Self(ish) Confidence

The Heart vs. Head Battle: Finding Your Selfish Confidence

• Jess Clerke • Episode 274

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What if the limits you feel most constrained by are actually self-imposed? What if following your heart—even when your logical mind resists—is the key to unlocking your truest confidence?

Recording with my 12-week-old baby sleeping on my chest, I found myself questioning whether I could successfully multitask motherhood and podcasting. This small moment perfectly mirrors the larger struggle many of us face: the battle between heart and head, between intuition and logic, between what feels right and what society tells us is possible.

Society feeds us constant messaging about what we can and cannot do, especially as women and mothers. We're told to stay small, to choose between career and family, to wait until the "right time" to pursue our dreams. But what if we started challenging these narratives? What if we began taking micro-steps toward what lights us up, even when it feels uncertain or scary?

When we follow what feels authentically right—whether that's planning an international retreat with a newborn at home, changing careers, or simply cooking tacos for dinner—we often discover our limitations were primarily self-created. The confidence to move beyond these barriers doesn't come from eliminating doubt, but from acknowledging it and moving forward anyway.

Share this episode with someone who needs permission to follow their heart, and let me know how you're breaking through your self-imposed limitations. The matriarchy is coming—and it begins with each of us having the courage to trust ourselves.

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Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or on your social media and tag me @jess.clerke so I can personally thank you for helping spread some confidence + love!

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and if you're like Jess, your voice is a little soft today, it's because today is the first time that I am ever recording with a baby sleeping on me. Yeah, I know I set myself up so that I'd be able to sit down and record this episode for you, in case he fell asleep, and he did, but I'm not 100% sure he's going to stay asleep. So, yeah, we're just experiencing something new. I've never recorded an episode from the rocking chair with a baby asleep on me, but today is just a whole new day to try something, to see if this works for me, and I just really want the opportunity to almost like collide my two worlds of you know, sharing messages with you, connecting with you and and helping to boost your confidence alongside of boosting my own, while also being a mom and also, you know, figuring out this dynamic of how can I have both.

Speaker 1:

I did a podcast episode recently maybe you heard it about, you know, not being able to have it all at the same time. I believe you can have everything you ever wanted, but since becoming a parent especially, and since pregnancy really, I started to realize that maybe you can't have it all all the time right or all at once. Maybe sometimes there's seasons for different things, and I'm noticing it more and more, especially right now in this priority of focusing on family first. And you know, my little guy is almost 12 weeks old. He'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. That's still really freaking young even for me to be doing as much as I have been doing, and I question myself a lot on that, because society tells you that when you become a parent, everything's going to change and of course it does but also that you can't do the things that you used to do, that you're not going to have time, you're not going to have energy. It's just a weird cycle in your head, and this is partly what society teaches us and partly what we teach ourselves and the limits that we put on ourselves. And that's really what I wanted to talk to you about today, as I was sitting in this chair and I was like no, no, no, I can't do this, I can't record an episode while he's sleeping here, like he's gonna wake up, or you know, I can't be able to tackle these two things at the same time because it just it's just not possible.

Speaker 1:

And I'm learning more and more about the barriers that you break when you think it's impossible, when you think you can't do it Even as simple as like carrying all the groceries in one trip, right, and maybe your partner tells you you could never carry all those in one trip. And then you do and you're just like in your face, right. It's those moments where we start to realize what our limits are and how far beyond those limits we can actually reach. When we try, so often we just decide we can't do things. So we don't try and I've been noticing that in myself, even just in this moment to sit down and record this episode. I'm like, oh well, I can't. Well, why not? Why not try? And if he wakes up, he wakes up and I hit pause and I come back to finish this later. Or, you know, we do the best we can with what we have in this moment and I wonder where you're limiting yourself in your life. Right now, I could easily tell myself well, I have a 12 week old and I can't do this and I can't do that, you know, and all of the things right, but what if we started to look at what we can do or even what we can try?

Speaker 1:

I have been sitting down and I've just been feeling this pull to take women back to Barbados for 2026. So, if you're new here, last year I brought eight women with me to Barbados to experience the island and a confidence retreat internationally and I had never done anything like that before. And if you're really new here, you don't know that that's actually the island where I lost myself in the sense and where this podcast idea came from. I just kept hearing this urge to start a podcast and I kept feeling this pull to call it selfish confidence and to really step into teaching myself how to be confident again and bringing other women along for the ride and it really stemmed from my lack of connections on the island.

