Self(ish) Confidence

[269] The Myth of Having It All: Comparison, Social Media and Self-Recognition

• Jess Clerke • Episode 269

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Struggling with constantly comparing yourself to others? You're not alone. In this raw and vulnerable episode, I open up about my own battle with comparison during the postpartum period, and how it's affecting my confidence even as someone who teaches confidence for a living!

This episode is your reminder that you are enough. You're doing amazing things, even if you can't see it right now. Let's trade the comparison trap for self-compassion and recognize that our unique journeys deserve celebration, not criticism.

Ready to break free from comparison? Listen now, and remember - you may not be able to control how others see you, but you can control how you see yourself.

Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or on your social media and tag me @jess.clerke so I can personally thank you for helping spread some confidence + love!

Check out my website at: www.jessclerke.com

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My Personal Account ---> @jess.clerke
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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here and I just had my second cup of coffee to give me that jolt to sit down and record this episode. I've been thinking about this episode and this topic all week, so I'm so glad that I'm finally here to hang out with you and chat things out, but I needed a little extra pick-me-up. I'm not gonna lie. I often say, you know, obviously, oh, our baby is such a great baby and all of the things and things are so smooth, but it's been one of those weeks of like contact naps and you know, needing a little extra love and a little extra food and all of those things and sometimes it can. Yeah, it can be a hot mess over here and I should say more than sometimes and I think what I'm seeing more and more as I just observe other and things like that is, this season can be really difficult. They call it the newborn trenches for a reason and we've had it really good, but it changes every single day and so many people told me this. Like it could be, like you think you have it all figured out and all down pat and you have this perfect bedtime routine or this perfect baby that sleeps through the night or all the things right. Like you have it figured out and then the next day, poof, like everything changes and that's just what we're going through, what we're going through in this season. And I've had so many people remind me like it's okay if not everything is sunshine and rainbows and glitter and your glitter goggles that you have on right. It's okay if it's also really hard. It's okay if you, you know, can't see the good in it. And I will tell you from my perspective yeah, of course there's moments where I'm like, as soon as Glenn comes home, like please take the baby, because I can't do this for another minute. But also I am really enjoying slowing down and being a part of it.

Speaker 1:

I think for the first month and that's kind of where this topic is going into today I really wanted to talk about comparison and for that first month I almost struggled more to be here and to be present in it. I wanted to be everywhere else. I wanted to be at the grocery store and picking up the groceries, or I wanted to be back to my normal self, or I wanted to be everywhere else. I wanted to be at the grocery store and picking up the groceries, or I wanted to be back to my normal self, or I wanted to be into my work or in the sisterhood. I really wanted to be elsewhere, and not necessarily because I wanted to. I think it was really part of that societal pressure on me to be there.

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And also that has been my focus and my growth and where I've put all of my energy for the last three years since we launched this podcast, over three years, and it's so difficult to turn one switch off and to turn on another one in your face and it is right there and you're like, hey, I see you. I know that's where my focus should be and you know how I feel about the shoulds, but also, what about that other thing that I've been working on for so long? What about these people who need me and love me and, you know, have been working with me for so long, like it really is this mental block? And for me it took a whole month almost to switch from one to the other so that I could be present in this season. And you might be like Jess, but you're sitting down, you're recording a podcast episode and I see you working and I see you doing some of these other things. How are you being present if you're also here?

Speaker 1:

And I do think there's a fine balance in this season. There is. If you have the energy and if you want to show up for some of these things, you can make it work in some way. I'm recording this on the weekend, when my husband is home, where I have extra hands, where I'm not stressing and worrying about the baby. I fed the baby, passed him off to my husband and now I can be here and hang out with you for a bit. You can kind of balance some of the two, but there needs to be a want in doing it and not a should in doing it.

