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Self(ish) Confidence
Your confidence is your superpower… but what if you don’t have any? It can be hard to show up as your authentic self. When we go out, or even scrolling on the couch, it's easy to get trapped in the comparison game, making it even harder to be beautifully you. Self(ish) Confidence is about finding your confidence, shining your light and taking action toward your unconventional life. Every week, we'll chat through barriers that could hold you back. Follow along with me, Jess Clerke, as we learn to find our confidence together and begin to share our magic with the world.
Self(ish) Confidence
[INTERVIEW] Turning trials into triumphs w/ Alexis Doss on resilience, ADHD superpowers, and authentic living
Can failure be the stepping stone to your greatest success? In today's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast, we sit down with Alexis Doss, the tough love coach, whose journey from aspiring teacher to life and business coach is nothing short of inspiring. Alexis opens up about her struggles, from an abusive relationship and homelessness to overcoming eating disorders and managing polycystic ovarian syndrome. Her resilience and determination led her to a path of self-care and helping others achieve their fitness, nutrition, and life goals. Alexis's story is a testament to the power of turning adversity into purpose and growth.
We also uncover the hidden strengths of neurodivergent minds, particularly focusing on ADHD. Alexis shares her personal experiences with ADHD and OCD, shedding light on how understanding these patterns can transform them into superpowers. We dive into practical tips for managing ADHD symptoms and discuss how embracing a neurodivergent perspective can lead to more effective business strategies. The conversation challenges conventional wisdom, highlighting the importance of creating habits and structures that align with our unique cognitive styles.
Finally, we explore the themes of change, authenticity, and living in the present moment. Alexis talks about the societal pressures that make changing our minds difficult and emphasizes the need for seeking peace and authenticity in our lives. We touch on the power of affirmations and a positive mindset, sharing personal anecdotes that illustrate the profound impact of staying present and grounded. This episode is a heartfelt reminder that embracing who we are, with all our struggles and strengths, is the key to unlocking our true potential. Tune in for an episode full of wisdom, resilience, and the magic of self-discovery.
Connect with Alexis:
IG: @thetoughlovecoach
Website: www.alexisrm.com
Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or on your social media and tag me @jess.clerke so I can personally thank you for helping spread some confidence + love!
Check out my website at: www.jessclerke.com
If you're on instagram, come say hi!! 👋👋
My Personal Account ---> @jess.clerke
The Podcast Account ---> @selfishconfidence
Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and today is a fun day. I know I say that every time, but what's really special about this guest that I have today? It's someone that I have watched grow and have been a part of their life for like a while now. Like this isn't just someone who's like hey, I met you on IG. Like come on over. Like I actually have seen some really beautiful transformation. So I have Alexis Doss here. What's up, girl? Hi?
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I'm so excited to be here. You're so precious and you look cute. By the way, I love your jacket.
Speaker 1:Thanks, thanks. I went out for a coffee date this morning, so I had to like put clothes on, so look like a normal human, so that's why I'm still looking like a normal human for you today.
Speaker 2:I love it.
Speaker 1:Thanks. Can you tell everyone who's listening just a little bit about you, like what's your background and how you got started as the tough love coach?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, my gosh, there's so many different angles I could really start with. But to kind of make a long story short, Um, and I was talking to somebody about this the other day and they like didn't believe me. But I went to school to be a high school history teacher and so I thought I was going to do that, and then, four months before I graduated, I was like, oh my God, this is not at all what I want to do, Like I don't know if I can handle these kids all the time, and so I had like this quarter life crisis. I started dating this guy, um, like across the the uh, United States, and like he came and met like my family and my friends and all my family and friends were like this guy's not it. And I was like, yes, he is, but that was like a whole separate thing, and so he kind of it ended up being abusive relationship. But I moved with him from the East coast of the West coast, moved to LA. We were going to be actors and actresses, it was going to be this whole great thing and, um, all the things that he said existed didn't like the house we were going to move in all of that stuff, and so I ended up being homeless, sleeping out of my car.
Speaker 2:I was struggling with eating disorders. I got diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome in 2013. And all of that was kind of the catalyst that honestly got me to where I am now, because I never really like cared for myself. You know, I I wouldn't say I hated myself, but I definitely struggled a lot with like self-love and then a lot of different things like that. And so, um, when that happened with my health, with getting that like diagnosis, that's when I first started to like take care of myself. And I started with food and I started posting on Instagram back when everybody was posting like pictures of their food all the time and that's like all Instagram was, and then with like weird filters that made it look like not food, and so I was sharing that. And then I started to get more into like fitness. And then I got my certification in I think it was like 2013, 2014, um, from IIN was, which is the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, because I started to feel good and I was like I want to help other people feel like how I feel, and so, um, I did that. And then I got into Beachbody Network Marketing and like kind of did a bunch of different things throughout that whole time period.
