Self(ish) Confidence
Your confidence is your superpower… but what if you don’t have any? It can be hard to show up as your authentic self. When we go out, or even scrolling on the couch, it's easy to get trapped in the comparison game, making it even harder to be beautifully you. Self(ish) Confidence is about finding your confidence, shining your light and taking action toward your unconventional life. Every week, we'll chat through barriers that could hold you back. Follow along with me, Jess Clerke, as we learn to find our confidence together and begin to share our magic with the world.
Self(ish) Confidence
The secret is finally out 🎉 From child-free to expecting!
What happens when you change a life decision you've been publicly committed to for nearly a decade? I am 18 weeks pregnant after nine years of being proudly child-free by choice. Join me on this vulnerable and transformative journey as I navigate the emotional highs and lows of this significant life change. From feeling a disconnect at the Empower Her Conference to the liberating realization that it’s okay to embrace new beginnings, this episode is packed with heartfelt reflections and inspiring stories.
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Speak Up! happening October 5th + 6th in Halifax, Nova Scotia!
Tune in and be inspired to pursue your dreams, no matter how unconventional they may seem.
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Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and do I have an episode for you Today?
Speaker 1:I've been keeping a secret for a really long time, like probably almost a year Actually. Yeah, and I am already feeling really emotional and I knew this episode would be like it'd be harder for me. It's going to be harder for me, not even like for any bad reasons, it's just sometimes I can have a really hard time talking about the more like deep and personal things that I've been thinking about lately. It takes me back, actually, to episode one, the energy I'm feeling right now. It takes me back to that vulnerable energy of episode one, where you finally come out and you tell the world what's been going on in your life that you have not been sharing for a long time. And that's what I feel like I'm doing today. It's not even what I feel like I'm doing, it's essentially what I'm doing. And if you haven't seen the social media post yet, I had just posted because I literally had to like five, four, three, two, one and put it out there, to want to put it out there because it can be really scary to change your mind and to do things differently and to be really vulnerable with the world. And maybe you can understand and you can relate to that. Actually, probably, if you're listening to this, you can whether you're still hiding behind a closed door and you know something that the rest of the world doesn't, or you've opened the door and you've shared it with a few of your safe people, or maybe you've gone out there and you did the thing, you shared it with the world. And maybe you're still pooping your pants, like I am, because I am feeling that. I'm feeling that I literally just hit post on a post sharing the news that I am pregnant, I am having a baby, a real one, a real life human baby, and I think what's so vulnerable for me about that? It's normally something that's so excited and celebrated.
Speaker 1:It is for us too, but it can be kind of scary because for a really long time, especially in this community and on this podcast, I have shared my truth of being child-free by choice. Glenn and I were child-free for nine years of our marriage by choice. We said we were never going to do this. We were public about sharing that. We were never going to do this, to the point where our families just stopped asking questions. They're like Jess and Glenn aren't going to do this. That's their choice to each their own. And then, all of a sudden, we're like JK haha, got you Like the ultimate punked experience. Like where's Ashton Kutcher? Is he going to come out right now? Cause, am I getting punked? I think that's what both of our families felt like and I'm just going to back it up a little bit for you because I want this episode to share with you some of the things that I have been going through through this transition, and maybe you've even noticed that my energy has been different or that you know there's been some sporadic chaos in this podcast lately of like episodes coming out late or um, they're just being changing of days and things that have been like just evolving with this podcast lately and maybe you notice it, maybe like what's going on with Jess, or maybe you notice nothing at all, and I love that. I love that. But it's been a really strange and chaotic year through this process, and I say year because essentially last year at this time, and maybe for some of you who are listening right now, it's how we connected and it's how we met.
Speaker 1:I spoke on stage at the Empower Her Conference in Denver, colorado, in front of 800 women and I stood up there and I was like we are child free by choice, and I wanted to be an example for people who, anyone who maybe was feeling a little left out in this world, of so many people becoming parents, right, and for so long I felt really left out of that community by choice, right. We didn't want to be a part of it and I remember getting on that stage and sharing that and people coming up to me after the event and being like you know what? Like I've had these thoughts too. It's so nice to have someone to talk to about this. I'm so thankful that you're so open about it. I literally have things sitting beside me that you're so open about it. I literally have things sitting beside me Like I keep certain kind of like tokens and mementos beside where I record these, to think of people, to remember people, and there's a couple of things here that people gave me at that event to just connect with me on.
