Self(ish) Confidence

[268] Birth, Postpartum and Navigating New Motherhood

• Jess Clerke • Episode 268

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Six weeks into motherhood, I've discovered something surprising: the hard part wasn't birth day—it's every day that follows. Not because it's terrible (though sometimes it is), but because it demands a complete reinvention of who you are and how you move through the world.

Whether you're a parent or not, maybe you're also in a season where you can't control much. Where being flexible isn't just helpful—it's necessary for survival. If that's you, I hope this episode reminds you that sometimes the most selfish, confident thing we can do is accept that we're exactly where we need to be.

Interested in the upcoming Self(ish) Retreat? Join the waitlist here. 

What would you like me to discuss in upcoming episodes? Drop me a message on Instagram @jessclerke—I've missed our conversations and can't wait to reconnect.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. I want to be like oh, my goodness, it's just here. It feels like forever, but if you've been listening to updates and if you've been listening to the podcast episodes, it probably doesn't feel like forever to you. But I haven't sat down to record an episode, let alone a solo episode, in a while since I had a baby. This is my first time podcasting as a mom. Whoa, what a weird realization. And I have been wanting to sit down and to record this episode for you. Probably since I got home from the hospital. I had been thinking about it and almost every weekend I'm like, oh, I want to go and record that episode. I want to go and do that and it's just time and life and things get in the way right now and priorities have shifted a little bit and we are six weeks postpartum as we get ready to record this and to share with you some details about birth story, life with a baby and all of the things. But it just, yeah, blows my mind that we are six weeks and I had a few podcast episodes banked up for a bit and I was like you know what? Now is the time to sit down to record this. I was like you know what, now is the time to sit down and to record this One. I'm feeling alive. Spring is in the air, energy is feeling really good. Also, glenn's home right now, so it's a great time to sit down and to record because somebody's watching the baby. I did actually try to sit down and do a sisterhood Q&A. If you're in the sisterhood, maybe you saw my video.

Speaker 1:

The baby was just not having it and it was like almost this moment of me realizing that life looks different now and what I could squeeze into, you know, a 15 minute call or a quick podcast episode recording or on the fly when I'm on the go, whatever what I could use to do, I, when I'm on the go, whatever what I could use to do, I can't do the same way. I can't predict when things are going to get interrupted or when I'm going to be able to sit down for however long a podcast episode might be. So I need to plan these things around the times that Glenn is home and yeah, it was almost this like, yeah, huge realization with that Q&A call to be like, okay, things look different now and maybe this isn't the season that I can have everything so perfectly or that I can have it all. And I say that in quotation marks because I do think that we can live a life with all of the pieces that we want. All of the pieces that we want.

Speaker 1:

But right now in this season, as a brand new mom to a six-week-old, maybe I can't do it all, and not even maybe I can't. I can't do it all, I can't. I'm not even cleared to work out or to have sex again or any of these things. Right, that comes, I think, this week. But even with that, it's almost like this is the mark where society wants you to bounce back. Society wants you to step back in. It's like, oh great, you can get your body back and you can do all the things.

Speaker 1:

And I'm working really hard to train my brain to see and to hear things differently, recording this podcast episode. I've said it on my stories before. I think I've even said it on the podcast I'm recording right now in our baby's bedroom he obviously doesn't sleep in here, he's a potato and I still have my podcast corner in the nursery. Essentially, there's no point in moving it. It works perfectly for us right now to do it like this, and Glenn just had to knock on the door to come in and change the diaper. This is just life right now. This is how things are and I think it being adaptable and flexible in this season is the best thing that I can be.

Speaker 1:

But I've had to remind myself and still continue to remind myself of that every single day, even every single hour where I think, oh great, like six weeks, let's start to get on a schedule. There is no schedule. If you're a mom listening to this, you know, and even if you're not a mom, you can understand life with kids or life in general. Getting on a schedule is not always easy to do and it's just not always practical, and right now I'm in a season that is just has to be flexible and has to be adaptable. But that's why I'm so grateful for these few minutes to be able to sit down and hang out with you, and something I've been wanting to do so badly for the last six weeks. But just time, Time doesn't always work in my favor right now, and that's okay. That's okay.