Speaker 2:But from then until now and when I started, I had no business background, like no clue what I was doing, and I just I just knew I wanted to help other people because I felt good. And so as I started to like evolve, I just started asking different questions and realizing that I didn't want to just like tell people, hey, do this workout, hey, eat this way. I really wanted to figure out, well, why is it hard for you to do it in the first place? Why is there so much resistance? Why are you binge eating?
Speaker 2:And so when I kind of gotten into that, why it led me more into like life coaching. So I was always doing network marketing, but the life coaching was still going on in the background as well. So I was doing like a little bit of both the whole time and then, once I got really good at building my businesses, I was like, oh, I could help entrepreneurs do this. So then I got more into like business coaching and I still consider myself a life coach that helps with business, not a business coach that helps with life, because I do both, but I definitely always am going to lean heavier on like habits, routines, mindset structure, things like that, and so that's kind of like led me to this point.
Speaker 2:I think the tough love coach definitely self-proclaimed, but uh, I think that piece really came from uh, playing volleyball my whole life, I always was more drawn to like the kind of in your face, tough love type of coaches. Like a lot of my male coaches, I had a few female coaches that were like that too, but I just always gravitated towards that. And um, that's like and I say this with my podcast is I want to redefine what tough love means. I don't feel I don't. Tough love doesn't have to be like yelling at people and telling them everything they have to do. It's just like successful people have honest conversations with themselves, and so it's helping people have those honest conversations with themselves and holding them accountable to take action and all the things they know they need to do but they're just not doing.
Speaker 1:Essentially, A hundred percent. So many people listening right now. They're like, yeah, I know, okay, I know, alexis, all the things I'm supposed to be doing, but it's so beautiful to see where you came from and like knowing your background and knowing your story, where you know, coming from an abusive relationship, being homeless, to having a successful business and being where you are now, and someone who's put so much time and energy and effort into themselves, it's just like so beautiful to see this light come through. I'm going to get emotional to think about it, just because it's the. It's just, it's a lot of time and effort. Like people, I think they only see the finished product and they don't see the years of dedication to self-development that got you here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and like even you saying that, like obviously I, I know that and it's like a big piece of my story. But it is crazy to think, especially just talking to you, knowing like you do know me, for you have known me for so long it is crazy to think like it's been a while Like I started my journey I mean, I was always doing little things, but like I really started around that time when I got diagnosed, which was February of 2013. So that's been more than 11 years that that happened and there's been so many things that that has happened since then and it's it is. It's a lot of work, a lot of ups and downs, a lot of failures, a lot of mistakes, a lot of successes, a lot of things but it's a lot.
Speaker 1:That's over a decade of things, yeah, so people listening, who are watching and seeing the finished product, remember 12 years, 11 years behind.
Speaker 1:It's been a lot of effort, a lot of growth, a lot of energy and a lot of unconventional life paths that you've been on.
Speaker 1:You've kind of gone on this beautiful rollercoaster and maybe sometimes it doesn't look beautiful A little bit of one of those like wooden rollercoasters. You know the ones that like shake you silly and like make you want to vomit, like it can feel like that. So like how did you get over this fear and judgment of others to step into this, to follow your heart, to live this life you've truly always wanted and even like, maybe if it doesn't look how you thought it would like, how did you get to where you are with, like you know, some people who are like rolling their eyes and saying like don't get on that roller coaster, you're gonna die up there yeah, I think I think the biggest thing and this is like what I started recently is the, a new TikTok and and a new YouTube channel, and they're both called the failure diaries and essentially, on the Tik TOK, I'm sharing like one failure every day for a year and then I'm going to continue doing it, but that's like what I'm going to do for the first year.
Speaker 2:So we're like we're about to today's day, 50 actually, which is crazy, um. And then my YouTube channel is similar, but it's kind of like story times and um, uh, like things I'm doing currently or things I'm trying for the first time just to kind of, uh, desensitize people from failure. And so the reason I bring that up is because I think one benefit, like as a coach, typically what you help other people with is going to be the things that you struggled with. You struggle with it, you figure your shit out in some way, and it's never perfect, right, but we're like a few steps ahead of the people that we're helping and then you know we, we help them do that. But one thing that I feel like not that I I wouldn't say I never struggled with, but I was lucky that growing up, my mom very much instilled in me the idea of like it's okay to fail, like you know, fail forward, like you know you're, you're not going to be the best, and so I don't feel like I was ever super afraid of failure Like, of course, you know, nobody wants to fail, necessarily. No one wants to have other people see you fail and then judge you. But I feel like I did have a good kind of just upbringing in the sense of like it's okay to make mistakes, and so I feel like that definitely helped me in this process. But with that, a lot of it was also a lot of failures, like the.