Speaker 1:And I remember walking away from that event and I was like something doesn't feel right, something I don't know. There's just something about the statement that just wasn't sitting the way that I thought it would and I didn't know how to even like handle that or even how to bring it up to Glenn at this point. Tmi. But know, we're all about TMI. It depends on who's listening. There might be some people listening in right now who don't normally listen in and they're like wait what?
Speaker 1:But Glenn was ready and booked for his vasectomy so that we could continue this choice that we had with less worries and things like we were. Just, we were ready, we were ready. I actually have a picture. We did a photo shoot last summer and we did it with Polly at the beach, and I have this one picture of Glenn like holding the dog up in the air like a baby and it was going to be my post post vasectomy to be like like our baby forever or whatever, like our baby of choice, child, free over here. And it's just so interesting to think a year ago how set essentially I was, how set we both were in this choice and this decision, and to make a total 360 and to do it so differently. It still blows my mind. It's something that I'm still processing and still thinking about often, and I think all the emotions that come up with this are because we're still processing it.
Speaker 1:And so after that event, I went to see someone who I do spiritual healing with frequently and she's like Jess. I just want to let you know I know you don't want to hear this, I've told you for years, but there's a baby here and they're pretty adamant on just me sharing this information with you. Okay, just letting you know, and I know this is super weird and you don't want to hear it, but I just I have to. I have to tell you. And it was because Glenn's vasectomy was booked in a couple of days after that appointment and there was a sense of urgency. There was more of this like oh, maybe we should think about this, right, I'm starting to feel like maybe this isn't the right choice for us to make something pretty permanent, and of course, you're going to come back and be like it's reversible for some people, yeah it. And we, I was just like, okay, let's just put a pin in it, let's put a pause in it, let's reschedule and give it some time to think.
Speaker 1:And I cried for a long time. I cried and mourned the life that I had pictured, the life that I had envisioned. Speak up, coming up. I mourned, you know, thinking about how that was going to look, and it was going to obviously look different if I was going to be pregnant, right. And so I had to just spend some time shedding some of those layers and we've talked about that on this podcast a few times now because I've been in this season of change, I've been like, you know, kind of hinting to it a little bit, but I don't think anyone has really grasped onto what that change is. And so now, as I sit here and I'm like, yeah, well, the changes, we are changing our whole dynamic, we're changing our family, we're changing our lifestyle, everything's kind of changing over here and it's been a roller coaster to figure this out, have to mourn this prior version, this version of the life that I was envisioning for our future, to look at something different, even as an option, right, and so I've been a person who's always put a lot of thought into this, into like, just planning things out.
Speaker 1:We never took the decision of not having kids lightly. It was something that we had talked about for years. It was something that we had always kept rechecking in on and re re-evaluating and saying, hey, are we still on the same page here and having that open communication with my partner? So when I came home one day and I was like honey, I don't, I don't know, I don't know, but something might be changing. How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1:Was like like this big, like crazy moment where we were so sure on one path that I really had to put my new thoughts and be very vulnerable, put my new thoughts out there and to share, even with just my partner, that something was changing and, to be honest, totally fully transparent. I know we would be happy either way, right, had we stayed on the life path of not having kids 100% would have been totally happy and totally fine. I envisioned a life for us and we were very happy on that path. And then there's this new path of adding a new addition to our family that I really just started to picture too. I started to ask myself questions about why I didn't want it. Why was I so afraid? Why did I have this like whole, like visceral feeling?
Speaker 1:Because when someone would say like hey, I'm having a baby, I'd be like ew, like I had this like disgusted connection with the idea of a baby, of birth of a family, of the dirty diapers of the future, of the no sleep, of all the things that everybody tells you about, all the negative things that everybody tells you about about these babies. I'd always, I'd just instantly be like ew, no-transcript. It just slowly started to shift as I visualized what life could look like with it and deciding to have a more open door policy to both life choices, instead of being so closed on one, getting a vasectomy and choosing to like never, ever do it to. Okay, both doors are open, both doors are in front of us. Let's see how we feel about both.