Speaker 1:

I'm really really trying to lean into the season that it's not going to be perfect, it's going to be messy, it's going to be all over the place, and that's okay for life. Right now, maybe you're in a season like that too, where you just have, like no control over a lot of things. I think the unprecedented world that we're in right now there's so many things that we just don't have control over. It's a great time to be flexible, it's a great time to be adaptable and to just lean into what we can control and what we can like, release what we can't. And so right now we're in a season of releasing what we can't.

Speaker 1:

That being said, although life kind of looks a little strange right now, we are still gearing up for the selfish retreat coming up in the spring. It is may 23rd to to 25th. It is currently sold out. There are no spots left. We just sold the last spot this week, but I wanted to let you know. I'm going to put the wait list in the comments.

Speaker 1:

If anything opens up and you're like I've been wanting to go to one of your retreats, but you know timing and I don't always like to plan a year ahead, all of those things, I'm going to put the information down below because then you'll be the first people to know when and if a spot opens up. Really. So sometimes things change Again, unpredictable lives, right, and if you're like, oh, I've been thinking about it but I don't know if I can commit, just get on the wait list and you'll be the first one to know if something pops up or if something opens up. There also might be some flexibility to open some things up. Where we are doing it at a resort that has different accommodations, we might be able to open something up. So just get on the wait list. If you're interested at all, send me a message so that we can connect and chat about it and we can see if there's any flexibility in getting you there, because I'm so excited for this retreat.

Speaker 1:

It's doing something I've never done before, doing it at a space that hosts a lot of these things for us. So we'll have a chef, we'll have a delicious restaurant on site, we're going to have the spa on site all of the things that we need that normally I like bring into retreat houses. They're all going to be there. This location is just top-notch on the ocean, just incredible space, close to Peggy's Cove, if you're familiar with the area, and I'm just really excited to do something extra special for you and also to do something a little different. I'm kind of mimicking the way that we did things in Barbados doing an international retreat, doing it like how I'd had a week-long retreat, but doing it for a weekend, in a way that helps to boost your confidence and gives you that time to relax and to sit with yourself and to really just enjoy a weekend away, because we don't always get that time and I'm just so excited for this weekend. So I'll put all the information in the show notes for you If you're like that sounds really fun. I don't know if I can commit, but I want to get on the wait list just in case. Please do the information's there so you can snag that and without further ado.

Speaker 1:

I guess it's a good time to start talking about the last six weeks and my birth story, which I wanted to record this really early on, because they say you often forget. You forget what happens in that room and I kind of laughed at that a little, even though I could understand how you could. But I was like, oh well, maybe if I write it down or maybe if I can like take some notes or do this podcast episode as early as possible, I won't forget. But now we're six weeks out and like there's a reason you forget. Ok, it's not the most enjoyable process being in that room, or even just the whole scenario and now looking back on mom's telling me like that's the easy part. And you'd like laugh because I think society puts so much pressure on birth that it's like, oh, that's the hardest part, oh, my gosh, birth sucks so bad. Right, but really there's so many key points after that Like that's one day, maybe 24 hours. There's so many key points after that Like that's one day, maybe 24 hours, 48 hours for some people, like it's just one moment, one blip in the whole process of what being a mother and what life is like. And I remember too my friend Ashley, who I went to her birth class and I'm signing up for her birth class and she said to me Jess, sure, important to understand birth and what's going to happen in that room, because I think there's so many fears around that, but you should join my feeding class because that's where you're going to learn so much more. And I'm so glad I did both classes because it really made a big impact in me feeling confident, stepping into motherhood a bit more. And it was that realization that, yeah, birth's one day. And now that I've gone through it I can say that it's like it's just one day, whereas after that we've had six weeks of trying to figure things out like feeding and sleeping and put diapers on and all of those stuff that you can learn in some of these classes. But we don't always think about those pieces because the emphasis in society is how bad birth is going to be, and for us I feel like we had a pretty traditional birth story.