Speaker 1:

It was in COVID, it was in the pandemic, which made it really hard for me to find friends. I was alone a lot. I didn't have my driver's license, I didn't have anything. I'd have to ask my husband for cash so I could even go to the grocery store, but since I didn't have a car and it was like two million degrees every single day, I would have to also ask for a drive and it was just so annoying to not have my independence and to go back to being, you know, glenn's wife and Glenn's great. He's probably listening to this right now. What's up, baby? But it's just, it's just, it's just. It wasn't me.

Speaker 1:

But I think I needed that period to slow down, to figure out what I wanted and to take a step in that direction of what felt right. And that's exactly what I've been doing again, almost feeling that period of isolation and not necessarily lack of connection, because I have a wonderful village and connection around me, like, thankfully, that is the greatest gift that I've been given is to have so many people who love me, who love my family, and that makes this transition a lot different and easier, I should say. But also back then it took me some courage to follow what felt right. It took some courage for me to decide okay, maybe I will start that podcast, maybe I'll sign up for that course, maybe I'll hire this mentor, maybe I will start to put myself out there, buy a mic, do the things right and lead in that direction of what is feeling right, even without having any idea what's on the other end.

Speaker 1:

And I'm doing that again now, with stepping into deciding that maybe 2026 is when we go back and we do an international retreat, regardless of what my heart and my head are like, oppositely telling me, my heart saying do it, and my head saying are you insane? You have a new baby, slow down. In my head saying are you insane? You have a new baby, slow down. You know, society doesn't want you to go too big, too fast or to do too much when you're supposed to be resting or like. It's just this battle that we constantly have and that battle shakes our confidence. And maybe you feel that in your life, where you're at, maybe you're looking for a new job, you're interviewing for some new positions, and your heart is telling you one thing to jump into the new job and your head is telling you are you insane? We're comfortable here. Why would you take a leap? You know we're making decent money. You know it's not that bad right? You're not that sad at work every day, crying at your desk.

Speaker 1:

There's so many scenarios where our head and our heart are telling us two different things and, for some reason, logic the head part is the one that always comes through first. It's the one that makes us want to just be like oh yeah, of course that's the way we're supposed to go, that's what I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to get a job, stay in it until I die, and you know, that's it Period. A little morbid, right, but no, honestly, that's what the world wants us to do to stay small, to shrink, to not share our voices and, especially when women become mothers, to hide their bodies, to hide away, to take the time that they need to heal. There's a difference between, you know, feeling okay and wanting to do it and also needing the space and needing the extra time. Thankfully for me, right now in this season, I feel really good and I was out for a walk with a girlfriend of mine on the weekend and she was like Jess, if this is what you want to do and this is what you're feeling called to do, like why are you limiting yourself and limiting what you can do? And I even feel emotional as I think about it, because I just do that so naturally, to have ideas, but sometimes to dim them down or to limit myself and maybe you do this too, and it's really hard to overcome that right.

Speaker 1:

The limits that we have and the blocks that we have and I think in this season, for me they often come from what I thought I could do when I became a mom, or what I thought I could achieve or what mothers can do in general and I'm learning as I push through each of these limits, just how crazy that is right. These standards that society has put on women. They're absolutely insane. Like we can do some really wild things, some really strong things, but we limit ourselves and we keep ourselves small because, well, it's what the world wants and also because it's comfortable. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being comfortable, I'm tired of staying small when I feel this urge to connect women so deeply, and so I wanted to talk to you today about following your heart and following what feels right, even when your head tells you something different.

Speaker 1:

If you have this undeniable pull in some direction again could be to change jobs or, to you know, find the love of your life, or to record a podcast episode while your baby is sleeping on top of you. Whatever it is for you, maybe it's to return to work, you know, earlier than what you had anticipated, or maybe it's to cook tacos for dinner. There's so many like, big or small. There's no limit to what these things are. But if you're feeling this pull to follow something on your heart, the first thing to do is just to start to figure out and play with what that idea is. It doesn't have to be an overcomplicated, massive thing that you're trying to achieve. Let's say it is to.