Speaker 1:And I just slowly, over months of time, like this has been, I'm telling you a year in the making, and not just meaning like trying for maybe no, this has just been a year of me even navigating this choice, and I used to always say, speaking of choices, I used to always say, like you know, god, just make it an accident, make me not have to make this choice. But over the last six months, I've been so grateful to have the choice to go one way or the other that it literally got to be for us whatever we decided. And having these two open doors in front of us was like, okay, let's just sit here for a while with both doors open. And we sat there for months with both doors open, having a little conversation here and a little chit chat there. What do you think? Oh, wow, like next Christmas we could have a baby, or life could look really different.
Speaker 1:And like just slowly starting to bring the idea of both lifestyles. Because there's one thing when your door is closed and you're not allowing anything to come in and out, there's also a negative energy to that. Right, there's also this like I don't know, know, there's a negative energy to it when the door is totally closed and you are just like heck, no. And again, we all have our choices, but when we allow there to be space for ideas, space for things to go in a different direction. Magic can happen, literal magic can happen, and I just wanted there to just be space. It wasn't one way or the other, it was just space for a while, and I slowly started to get more examples of women in my life who were doing this life, who were doing this big life of planning events and who were making podcasts and courses and living how I was living, but with a baby, and doing it really successfully with a baby. I just started to have more and more examples of these women in my life. I was like, okay, well, they can do it.
Speaker 1:Because the thing that I realized was the fear that I had there was that I couldn't have it all. I could not have both. I couldn't have the successful business and I could not have a baby. I'd have to give one or the other up. And where we are, three years into this business, three years into this podcast. There was no way I was giving this up. This is something that I have wanted for so long to see speak up, my first large in-person event, motivational event, coming to life. I was like there's no way I'm giving this up now and I started to just like play with the idea of what life could look like with both.
Speaker 1:And I went to go speak at my very good friend Crystal's event in California in February my very good friend Crystal's event in California in February and she was there with her three-month old son and as I watched her host this event with her partner close by and her baby around, and you know people in the room talking about motherhood and talking about their businesses and life with babies and big dreams, and also multiple speakers at this event who were mothers and big dreamers and doing things that I didn't think you could do when you had a kid and that might sound really close-minded of me. But again, I had this visual in my head that I could not have both right. I had to give one up and for me the easiest one to give up was the one that I had never birthed yet. Right, I had already birthed a business and I've been working on this for so long. The baby was easy for me to give up, but going to this event I had some emotions. If you were there and you saw me, you're like what's wrong with that girl? It hit me hard that I wanted something different. So empower her, sharing that I was child-free by choice.
Speaker 1:Getting on that stage in front of all of those people and really starting to share my message that, I thought, was my truth and learning something didn't feel right about it. So I opened the doors and then, when I went to this next event, I could see the possibility like I know that I was at this event for a reason to see Crystal there hosting her Galentine's event with her three month old baby and building the business that I see of her as so successful and so beautiful in both spaces as business and as a mother. I was like whoa. I really think that I needed to see that, and since then I've been given more and more examples of wonderful women in my life who I respect and love so much, who are doing so many different things, and that not even being, you know, parenting or motherhood in general. If you're listening to this, this podcast is not going to become a mother podcast. You know that I'm just not that vibe. I'm not that kind of girl, but I can see things differently. And now I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I'm almost halfway.
Speaker 1:I've been keeping this secret beyond you know what most people do because I wanted to tell so many people in person. I wanted to tell the sisterhood before sharing it on the podcast, and I wanted to tell our families and I wanted to tell all of our friends in person so I could see their faces and see their reactions, because, again, we said we'd never do this and it's been really fun to share the news with people and to get to experience it in person, because it's just something. There's just something about it, about the joy that it brings and the energy that it brings and the magic that it brings. And something that I've been so afraid of is people being like oh, another one bites the dust. Or like, oh, here, another one bites the dust. Or like, oh, here goes another one. Or I used to feel so connected to you and now I don't. And I know there are going to be some people who feel that way, and if that's you, I totally understand. I've been there too. I get it.