Speaker 1:

My water broke at three in the morning. Glenn had just gotten home from hockey. Sometimes he plays really late games and I think his game was like 11 o'clock, so he had only really gotten home, like maybe 1230. And I went to the bathroom just like I normally do in the middle of the night, especially when you're pregnant, right, and it just seemed different and I got a pad because that's what they tell you to do just to see if they can, like, once you get to the hospital, test it or see if water's still coming out. And Glenn was like, are you okay? And I said I think my water broke. And he's like, okay, well, let's go to the hospital then.

Speaker 1:

So we went to the hospital knowing full well I wasn't having contractions, I was not in labor, they were probably going to send us home and they did. And this allowed me like enough time, once getting home, to even just understand, like, okay, we're gonna have a baby, probably in the next 24 hours. What are the things that we want and need to do last minute in order to feel, you know, prepared, going into this, so like even just wrapping up some work or calling whoever we needed to call, or just like so many of those little things that even like just getting the dishes done right, these little things, that it's just like I'm going to feel so much better coming home knowing these things are done, so let's just get them done. Labor's going to start at some point and within 12 hours my contractions had started. They started to get pretty intense and right after dinner I was like we got to go to the hospital and we went as two centimeters dilated and they said go walk the stairs and then we'll get ready to admit you.

Speaker 1:

Go walk the stairs for two hours and thankfully this was like not in the high point of the day, like the busiest time of the day. This was when I'm like seven o'clock at night and I was like, okay, let's go, we just walk the stairs in my absolute worst. And I did. And I walked him for about an hour and a half to the point where I was like Glenn, I can't do this anymore, like I often had to stop for a snack or to go for a pee or just to go and sit in the car for a minute and just be like can I just sit down for a second where people are not looking at me like a crazy person in labor walking up and down the stairs of this parkade, and it was probably that was the worst of it. I hated one doing it publicly and two just like obviously you're not feeling great and the one thing they tell you to do is to go walk the stairs. And anybody listening to this you're like why would they tell you to do the stairs?

Speaker 1:

It helps if your pelvis moves. It can help to contract things a bit more, it can help to dilate you a bit more. It just helps to move things along. And every time I saw a nurse, they would say, oh my gosh, his head's right there. And I was like, okay, cool. Not cool because super uncomfortable, but cool because that means it's just going to take a couple of pushes and he's going to come right out. Every time I saw a nurse who checked me, they'd be like his head's right there. And I'm like, thank you Great.

Speaker 1:

They were like you're really ready to go, other than the fact that you're just not completely dilated, and I was like cool, so I got in the tub for a bit because that's supposed to help with the pain, and the nurse was like you know what? Like with his head right there, let's just admit you, we're gonna send you up. We could start pitocin, we could start to get things moving and you could be like in labor really, really quickly and I was like cool, let's do it. I'm down, I don't want to be out here walking the stairs anymore or sitting in this bathtub. I want to get this moving and get going. And so we moved upstairs and thankfully I was able to get my epidural so that it could help pain control. I just didn't want to start Pitocin without that.

Speaker 1:

And thankfully we were able to progress enough to get it and through that process, slowly and actually quite quickly, like it felt slow in some moments. But once I relaxed and we put our music on this is middle of the night at this point and just kind of was like closed our eyes to get some rest before we pushed I really progressed quickly. They told us it would be about a centimeter an hour, so I'd probably be seven hours before I was ready to push. So get ready for a long day. But my doctor's like I'll see you in the morning, cool. And I was like okay, see you in the morning, have a great night.