Speaker 1:

I don't know. I wish that you were here beside me and you could give me an example, a real life example, of what you're going through right now and what you're feeling. So if you want, send me a DM so we can chat about it too. But maybe it's to Coke tacos for dinner. Why is that the easiest one for me to think about? It's probably because it's almost supper time as I'm recording this and I'm getting a little snacky, if you know what I mean. But you feel this pull Okay, you don't even have to think about why or what, or the five W's that we learned in school when you're writing something. I wonder if you can hear these little baby noises. Maybe you can, if you can. Our little guy says hey, hey, what's up? Um, but you don't have to understand why you want it, you don't have to understand the steps you're going to take to get there. All you have to do is figure out what that direction is and how can we move closer to it. How can we take a step? So, like, awake now, wide eyed looking at me, like what are you doing, mom? So like, awake now, wide-eyed looking at me, like what are you doing, mom? What are you doing? But taking steps in that direction.

Speaker 1:

So for me, like planning a 2026 Barbados retreat while I still haven't even completed 2025 yet. So in about a month, we are doing our 2025 retreat and I'm doing it locally because, well, I knew I was going to have a new baby, and I'm doing it at this beautiful spa and I have planned all the details out. I was just chatting with all the girls who are coming, getting all their information for food and dietary restrictions and emergency contacts and all that important stuff. But also it just gets me more and more excited for a weekend with incredible women and this retreat up. A lot of the women who are coming have never come to a retreat before and I'm just really excited for the energy and for the people and for the food and for the fun and a little weekend getaway. Right. But I haven't even completed 2025 yet and I'm already thinking about 2026. Welcome to my brain. That's always what happens I get a little overexcited and I start planning new things.

Speaker 1:

But even through the process of just dabbling in the idea of planning 2026, first step was just to look for villas, look for places um, did I want to do it at a resort? Did I want to do it at a villa again? And and start to feel around does Barbados still feel good? Looking at my options, looking at TripAdvisor and seeing what the tours could be like, just like dabbling in the idea that maybe we could go. And if I'm starting to feel still good about it as we move in those directions, then take the next step. Okay, I haven't booked anything yet, but then I kind of dabbled in sharing it on social media to see if there was interest. Right, does anybody want to go back to Barbados for 2026? Or maybe should we look for a different island and just kind of having fun with it and seeing you know what others were feeling too. And through that process, I'm pretty sure the retreat is essentially already sold out before it is even put out there, because so many people were interested in going back.

Speaker 1:

Right, and one of the things, the key pieces in what I'm trying to follow my heart, is when things are to fall into place really easily. It's that reminder that it's exactly where I'm supposed to be going, it's the direction I'm supposed to be taking. And it can be really hard to trust in that and to believe in that because, again, that head and that heart piece really uncomfortable, really shaky, when my head is saying, jess, you have a new baby, are you insane? And my heart is saying get on that plane and connect with these women and bring them somewhere cool and give them a week to work on themselves and really lean into a season of maybe you can have it all right and you're all look different than what it did a while ago. And then I would keep following these micro steps into finding the things that light you up, the finding the things that your heart, like you know like, grows, like the grinches, more and more and more and you're like, yes, this is it, yes, this is the direction. But when you do this, it can help you to gain more confidence. But if you're like me, it makes you shaky and it makes you question things more and more. And so when I was out on this walk with my girlfriend on the weekend, she's just like Jess, like what? Why aren't you just like doing the things that feel really good for you? Then, like, is it what you want to do? Yeah, then do it.

Speaker 1:

But for some reason, I still have this belief in my head about, well, I'm a mom now. I can't do that, or I don't have time to juggle these couple of things. I'm a mom now, right, because that's what society tells us that moms can't achieve this because they also have their hands full with tiny little humans running around and all of the things that we just put our limits on ourselves. So I really want to know where you're limiting yourself, and I tell you this because I'm doing it too right in the season of navigating motherhood, figuring things out trying to understand what my limits are. I am starting to learn that my limits are what I've been putting on myself. And here's the really cool thing when you start to see that it's you, that you're the reason you have limits, or it's what you've been putting into place, then it's so much easier to break through that and I can say easy in quotation marks, because I've been finding it really hard. It's something that I have to remind myself of over and over again, but the easy part of it is that it's you right. We don't have to wait for society to tell us one thing. We don't have to wait for our partners to give us permission. We don't have to wait for work to give us a day off Like the limit. Is you? Give us a day off like the limit, is you? So where can you allow yourself a bit more space to step into a more powerful version of yourself, a more confident version of yourself? And maybe it takes reminding you over and, over and over again.

