe it's also you to just spend some time alone. If you're like me and you're always with people, maybe it's 15 minutes of locking yourself in the bathroom and saying you're taking a long poop because we all know our partners are not actually pooping that long Like there's just no way. There's just no way it takes that long. But you tell them that that's what you're doing. Okay, and take that 15 minutes to just be, to enjoy a little pocket of silence, a little pocket of quiet time and find something that works for you. Maybe it's reading a book right now, and it doesn't even have to be a personal development book, it doesn't have to be anything that's going to fuel your soul with ideas. It's just something that's going to spark that creativity. Maybe it's spending some time in a right Slowing down, putting our phone away and coloring in a coloring book.

Speaker 1:

I have this new rule that I am trying my best to implement in my life. It's like one screen at a time. If you're like me, sometimes you can be watching TV, but you're not actually watching TV because you're scrolling on your phone. It drives me nuts when I do it, but also when I see other people do it, because then I'm like, oh right, that's that thing that I really hate when I do. So. When you see it in someone else, it's that reflection back. And so, one screen at a time. If I'm watching TV, I'm watching TV. If I'm scrolling on my phone, I'm scrolling on my phone. If I'm working on my laptop, I'm working on my laptop. I'm not also on my phone or also watching TV. Because I really am trying to battle screen addiction I think we all are and now that I have a little guy who's watching every single thing I do, I don't want to teach him that. I don't want to teach him that he always needs to be distracted.

Speaker 1:

Boredom and spending time with ourselves is such a great tool and it helps us to develop and get to know the things that we like. It helps us to build our creativity, it helps us to have imagination and have fun, and I think we're going through life a little numb lately because of all of these screens, because we're so checked in. So what if you were to unplug and spend some time with yourself? What would that look like? What would you want it to be? What would you want to do? And maybe you use the tools that you have for ideas. Maybe you ask chat GPT for some ideas. That isn't there is no shame in that, my sister. Maybe you're scrolling through social media and you see something that interests you, it's inspiration. I'm not saying that we have to totally 100% unplug in order to have clarity, but I do think we can use some of these tools differently so that we can amplify something in ourselves that we can really start to use these things to help us become better versions of our self, instead of letting it destruct ourselves and leaning on it as a crutch a little too much.

Speaker 1:

And I've just been thinking about this so much lately and maybe you're like, okay, jess, I hear you. Or maybe you're like that is a great point. I've been thinking that too. And in a world that feels very chaotic right now and in a society that's telling us we're doing all the wrong things all the time, what if we trusted our intuition right now? What if we looked inward and actually believe that we're not doing the wrong thing, that we can adjust and spend time with ourselves and slow down a little bit and put our phone down and see the world, and see the hummingbird that's hanging out at your window, or to see the smile on your kid's face when you put your phone down and you look at them. Oh man, there is nothing that kills my soul more and also uplifts my soul more. I feel so emotional to think about this when I put my phone down or look at my son real quickly, cause I'm like, oh, I'll just check, check on how he's doing. And he's looking right at you and he has the biggest smile on his face and is the cutest thing you've ever seen. But you're also just like.

Speaker 1:

I almost missed that there was actually one day I was giving him a bath. He loves bath time, like it is just the cutest thing. And oh, yeah, I had this moment where I was checking in on something on my phone. Actually, I think I was checking in and watching, like the secret lives of Mormon wives Okay, not even a great show, my friends, like not even such a mind numbing show and I was like, oh, while he's taking a bath, I'll just play it here on the side and I can watch it. And I started to do that and I said, wait a freaking minute, jess, this is his favorite time of day.

Speaker 1:

My son's favorite time of day is bath time, which has also made it become my favorite time of day, because he's just so happy and it's so fun and he's so cute. And I was missing it for the secret lives of Mormon wives, like no, thank you. But we are just in this vortex so much like in this numbing, so much. It's just like we just kind of forget, right, because we want to see these things, like I wanted to see what the Mormon wives were up to and what pops they were sipping on, you know. But it's just not even a good show and I think that was one of those moments where I started to realize how checked out I've been and it is so easy right now to get checked out because, again, everything is overwhelming and sometimes the easiest thing is just scrolling on our phone. Phone, right, because our brains just can't take one more thing. We cannot take the kids asking for one more snack. We cannot take, you know, our boss harping on us for another thing, or even just asking a simple thing, or even one more person on social media telling me how I should sleep, train my kid, right, like I just can't take one more person telling me what to do. So I'm going to numb out by scrolling, I'm going to numb out by distracting myself with more TV, and it just feels easier and I'm with you, like I am right there with you. This is not me harping on you and saying you should do things. You know one way or another way. I just I'm with you. I see you.

Speaker 1:

I have spent many, many nights lately breastfeeding or being up like, or while he's napping in my arms, scrolling on my phone, and it's just sometimes the only thing we can do. So if you're listening to this and you're like you know what, I would really love to do something different, even if it's just like taking a little bit of time for myself for 15 minutes a day, or putting my phone down, or you know, one of my favorite rules that I have is is sunlight before blue light, trying to make sure that I'm getting sun in my eyes before I pick up my phone. And really simple actions can help us to build more confidence, but also to help us to understand ourselves and really start to see value in ourselves and in our opinions. And it just takes time, right, like these things that we are addicted to are addictions. Yeah, like it's just not that easy for us to just say I'm just not going to use my phone anymore. I think it's so silly when we say that, right, I cannot just go cold turkey and stop doing what I've been doing for the last like 30 years of my life. So give yourself some grace here, give yourself some time and if you would like accountability for this, please send me a message.

Speaker 1:

Like it means the world to me and I don't know if you, if you really realize this for all podcasts. Okay, like it means the world when we know that there is someone listening on the other side and they are connecting with it and they reach out to tell you that it means so much, because really, it's just me hanging out here in my office by myself talking into a microphone and although I can picture you on the other side, I don't know if you're actually there. Obviously, if you're listening to this, you're there, but when we're creating it, we don't actually know if anyone's going to listen, and so it really means a lot. When you send a message and connect or when you write a review, it makes a big difference for the podcast. When you give us a five-star rating or when you write a review for the podcast, it really would mean the world. But more than anything, a DM with you saying you connected with an episode is the best, but also when you ask questions or you want accountability for something, please, please, please, please. I truly mean it.

Speaker 1:

Send me a message so that we can connect on this because, yeah, I'm starting a chapter of leaning into becoming a more confident version of myself in this new season and really prioritizing myself in the best way that I can right now, which again is very short periods of time. It is not the same as before with hours and hours and hours of self-work. It is talking about like 15 minutes a day and maybe you have 15 minutes that you want to work with right now to send me a message. And if you're listening to this and you're like, confidently, you, I did that program. I'd love to do it alongside you again, jess, send me a message. I'll create us a little group chat so we can hold each other accountable. And if you're listening to this and you're like I didn't do your Confidently you program, jess, but I've always wanted to or I'm interested check the show notes for all the information on it.

Speaker 1:

I am really excited to just dive into it again and to give myself that permission slip to start over, and I think it's a really beautiful thing. So I hope you are having a wonderful week and I'm just so grateful that you're here, that we can chat about things like this and hang out and talk about the weird things going on in the world and us also trying to figure out who we are becoming in this very weird world. So I I love you, I see you and I am just incredibly proud of the person that you have become. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.

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Jess Clerke

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