Speaker 1:

And I actually went from a three to a 10 within a couple hours and in that process I was able to catch a little bit of rest thanks to the epidural. And then, once we started pushing thankfully I rested before that because I pushed for three and a half hours. Once we got to about that three hour mark, they were like, um, we might need to look into some options. And I said, excuse me, everyone told me his head's right there. Everyone told me that, like I was ready to go and I can be delusional. We all know that, right, I'm an optimist. I see things with glitter goggles on, and even in birth I was seeing things with glitter goggles on right, especially once I got the epidural. I was like, sweet, I can do this, this is fine. And even three and a half hours into pushing I still had like high spirits, like I still felt pretty decent, like I it was.

Speaker 1:

It wasn't the worst, I think, because I had rested beforehand, but also my contractions were really far apart and so it gave me some time to rest in between. It wasn't until they started to progress things with some oxytocin, with some pitocin, and to just like move things along, that things started to get to the point that I was like, okay, they closer together, maybe this baby's gonna come out. But his big head did not want to and I was like, okay, well, I don't know, do I just keep pushing, like the doctor was like we're gonna have to talk about some alternative measures. I don't think you need to do a c-section, but we do need to talk about potentially having to use the vacuum or having to use forceps. And I just remember one of my very good friends saying to me Jess, you do not want those forceps. Like that is the worst.

Speaker 1:

So when they come in here and they say those things again, I think this is why it's so important to not always put your fears or to put your pieces of maybe bad experiences or what you've heard into other people, especially to new parents. Because in my head, all I could think about was my very good friend of mine who said it in, like just in passing, like never even really thought anything of it, but saying like, hey, you do not want that, and then that having to be the measure that I had to take, like that having to be the way that I needed to go, it was really scary. Like that was probably the only moment and even now I can think about it and be a bit emotional about it. That was like a moment of real fear, right, because I don't know anything about what's going on. I don't even know what forceps look like Honestly, I don't even really still know what they look like. Glenn just calls them the big spoons. When they pulled out the spoons and thinking about it now, I'm like Like it was just one of those outer bottom moments where you're exhausted.

Speaker 1:

You've been pushing for so long and then all of a sudden, the thing that you've been told you probably wouldn't want is the only option that's going to get out your baby. And again his head was right there and they just kept reassuring me like it's not going to take that much to get him out. He just needs a little bit of help and they can tell you that. But I remember laying there just being so anxious, even with an amazing medical team around me, like seriously amazing team. We had multiple doctors. Uh, at that point the NICU team was in there too, just in case. Extra nurses, all of the things. Like it was like support on steroids, like there were so many people who wanted to support and help us the nurses, like we had multiple nurses. It was just such an incredible team at the IWK Like wow, just absolutely incredible.

Speaker 1:

But still really, really scary. And for first time, moms, and honestly, for so many of us, we have no idea what's going on in that room. So it is scary. Like, even if they were to bring in like the easiest thing in the world, I'd still probably be nervous and apprehensive about it, because you're just like I have no idea what to expect here. And so, regardless of the doctor and me being reassured by so many people that this was the best doctor, like this was her thing, she loved using the forceps and she was so incredible at it, like, still, if you were going to come at me with some something right, it can still be scary with a knife and you're like this is the world-class knife person. They juggle with knives all the time I'd still be nervous if you started juggling with knives around me. Okay, so essentially that's how it felt.

Speaker 1:

And, oh man, even now thinking about it, I just remember my doctor saying and whispering in my ear like Jess, you got to stop moaning, like that's not helping the pushing, because for that last hour and I'm telling you up until this last hour, birth was pretty decent. You know, I had my epidural. Things were going really smoothly. Yes, I pushed for a really long time but I felt like I could do it and everything was okay. It was just this last hour, and even Glenn says this too he will not come on and talk about this because I think he's still traumatized by that last hour, but that last hour and even it could have been 15 minutes, right, it felt like forever was just really painful, really uncomfortable, and of course, there's so many people in the room literally how many people had come in and checked my hoo-ha like so many, because we were at this point that we needed a little extra support and so up until that moment it was a really overall great experience and, even with that, not that bad.