Speaker 1:

That's the one thing that I've been really trying to lean into when it comes to the sisterhood, when it comes to some of our weekly calls. I need there to be this want and desire, rather than it be like, oh well, I should be, I should be there. And almost for the first month of this, I really was leaning into that should more, feeling like I had so many people leaning on me that I couldn't just give up on them. Right, and I know there's nobody out there who's sitting there, being like Jess, what about us? No, not even at all. I knew, I know that the pressure is from internal, but now I'm feeling that desire to come back, and a friend of mine said this to me, where I was struggling with this balance, and they said, jess, like if it brings you joy and if it's something that lights you up, then do it.

Speaker 1:

There are a lot of things in this season that can be dark and difficult and we don't always get to find joy, and the fact that you have joy in something is a really great sign and it's something that you should prioritize. And I needed that reminder because I was feeling guilt for being in my work and then I was also feeling guilt for being with my baby, and it's just this juggling act of just like, what am I supposed to be doing? And I've been trying more and more to ask myself in these moments like, what am I supposed to be doing? And I've been trying more and more to ask myself in these moments like what do I want right now? What do I want to do? What would be my top priority? And, of course, there's things that you have to do that you don't want to do, like if there's a blowout or if there's always, like you know, gross things that come with motherhood. You're just like I don't want to deal with that, but you still have to. That's not even like what I mean, but I mean more, especially when it comes to the balance of work and being present with my family. What do I want right now, in this season? What do I want to tackle and I've been thinking about this more and more.

Speaker 1:

When it comes to the comparison that I've noticed, I remember when a friend of mine had her baby at the exact same time as someone else like literally born same day and I watched these two people on social media, two people who I love so dearly watch them on social media live two very different postpartum lives. One was out as soon as the baby was born, felt great, was taking the baby to all these different places, was really energized, was showing this postpartum journey that was filled with so many outings and excitement and energy. And that's just not always the case for everyone. And I knew for this other person, who had a difficult delivery and was trying to create space to heal, was seeing this and was really struggling with the comparison of but they can do that, they can do that with their newborn like why can't I and I remember so vividly thinking about these two people before I had ever even considered having kids. I remember just thinking of these two people and they're two very different journeys.

Speaker 1:

How could you not compare yourself to one or the other right and vice versa, even if you're the one who's out and energized and doing all the things, sometimes you're like but wait, society tells me postpartum is supposed to be really difficult, or that maybe I should be slowing down or you know I should be healing, like it just is so strange the things that you tell yourself. And this goes for everything in life. I don't want this to be just about motherhood and about postpartum. I actually think comparison is a huge issue for so many of us and something that I've been talking to many people in the sisterhood about, who want to slow down or want to rest a bit more. But again, you know, but you also want to do this and you also want to do this.

Speaker 1:

And society is pushing us here and work is demanding us to do all of these things and and we see Sally doing her ultra marathons and working her full-time job and having a side hustle and doing all things and we're just like how, how does she do it all? How come I can't do it all? And one of the things that I've been really learning about this season is I don't want to do it all. That was something I really thought about is I don't want to do it all. That was something I really thought about. And I remember last year, when I finally decided that we were going to step into this season and become parents.

Speaker 1:

I remember being like I can finally have it all and now that I have the baby and I have the business and I have the connections and the friendships and I have an amazing family and all of these pieces right, I can sit here and I can be like I don't want it all, because having it all looks again and I think I talked about this last week the Chinese food buffet that is just like your plate is way too full. There's only so much room on this plate. There's almost so much room in our lives and in our energy and our bodies that when we want it all or when we think we have to have it all, it's just not going to work. We don't have the energy for it all. But what I do want is more aligned action. What I do want is the activities that feel really good, the work that lights me up, the time with my family that feels important and significant, and not necessarily it being about everything having an everything bagel, you know, I think I'm just really hungry all the time now and all of my analogies are going to be about food, but about the like, having an everything bagel, like. It's not about that. It's about having the things that are right and aligned for you.

Speaker 1:

So when we're on social media and we're looking and we scroll through, we're doom scrolling for an hour, actually probably more than that. Right now, in the world that I'm in, it could be so much scrolling, so much screen time. That's a whole other piece. Right, that we get comparison on. But when we're scrolling and we see all these people doing everything right, maybe traveling the world or speaking on stages or doing the things that we want to be doing, it's hard to not get stuck in that trap of comparison Well, how'd they get there? Or oh, they're younger than me and they're doing that. Or oh, they have like five kids and they're tackling so much more than I can with one. And we just get. I get I shouldn't say we.