Speaker 1:But there's also been so much love and support and connection, and one thing that keeps coming up is people reminding me like, hey, it's okay to change your mind, and I'm so grateful to have an example like you who's changing your mind in a really big way and doing it publicly, because it wouldn't happen any other way. Right, we got to do it publicly. That's how we do life, and so keeping this secret for the last long, long time was really difficult, because I wanted you to be involved. I've always wanted you to be involved, but I also needed to process some of this myself, process the idea of doing it, and then like actually doing it and being pregnant, which has sucked, I will just tell you okay, I'm not a person who's going to glorify anything it has sucked. It's been really hard.
Speaker 1:Pregnancy, especially the first trimester, was really rough. If you were like where's Jess and why isn't she on social media for weeks at a time, it's because I was barfing, barfing a lot and really tired and really uncomfortable, and it was a lot harder than I expected. And it gave me a whole new respect for women as a whole, whether you've had a baby or not. It's wild what this journey is and what we can do, and it's just a whole new respect of women can literally do. Anything like this is so cool, and so navigating this journey through all of that has just been whole new level, and I think what's really cool about this journey, too, is that you really can change your mind about anything like anytime.
Speaker 1:Anyway, you can change your mind like I don't know why we got so stuck in our ways of, like graduate university, get the job, stay in the job, stay there till you die. Like I know it comes from generations before us, but like there is an anxiety that comes with changing your mind. Right, the fear of judgment, the fear of like anyone around you saying something, or just that I told you so. Energy, right, those people who are like I told you so, I knew you'd change your mind. It is not, it is not easy to change your mind and just change your mind on something so big, even when you're surrounded and supported by so much love. There's also that energy of, oh, I knew they'd change your mind, or oh, you know all the things, right.
Speaker 1:And I just want to tell you, if you're sitting at home and you're listening to this, or you're in your car and you're driving, or you're walking the dog and there's been something on your heart that you have wanted to do differently, but the version of you who was walking the dog, who's driving the car, who's sitting at home listening to this, the version of you right now, does not look like that version that you see right, that version that you wish you could be, or that person on the internet that you see living their life out loud so well, and you're just like, if only I could have that confidence, if only I could do it that way. Or if only you know the world wouldn't make fun of me, or my small town wouldn't make fun of me for wanting to do things differently. Go out on a limb, start real small. I've been doing small changes all year to get me to this point, to do something really big and to be able to finally share it. I'm not gonna lie to you, I vomited in my mouth a little bit when I posted today that we changed our mind and posted it to the world not just to our friends and our family, who we know we're going to love and support us posting it to the world, who I know is going to have opinions, who I know is going to have questions, who I know is going to say I told you so.
Speaker 1:There's going to be at least one person. But here's the thing this is your life. This is your life. This is your life and you only get one. You only get one chance to live it your way. And if we are letting the small town mindsets and that person from high school and you know our grandmother's sister's aunt dictate how we live because we are afraid to change our mind in front of people, we're afraid to look like beginners, we're afraid to just show up as our truest self, then there's no point, like there is no point if we're forever going to be closeted with these closed doors and we're never going to be able to feel like ourselves. It's just not going to feel right for a really long time, probably your whole life. And that's the moment when you get to your deathbed and you have your long list of regrets.
Speaker 1:I wish I would have done this. I wish I would have changed my mind and had the baby. I wish I would have, you know, told that person I loved them. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish. And it's too late, and when you think about that, your deathbed's coming. Sorry, it's truth. You don't know if it's tomorrow. You don't know if it's 10 years from now. You don't know if it's 20, 50. You don't know, but it could be tomorrow, it could be 10 years from now, it could be 50 years from now. Right, it could be. So what if you were to do something differently? What if you were to actually step out of your comfort zone and share with the world that really scary thing and I know we've talked about this in a few of these episodes about seasons of change finding those safe people. Start with those safe people, because that's what we did as we started to change our mind.
Speaker 1:I had this discussion with people who I deemed as safe on this topic, who might be neutral for us, like I didn't want to talk to people who were, oh my gosh, pro. Glenn and Jess have a baby, please do it. That'd be amazing, right? Or Glenn and Jess don't do it. That'd be amazing, right? Or Glenn and Jess don't do it. That is like the silliest thing you could ever do. I needed to find those neutral people in the middle who I could have this discussion with and then be okay with either direction that we chose to Then being open to both doors, because I needed to be able to talk it out with people who have kids, with people who don't, and feel safe in that environment to do so.