Speaker 1:

I say that now. I think this is one of those moments and I made fun of my very good friend, geneva. She said this like oh, it was totally fine. And then you ask her husband and he's like it was not totally fine, like pregnancy sucked, birth sucked, all the things, and you just forget it. And I think that's why I wanted to sit down and record this podcast episode. If there's questions and more details on things that you want, I'm happy to them to you. I'm happy to try to, you know, jog my memory bank or even ask Glenn for things on some of this stuff, because I would like to share whatever I can to to help you more with this process.

Speaker 1:

If you're a new mom and you're listening to this, you're pregnant right now. You're like I would like to know what happens in that room, or I would like to know more about your experience on this. Please ask me like. I'm truly an open book and I want that to be the case when it comes to motherhood, when it comes to my journey in so many different ways.

Speaker 1:

But, honestly, you do forget, like I'm telling you I'm only six weeks postpartum and you tend to forget some of these pieces and I think your body does that one to cover up the trauma that you experienced whether it wasn't that bad in the room, or even you think right now it wasn't that bad but also so that you do it again. They want you to do it again. Who's they? I don't know Spirits, god, your partner, I don't know but they want you to do it again so they just erase your memory. It's like the wizards of Waverly Place, like putting on a spell, or like Harry Potter, and they're like putting on a spell on you so that you forget things, so that you do it again. And I truly do think that's the case, because even right now I could sit here and be like it wasn't that bad, like sure it was over 24 hours and sure it was. You know, I can remember laying on that bed, moaning in pain because my epidural did run out in the end and that wasn't the most fun experience of my life, but that last piece was really quick and I can say that now that it's over and I'm healed from it and, you know, not wearing diapers anymore and all those things, but in the moment I should have recorded the podcast episode then and then probably you'd never have a baby if I did that. That's a reason why you don't podcast in your birthing room.

Speaker 1:

But I remember asking Glenn because I just could not open my eyes. So they do golden hour, where you get an hour and your baby like just lays on your skin, and I remember not being able to open my eyes. I remember not being able to open my eyes, physically not being able to open my eyes, because, well, one they were stitching me back up and I was just in so much pain that I was just like you know what I'm just gonna lay here with my eyes closed and process what the heck just happened, and you know the nurses and everyone's coming like oh, wow, like he's such a sweet baby or he's so beautiful, or uh, he didn't cry like at all, like I think he cried when he came out and then he got placed on my chest and he was silent. He just laid there with me for like an hour and even now thinking about that makes me emotional too, because he's such a great baby. He's such a great baby, but I could not open my eyes and I remember them saying something about like my placenta or saying something about other things in the room and I was like Glenn take pictures, because I can't open my eyes. I want to see it. I know in a couple hours from now, when I'm feeling better and I've eaten something, I'm going to want to see this, but right now I don't want to open my eyes. I do not even. I can't even picture like how many people were in the room because my eyes were closed for so long the whole hour. I just lay there with my eyes closed and and Glenn took some pictures. But he says now he's like Jesse, you weren't, you weren't looking that great. I don't think he wanted the pictures of you, but he did take like pictures of my placenta. He took pictures of like the room and things like that because I wanted to see it. But I was just in this moment of like absolute dread that I just laid there for the whole golden hour with my eyes closed, with him on my chest and looking back. It was such a magical moment, but during again, not so much, not so much I was so grateful though again not so much, not so much. I was so grateful though because many of you know this, I've talked about this before I was sick.