Speaker 1:

Maybe you're listening to this and you're like Jess, I don't have a problem with this at all. Comparison, not my struggle. Okay, this is all you. But I'll tell you for me, I can get really deep in my head about this and I forget that I have a six week old baby. I forget that I am in a very different season in my life, that you know. Maybe I can't do some of these things right now, and that's hard to admit. I can't do it all. I can't have it all. I can't Right now. In this moment. There's only so much I can do in a three hour window because my baby's going to need to eat again. We are in a very different season than some of these other people that we see online, and this topic came up to me, yeah, Just just earlier this week, when I was talking to two girlfriends of mine who had babies around the exact same time so one's like a few weeks ahead of me, one's a few weeks after me and so we created this chat to lean on each other so that we'd have some people to talk to when things are difficult or when it's the middle of the night and you're up with your baby and you just want to send a message in solidarity and be like hey, what's up?

Speaker 1:

Sisters? And we were talking about some of the things that we even see in each other that we compare ourselves to. Right, you can compare yourself to how someone's you know working out again or moving their body, or how they have a baby that's sleeping through the night and you don't. And it was one thing in particular was about the podcast, and they were like Jess, I don't know how you do it, I see you doing your podcast. Still, I see you showing up on social media, you know, I see you promoting your retreat, like how?

Speaker 1:

And in that moment it brought me back to these couple moms who I remember having two very different postpartum journeys and comparing the them to each other, even from an outside perspective, and I was like I didn't realize that people were comparing themselves to me. I thought I was just over here drowning by myself or, you know, in this mental spiral by myself, you don't always realize that someone is comparing their journey to yours too. And I realized that maybe I don't talk enough about having support and having people around me. One, an amazing partner, glenn's out there with a crying baby. Right now I can hear him and he's not even hesitating to come in here and to interrupt me, to pass me back the baby right, like he is dealing with it and loving on our baby. And I also have an assistant who does a lot of the behind the scenes things, like some of our social media posts and some of our sisterhood things and newsletters. I have support who and people in the sisterhood who are taking over calls and doing things for me and not to mention for me, and I can see this right Because I'm on my side and I'm like guys. Why are you comparing yourself to me? I have support. I have people doing this.

Speaker 1:

You know, planning the retreat, this will be my fifth retreat. It might even be my sixth retreat. I could do some of these in my sleep, right, and I picked a location that would take care of so many things for me that I wouldn't have to think about, right, like food and accommodations and things like that some of our activities already all pre-planned and easy for me to execute, whereas not everybody can see those pieces. And if you start to compare and you're like, oh well, you know she's postpartum, she's doing these things, like I am garbage if I don't even feel like I can wash my hair, right, but in these moments we need to remember that they have things that are difficult for them too. I have a mountain of things right now that feel so difficult that I wish that I could do. I wish that I could execute right now. It's just not the season for it, and that's okay. But not everybody always sees that. They just see how you're showing up.

Speaker 1:

So I want to ask you today who are you comparing yourself to? And when I ask that question, if someone instantly pops up in your head and you're like, oh, it's this person for sure. You know, they just signed up for their 12th marathon this year, or they just started their business, or they're thriving in this area of their life and I just admire that so much. What in that aspect are you comparing to? What is it that they're doing that you wish you could do? And when you look at your Chinese food plate buffet, you could do? And when you look at your Chinese food plate buffet, do you have any room? Is there anything on that plate that you can take off in order to add some of these things that you wish you could? And maybe it's a season right now where you can't have it all. That's okay too, but we need to come to that point where we're okay with it. We need to come to that point where we realize our plate is really freaking full and we don't have room for that one more thing right now, even if it's something we want so badly, we don't have room for it, and either we're okay with it or we take something off our plate, we sacrifice and we bring this new thing in.