Speaker 1:And that's nothing against like if you're listening to this and you're like wait, why didn't you tell me that you were thinking about having a baby. It's not because I don't think you're safe Okay, that's not it at all but I needed to just find a few neutral people to have this conversation with, one of them being my husband, because he's involved in this decision too, another one being, you know, the girls at the retreat. I finally opened up to them and was like, hey, by the way, after this retreat we're going to try for a baby. And it was probably the first time that I was so sure that we were going to do it no pun intended, that we were going to do it, no pun intended, that we were going to do it. And the love that I got at that retreat and the support and the energy was just next level. No one there and of course, it's a selfish confidence retreat. Let's be real. These women are next level and they're incredible in so many ways. So I didn't really think there'd be any hate, but there was still that underlying fear of changing my mind, where some of these people knew me for the choices and respected me for the choices that we had Right. So it was a. It was a new adventure.
Speaker 1:So I would say find those safe people and share it with them first, and that doesn't necessarily mean it's your mom or your BFF. It could be totally different people. It could be a stranger on the internet, it could be me, right, it could be anyone that you just feel like they're neutral and safe. Start there, because I had to build up to this opportunity today to sit on the mic and to share this with you and to hit that post button on social media and to tell our families that we had to build up to this, because it can be really, really scary. And so if you're going through that, you're going through a season of change, you're changing your mind, but you're not quite ready to take the big leap and hit post. Find someone safe. Send me a message. I'd be happy to connect with you on it, because I know I'm living it right now. It's really scary, and so if you have any questions about this, I'm happy to answer them. I thought this podcast episode would answer a lot more questions, but I think you might be just left with more, more questions.
Speaker 1:That being said, speak Up is happening still. October 5th and 6th. I will be midway pregnant not even that far along, okay and it's going to be the best time ever, your girl can still party with a belly. Okay, and I am just so excited for this event. We are going to have our sunset cruise the night before for our VIP night, because I want you to be able to come and make friends at this event, and I find having the VIP the night before gives you that opportunity to really connect with people, to really just be like, oh, like you had a good vibe, can I sit with you tomorrow, like hey, where are you sitting? Let me grab a spot and like really meet amazing women before you even get into that room.
Speaker 1:Going into these personal development events are scary, okay, I know, I've done so many of them now and I am scared every single time. I'm scared when I go with people, I'm scared when I go alone. It is a journey, okay. So I want you to be able to make friends before the event. So sign up for the VIP night. You're really going to want to be there.
Speaker 1:And then we have our full day event on the 6th, from about 9.30 to 5-ish. We have an amazing speaker lineup. The women who are sharing their stories are massive, influential people in my life, people who've made an impact on who I am and on this journey and I know they are going to make an impact on you Like hands down. I picked these people for a reason. They have a special meaning to me and I know they're going to really rock your world with what they have to say. So it's going to be epic. I will put all the information for you in the show notes.
Speaker 1:So if you haven't had your ticket yet and you're like I really want to go, I really want to go and now I want to go even more because I want to see your pregnant belly, then grab your ticket. Grab your ticket. You're going to want to be there. I am so excited. We are a little almost 30 days away, which blows my mind, but it's been such a beautiful journey to create this event and to bring it to life. For you to be there and to experience it is going to be a whole new thing.
Speaker 1:Welcome to my new chapter of being pregnant, of starting a family, of doing something I said I'd never do. Like truth be told, I said I'd never do it and I am. I'm going to do something different. So it's okay to change your mind. It's okay to do something different and it's okay to do the things that you said you never would something different, and it's okay to do the things that you said you never would Screw societal standards that tell us that we can't.
Speaker 1:I love you so much and if you have questions, send them my way. Connect with me on Instagram, send me a DM at jessclerk you can also send me an email at jess, at jessclerkcom, and I'm happy to connect with you and share with you anything you want to know about this journey and also about Speak Up. So I hope you have an awesome week and I'll talk to you soon. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.