Speaker 1:

My entire pregnancy, from basically week six, when your placenta is developed to the absolute bitter end I was puking in the delivery room, like that is where we're at. It was horrible to be sick that entire time, but as soon as he was out and the placenta was out, I felt like a million bucks. It was the first time I ate chicken in nine months. We went up to the room and I ordered a stir fry chicken stir fry and I didn't even realize until I was sitting down and I was eating it that, one, I wasn't nauseous and, two, I was eating chicken. It blew my mind how great I felt after he came out because I had been sick for so long and even after just a couple of days of being in the hospital, I started to realize how bad I had been feeling my entire pregnancy. Again, when you're in it, you don't always see it or you forget.

Speaker 1:

And I've talked about how sick I was, how nauseous I've been for the whole pregnancy, but I don't think I realized how depressed I was for my entire pregnancy. And even looking back to speak up and doing my event, I was pretty numb for the entire event. I remember people asking me like oh, how are? Like, are you looking forward to it? What's going on? Oh my gosh, like I can't believe we're here. This is such a big deal. And I was just totally numb because I was so nauseous and so sick and so depressed for my entire pregnancy that as soon as the baby came out and I felt like myself again, even to sit down and to record this podcast episode, I don't think I felt this energized to record an episode in a really long time, and maybe you noticed it in my episodes too. Maybe you could notice that I was feeling a little off it. Just it was a really difficult season. Growing a human is really hard, birthing a human is really hard and at this point now, keeping a human alive with my body is also really hard. Birthing a human is really hard and at this point now, keeping a human alive with my body is also really hard.

Speaker 1:

But I am going to tell you this if you have ever considered kids or you've been scared or all the things, I have felt my best in this entire process postpartum and I think a lot of people also put some negative context on postpartum and don't get me wrong, it's not easy. I'm not going to sit here and be like it's the easiest thing in the world. You get no sleep but you feel great adrenaline all the way. No, it's not like that, but I do feel better than I felt in a really long time now. Even in that first week like I felt better than I have felt. I felt like I could run a marathon. I wasn't gonna because I knew that was silly and even now I feel like I could move my body.

Speaker 1:

But I also am like Jess, like give yourself time, give your body time. Just because you feel ready doesn't mean your body is so. Give yourself like enough time to heal. And again, those are some of the affirmations that I've been having to tell myself things that I've been having to talk to myself about because I feel like a crazy person. But you think you can do things, but also recognize all the things that your body is doing right now and this can go again to birth, but also anything in your life Like we think and put this pressure on ourselves to do more when in reality you're doing enough. You are doing so much going to work. You know, maybe you do have kids and you're chasing them around, even if you think in your mind and in your body that you can do something, second guess it Like logically, can I add this to my plate right now? And I am thinking right now logically my body is not healed yet. I am really depleted of nutrients, depleted of energy. You know you're not getting as much sleep, all of the things.

Speaker 1:

But for some reason, this six week mark when society tells you like hey, it's time to bounce back, it's time to start. Hey, it's time to bounce back, it's time to start working it again, it's time to start doing all these things. It's just I'm really trying to convince myself that I don't have to bounce back right now, I don't have to go right back into my routines that I was doing before. I really can sit and take things slow, and that's probably been one of the hardest things that I've had to teach myself is that the old me isn't here anymore. She did Like the old me is not here and me trying to go back to that is just impossible. It's never going to happen.

Speaker 1:

So how can I move forward? Treat myself with love and respect right now, the way I would my best friend and really give myself that guidance into feeling my best and fueling my body best with food, with, sure, with some movement, but it not being having to go back to some intense, intense workouts or even like to sign up for a marathon, like who's going to do that? People do. Sometimes my brain goes there. I say people, I am the people. My brain goes there. I'm like, oh, yeah, let's run a half marathon. Like who's going to do that? People do. Sometimes my brain goes there. I say people, I am the people. My brain goes there. I'm like, oh yeah, let's run a half marathon. No, I don't want to do that, but your brain does crazy things, and so it really is a constant reminder of like okay, jess, check yourself. What can you do today. What do you want to do today? Is it just walk the dog? Is it just sit outside and get some sunlight? Like really focus on the small things, and maybe that's where you are in your life too.