Speaker 1:

So I've been reading the let them theory book by Mel Robbins. I was suggested this book when I have been struggling with almost the fear of judgment of others playing in my head over and over and over again. Decisions in business, decisions in life, decisions in motherhood, right that they all I don't know replay in my head sometimes of like, oh, but that person thinks I should do it this way, or I bet this is what they think, even if I don't even know that's what they're thinking. Right, we just automatically go there. Maybe you've been doing this too. This book has been really helpful for that.

Speaker 1:

But Mel talks about sometimes it taking more than one time, right? So the theory is essentially letting people do whatever they want to help release some stress from you. So when there's decisions that you're just like I don't know if they're going to agree with this or I'm holding myself back because of this person it's like let them, let them have their thoughts, let them have their judgments, let them vote the way they want to vote, let them go in whatever way you need to use this. But she talks about having to do it over and over and over again and not just being one time where you're just like, well, let them, and then you can move on to the next thing. It actually takes many times for it to drill into your brain, and I think that's the same thing with some of these things that we're talking about, with following your heart and the shakiness that comes with confidence.

Speaker 1:

We have to remind ourselves over and, over and over again about the things that we want, why we want them and where we're going. Maybe it's a specific affirmation for you that you need to repeat over and over and over again, like I am a badass and I am doing the things that feel right for me. Or it's like I'm an amazing mom and I am following my heart and fueling my body in a way that feels good. Like you can have your affirmation, have the thing that you need to say over and over again. Maybe it's as simple as something like let them, so you can release the judgment of other people, but it could be anything and this is what's going to help to propel you into that direction of what feels good for you. You that is the important piece. It's not what your mother thinks you should be doing or your partner thinks you should be doing, or even, in this case, what your kids think you should be doing. Like it gets to be whatever you want it to be, but you do have to reprogram your brain by repeating it over and over and over again.

Speaker 1:

It's kind of like marketing, where they tell us like it takes what 15 times for someone to see something, for them to want to buy it or for them to feel connected with it. And repetition is the way for you to connect with your people and for you to drill in your brand the same thing with yourself, right, when you look in the mirror and you're like, oh, instead of doing that and maybe that's your initial thought so you go oh, and then you say, actually wait, I really like your outfit today. Actually wait, I really like your eyes today. And you're repeating these things over and over and over again until you look in the mirror and you don't go ugh anymore. You can look at yourself with love and satisfaction and strength, but it takes those reminders over and over again in order to get to that place.

Speaker 1:

So if you have been looking for that reminder to just follow what feels right for you, to follow your heart, again, I have really been testing myself with some of this stuff, even just like as a mom, like, oh well, this real right, oh, social media right, tells me I should be doing it this way, and this one tells me I should be doing it the opposite way, and my friend, ashley always talked about this, where she said you know, one day an apple can be the healthiest thing in the world. And you see on social media and it says, like eat only apples and you'll lose weight, right, and then two weeks later you see apples are gonna, you know, kill you If you don't buy organic. You're gonna die, right, and it can be dramatic like that, but it's the truth where we have these just like changes in the spectrum all the time. So that's why it's so important for you to get really deep with that intuition and keep trusting yourself as you move through the process. And that just reminds me, even as I say, that if you're not into human design or if you don't know what your human design is, there is a piece of it that really teaches you how to use your intuition. And this is something that I incorporate into a lot of my retreats too, just to help you to have more confidence, especially in that place of intuition and that place of following what feels right, because for all of us it's very different right. For some of us it could be a visceral body experience, like a yes or no in our bodies, and for others it can be this like whisper in your ear. For others, it can be using your voice and talking it out.

Speaker 1:

There are so many different avenues when it comes to your intuition, and if you do not know how your intuition talks to you or what it is for you, then how are you going to know to follow what feels right? So if you're listening to this and you're like I have no idea what you're talking about, jess, but I want to know, send me a message and I can look yours up. All you need is your birth time and your birth date and your birth place of birth and I can look it up for you and share with you a little insight into like what your intuition, how it can be speaking to you. But anyways, that's a total side note, but it's just that reminder that sometimes what even your best friend says to you is like this is the way to do it, this is how my intuition talks to me, this is it, this is the like, this is what works best.