Speaker 1:

I have been having to tell myself that every week. You know, I really am struggling sometimes with looking at other people on this journey who are doing things that I wish I could be doing, who are building businesses and having epic success in things, but they're in a different season. They're not in the newborn trenches, they're, you know, they have older kids, or maybe they have no kids at all. And I didn't realize how deeply I could get in this trap, in this mental trap, because I teach this to women all the time. I work with women every single day on this stuff and I'm like I am. I'm strong, my brain, I can do this right. I have the confidence to tackle motherhood, or I have the confidence to tackle whatever's thrown my way. And you get in it and you spiral deep.

Speaker 1:

It's easy for us to tell others that they're magical and they're so wonderful, but when we look in the mirror and we just see our flaws and we just see all the things that we're not doing right, we forget that these people that we're comparing ourselves to also have flaws. They also have a long list of things that, when they look in the mirror, they're having a hard time with too. And I wish so deeply that we could all just be secure in who we are and confident in who we are and move on in our you know, butterfly lives and have this beautiful story, but we're always going to compare ourselves. The grass is always greener, right. We always want more or better. It's part of what society is, and I think social media only makes that worse right now.

Speaker 1:

So this is just your friendly reminder that you can't control what people think of you, how people see you or what they're comparing think of you, how people see you or what they're comparing things in themselves to you. But what you can control is how you see yourself, how you are giving yourself grace, where you're giving yourself a little extra love right now, and I think that if we can lean into that more, instead of always thinking that we're inadequate, that we're not enough, that we're not doing enough, and that we can put a pause on that voice in our head and to see the good for a moment. Okay, well, what am I doing? Where am I showing up? Because there's a good chance you're not doing 0% right now. Even getting out of bed and putting your feet on the ground, that is something. Taking a shower and washing your hair that is something, and sometimes I even think shaving your legs you should get a gold star for that. Okay, because that is some hard work. It is not something that should be taken lightly.

Speaker 1:

The things that you are telling yourself are not enough. Is someone else's comparison to you that you are amazing, that you are the magical rock star that they wish they could be? And if only we could take that mirror and turn on ourselves and see that we're doing enough too, I think it would make a really big difference. That's probably why I love mirror work so much. If you've ever been to one of my retreats or events or anything, I love mirror work.

Speaker 1:

I think being able to see yourself in a new light or even just to notice yourself for one minute can make a really big difference in how you see yourself. And instead of comparing yourself to every other person, you compare yourself to yourself, and there's so much beauty in that because you are doing so many things. If I were to make a list right now of all the things I've done today alone and it's, you know, not even that late in the day you would see oh my gosh, I got so many things done, I am doing so much and I'm a freaking rock star, but for some reason, you know, sally Sue and her ultra marathon gets more credit than the 12 diapers I've already changed today. Or Belinda and her new course she just finished. You know, getting her master's degree or her doctorate is not as good as you know me sitting down and recording this podcast episode.

Speaker 1:

We need to shift how we're seeing ourselves and shift that comparison and control what we can control, which is when we look in the mirror, being a little kinder when we think about what we've done in the day. Instead, a little kinder when we think about what we've done in the day. Instead of comparing ourselves to these other people who've done really cool things. Right, give them some credit and say, hey, congratulations, that's really freaking cool, you're killing it. Love you, sis, but also love myself. I'm doing some really cool things too. Even if it was baking a batch of cookies today and eating the whole thing.

Speaker 1:

Right, doing for you something and giving yourself that credit is going to make a really big difference in this season of comparison, instead of comparing ourselves to other people and telling ourselves that we're not enough, because you are enough and you're doing amazing things. Even if you don't see it, send me a message, I will shout it from the rooftops all of the amazing things that you're doing, because I'm so freaking proud of you for how you've been showing up for how you've been, you know, doing so many things and carrying so many heavy loads, and even if you can't see it, and even if it feels like it's not enough, it is, it is enough. So keep reminding yourself when you look in the mirror until you believe it. I am sending you so much love this week as you step into a season of hopefully less comparison and a little more recognition for your beautiful self. I love you so much and I'll talk to you next week.

Speaker 1:

What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.

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Jess Clerke

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