Speaker 1:

You have a full plate. I remember talking to one of my clients about the chinese food buffet plate and just be like hey, you, you're at the chinese food buffet and your plate is so full. You have your, your work chicken fried rice and you have your kids chicken chow mein and you have, you know, the chicken balls over here and that's your extracurriculars and your things you want to do. And then you have like, like this chick I just don't know why, that's what I'm picturing and you go up to the buffet and just want to add a little bit more, like maybe Shanghai noodles or some beef and broccoli, but you don't have any room on your plate for these things and you probably also don't have any room in your stomach for some of these things. And like, you want to so badly add these things to your plate, but in order to do that, you're gonna have to get rid of something else or minimize something else or, you know, sacrifice something in order to do this and right now I think I'm using that workout schedule that I used to have and some of the things I used to love to do. I'm sacrificing some of that to be able to focus on my family, and that's just the season that I'm in and that's okay too.

Speaker 1:

But I would love to answer absolutely any questions that you have. I'll put a little question sticker on my stories. If you're not following me on Instagram, go check it out at jessclerk on Instagram and I'll make a little spot where you can ask any questions and I can do a podcast episode. I honestly feel like this one's, like I don't even know what people would want to know or what you'd want to hear, but I know people love to hear these stories. They want to know what happened in the room and again, although some of it is blurry, I think if you ask me a specific question I could probably get pretty clear on it. Or ask Glenn, I'd be like, hey, what happened in there?

Speaker 1:

The other thing is, these last six weeks, these last six weeks have been I don't know. I don't even know how to explain it because I never wanted kids. You know that I never wanted this until I did right. Obviously, I changed my mind and we did decide to go with this process, but I never really pictured my life with a child. But I can tell you this I always felt like I was supposed to have something in my arms. Oh man, I'm going to feel emotional thinking about this now too. Like I've always felt this feeling of a hug and I used to tell myself like it was this feeling of like hugging my younger self or you know, wanting to hold something so special or you know, just wanting to be hugged.

Speaker 1:

And now that he's here, our, our little, our little baby boy was born. I should even tell you the details. Right, he was seven pounds, uh, 15 ounces, so just shy of eight pounds. January 28th at 8 30 in the morning, and he, he, he just fits so perfectly. And I still say to Glenn all the time, like I can't believe we have a baby. Like do you, can you? Like can you understand that this is ours? Like you can't just leave home and leave your baby at home, like you would your dog. Like it's a totally different ball game, but it just feels so beautiful and you catch yourself just looking at him. He's a wonderful little guy. He sleeps relatively decent, he eats great. He's a pretty, pretty nice newborn baby, is all I gotta say. Sure, he gets fussy what baby doesn't? I get fussy too, but he's just a really, really wonderful baby. But I can't believe I have a baby. I can't believe I'm a mom. I don't know if I will believe I'm a mom until I hear someone say like, hey, mom, which is going to be a while. So I don't really know what what that is.

Speaker 1:

But the process postpartum, glenn and I have figured out some things that work really well for us. We're actually sleeping in separate bedrooms right now, which is so strange. I miss him so much at nighttime is so strange. I miss him so much at nighttime. But there was one night that the baby was sleeping in the bassinet so quietly and so well, and my husband was snoring and I wanted to take a pillow and put it over his face and I didn't Okay, he's alive, he's well, he's great. But it was that moment of just like utter frustration that I would just start going to the couch in the evenings and it just wasn't working. So now we're sleeping in separate bedrooms for a little bit, probably until we get out of this newborn phase where he's waking up every three hours.