Speaker 1:

Yours can be totally different, and that's why it's just so important that we start to listen a little bit more and follow what feels right, and I think all that to say. It's just that we need to be listening to ourselves first, instead of what they're saying on social media, instead of you know what politics are telling us right now first, instead of what they're saying on social media, instead of what politics are telling us right now, instead of what our family is telling us, and trusting that we know best. I know that is the hardest thing to do, because we have been told our whole lives not to trust ourselves that we don't know right. We want this detailed plan to make everything easier, but you know best. It's different for everyone, but you know yourself, you know your family, you know your body. You know everything best. It just takes time to listen. It takes time for you to sit in it a little bit longer. Silence is a great place to start, and maybe you have kids and you're like I don't have any silence, jess, a few minutes before bed. Let there just be some space to not be scrolling on your phone, to not be reading in your book, and just see what you hear or what you feel, and start to trust that a little bit more.

Speaker 1:

And the last thing that I'm going to share with you, too, is this reminder that I had on the weekend when I asked social media like why are you here, why are you following me? Because I've been in this little like confused middle section, especially with the podcast and with life and just being in a transitional season and questioning absolutely everything, right, like, what am I sharing? What do people want to hear? Are people even listening? And I learned that you are listening and I'm so, so grateful for that. I'm so grateful you're here and that you feel safe enough to share your opinions and thoughts with me too. But there was this moment on social media where the messages kept coming in on why you're following me or why you're connecting with me, and the answer was you, like it was me, it was. It wasn't about what I was sharing, it wasn't about a specific thing that I'm teaching, it's just you.

Speaker 1:

And it really took me aback for a second. This reminder of it had nothing to do with all these things that I've been caught up in my head about and has everything to do with my heart. And if that's not the reminder that you need to keep following your heart versus what's in your head, I don't know what is. The world sees your heart. They do not see all of the negative thoughts you have going on, all the chaos happening in your life, the chaotic craziness in your head, the a million tabs open, adhd thoughts going on all the time. They don't see that what they see is your heart, what they see is your love, and I really think that's a great reminder for the season that we're in, where everything's a little unpredictable in the world and in countries and all of the stuff happening Just everything just feels really heavy.

Speaker 1:

But if we could all lean a little bit more into what's in our hearts versus what we feel like we should be doing, I really do think we're going to be taking a direction that feels better for this world. And I think, especially if women start to do this right, if we can lean into our heart and following what feels right more and more and doing the exact opposite of what we've been taught to do, I really think the world is going to change for a incredibly beautiful place. It's going to be so much more beautiful than we ever anticipated. If women start to do this more, the matriarchy is coming Like. I truly do believe that and it comes from us following that feel-good heart over and over, and over and over again until it stops feeling weird and until we have the confidence in it.

Speaker 1:

And if you're listening to this today and you're like, yes, I feel you, jess, the matriarchy is coming and you know I am going to be a part of it, then send me a message Please review this podcast, can you give me a rating? And? And connect with it and just like write me a little something, something there, or even send me a DM on social media, and just be like, yes, I see you, jess. Because I think sometimes we feel crazy in these thoughts all by ourselves. We feel crazy in these recordings, with our fresh babies hanging out with us and just everything feeling so strange and different. It is such a wonderful reminder that we're not alone. When I get a DM or I see you share the episode or rate the episode, it just really means a lot. I just want to say thank you so much for being here, for being a part of this community and for helping me to feel a little less crazy, because whenever I ask you hey, am I crazy or are you feeling this too? I realize that I'm not alone in this and that makes a really big difference.

Speaker 1:

And if you want information on either to get on the wait list for the 2025 retreat of A Space Opens Up, happening here just outside of Halifax on May 23rd to May 25th, or on the upcoming Barbados retreat. That is probably going to be about May 2026. If you want to be some of the first people to know about that, I will put the waitlist information in the show notes for you to hop on that list and get all the details. Because, yeah, I'm feeling energized and excited and part of my head just goes Jess, you're crazy, stop doing these crazy things, because you know the world says you can't when you become a mom. And I'm just going to stick my middle fingers in the air and say you know what? I'm going to do it my way because this is what feels right. Planning this retreat feels right and I just want to bring incredible women together more and more and more and it just I just feel like it's my calling and so what I'm here to do is to connect women with each other. So let's connect, let's bring this forward. I should probably tune this out.

Speaker 1:

This baby's been pretty good. I did have to pause for a Poonami diaper change and bath, but we're back at it and feeling better than ever, so fresh and clean and ready to go for another week ahead. I hope you have a wonderful week and you step into your confidence a little bit more. I love you so much. Talk to you soon. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.

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Jess Clerke

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