Speaker 1:

So Glenn stays up late so I can get some sleep and then I do the rest of the evening and it's working really well, like I honestly feel again better than I did pregnant I'm getting a decent amount of sleep Again. I should say that in quotations, it depends on who you ask, but I don't think it's honestly that bad. But again, I think I have a really good baby. He's pretty wonderful. He does wake up like every three hours and sometimes he can be awake for a long time. But because I get that decent sleep, like like I've been, I'm strict at going to bed like 8, 30, 9 o'clock at the latest and Glenn stays up longer, so at least I can get like some deep sleep before he comes down and I start to, you know, go back into mom mode. But because of that I'm able to be energized enough to get some sleep throughout the evening. If I needed to, I probably could take a nap during the day.

Speaker 1:

But I just feel like this process of having a good team, getting a little extra sleep, sleeping in separate bedrooms right now it's working for us and this newborn phase, and maybe it's because I've been told by so many people. It goes so quickly and you think it's the worst, but it's really not. Cherish it. I'm really trying to cherish it. I'm really trying to just remember that this is a short season and I probably sound like a crazy person, but it's just a lot of time for you to think and to readjust what your thoughts are and to really try to focus on the good here, and that's what I've been doing. Again, my glitter goggles are on. I'm absolutely delulu, but it also is a really beautiful season Navigating life now as a family of three. And he's just so sweet, like he's just so sweet. And you might be wondering, jess, why aren't you sharing his name with us? And I'll tell you for me. We've talked about this a lot and this might change right. Again, I'm figuring things out as I go.

Speaker 1:

We just don't feel that safe yet with teaching him stranger danger, especially as he grows, with sharing his name on the internet. If I share his face is one thing, or share you know things about his life, that's one thing. Sharing his name, what if a stranger comes up to him and is like, hey, bobby, his name's not Bobby, obviously. Hey, bobby, come with me, I got candy. And he'd be like oh, you know my name and you got candy, let's go. I would probably be like, yeah, let's go. But how can I explain to him that these strangers don't know him? And this has happened to Glenn in stores too, where people are like oh hi, glenn, and he's just like I don't know who you are.

Speaker 1:

For me, teaching a child stranger danger in the world of the internet, this is what feels the safest to me, so I've been trying to think of some cool internet nicknames so he can have a nickname that people would be like oh, I call you Bobby, and he knows, if someone calls him Bobby, that maybe they don't really know. I'm trying to figure out Stranger Danger, and maybe you can have some tips on this too, if you're like Jess, this is how I navigated it, where this is what I've been thinking. I honestly have no idea what's the right thing to do, and again, it could change in a year from now. Everything on how I feel about this could totally change, but for right now it feels like the safest thing for me. It feels like keeping his name off of public places like my social media is my way of keeping him safe right now, and so that's what I'm figuring out, figuring it all out as we go. But, yes, that's kind of why we're not sharing his real name. But if you've got a cool nickname that you've been thinking you're like, oh, this would be a good one. I was thinking Beans, but all you can think about, and all I can think about, I should say, is the weird kid from Even Stevens. His name was Beans, so I still kind of like it.

Speaker 1:

But anyways, I don't really have anything else to share. I probably do. I could probably sit on this mic for hours because I have just been missing you. So, so, so, so much. But you're not going to want to listen to an hour long episode of me just rambling by myself with my brain things Until then.

Speaker 1:

I will make another episode for you next week, but if you have specific questions or things you're like, let's talk about this. Jess, send me a message, me a dm on instagram, because I want to be able to talk about the things that you want to talk about here too. And I'm slowly starting to rebrand this podcast. Um, it's still selfish confidence, it's still all about, you know, unconventional life paths and you know, having your confidence in these seasons. But I do want to make a new intro. I made a new podcast, so we're just like slowly dabbling our creative juices into a little bit of a rebrand, but nothing like crazy. It's not going to become a mom podcast. We're here to still talk about confidence and I'm pretty excited about that. So I hope that you were having a wonderful day and a wonderful week, and that's pretty much all I got. I'll talk to you soon.

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Jess Clerke

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