Speaker 2:My one of my favorite quotes is the. The master has failed more times than the student has ever even tried, and it's and I say this, this is like a tough love piece is so many people who aren't successful and I don't say that in a mean way, but they're not where they want to be just yet. What they're doing is trying so hard to avoid failure that they don't even take any action. But the successful people, the people that they probably look up to entrepreneurs, whoever, actresses, athletes they've all failed so many times and that's the reason why they are where they are. So the only reason I think I'm where I am is because I have just failed forward and I've been okay with that and I haven't always wanted to. It's definitely sucked. I cry a lot.
Speaker 2:I'm a very sensitive and emotional person and so I think it's just failing and being okay with it and working on if you feel like you can't do that, working on why you can't, and definitely, definitely, definitely having support and accountability with that process, whether that is a mentor or friends or like a group, a mastermind, like it doesn't have to be something that you pay for necessarily, but like it's so important to not do things on your own.
Speaker 2:I work with a lot of people with ADHD, and ADHD people love to like be a loner and like only like do things like I got to figure it out on my own, or if it's not, or it's not good enough, and so like I feel like I've always even though I can tend to be a loner from the very beginning and that's why I think, like with network marketing I did well with was because I liked the community aspect and I liked connecting people and I liked all of that, and I think that's so important when you're going to fail forward, cause, if you can fail forward, but you know other people are doing it too, they're supporting you through the process. It just makes, it like so much easier to fail, you know.
Speaker 1:A hundred percent. Like I think, especially with our background in it, it was less scary because we were doing it together, right? And you're just like, hey, I'm going to do this, so like you might as well try it too. And you're like, okay, guess so, but like you felt less silly about it too, I think is the big thing, and like that fear of failure is huge. I think that's the number one reason why most people don't start, and especially something like a podcast or a YouTube channel or TikTok. Like it's this fear that is behind it and I love that your mother instilled in you from a young age like, hey, you're going to fail, so let's just do it anyway. Fail forward, keep moving, and I 100% believe that's gotten you to where you are today because you're right, yeah, failure has been a really cool thing to see. Is there one thing in particular that you can think of right now that you're like African, failed at?
Speaker 2:that and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything I've ever done I don't think there's anything that I have like started, even if I have success with it now nothing I've ever done has just been like smooth sailing the whole time. Like I was thinking about this too and I you could look at it as like a super Debbie downer, but like I just recently got a divorce Um, I, I asked for it in January and like we went through the whole process. It was finalized in November, but to me it feels like it was January, so it feels like it's been over a year, even though the divorce wasn't finalized until November.
Speaker 1:January of last year, by the way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, january of last year and then it was finalized November of last year. Um, so it feels like a while, but if you think about it, every relationship I've been in has failed. I've been in, I've I'm like very much a relationship person, but all my relationships have failed, still haven't had the successful one. I mean the successful one's the one that lasts forever. So I guess everybody at the end of the day, is always going to fail at their relationships. But like everything I've done in business, like when I first started network marketing I the first year I didn't have any business background and so I failed at realizing I had to save money for taxes and then was like paying taxes for a while and then I did network marketing and it was really successful with it and then decided to leave and that was really difficult.
Speaker 2:Like for so many reasons it was such a so much a part of my identity I was terrified of like the people in the organization like just fucking hating me and not understanding it and like it was never about them and, at the end of the day, like you always have to do what's best for you. But that doesn't mean that like people can't have their own perceptions of that, but like I had to make that choice. And so like every and like even in my business now, like there's been some like years and I've been doing what I've been doing now the whole time. This is just more at the forefront but like there's been years where like I'm like I'm making bank, and then other years where, like you see everybody else and I'll always be vulnerable and talk about things you always see everybody else with. Like every year I make more money and I make more money, I make more money. I haven't had that. Most of the time I am moving in that direction, but there's been years where, like one year I made more and one year I made less and everybody's always like, oh, my income is always at a trajectory and of course that's like the goal, but that's not everybody's outcome and that's okay and that's normal, like, even if you look at product-based businesses that you probably buy from, they have years where, like, they're lower than than others. So it's like there.
Speaker 2:I don't think there's anything in particular that I could say was like, oh, I failed at that. I would say everything as a whole, everything I've ever tried and I consider myself a pretty successful person everything from my health to my relationships, to my business, to how I treat myself, how I treat my friends, like being a good friend, being a good partner. I've failed at all of it and I have succeeded at all of it. But the only reason I am succeeding in the areas that I am is because I failed, and I teach this to my clients as failure.
Speaker 2:You can really teach yourself that failure is just data and that's all it is. It's like you can almost get excited when you fail, cause it's like Ooh, okay, now I know. Now I know what doesn't work. That leaves me less things to figure out what. What does work Right, because now I know, okay, these things don't work. Now I can shift this, so I just like you can feel sad about when something doesn't work out, but then it's just like I feel like I'm so good at things now because I failed a lot, like a lot yeah definitely Right and I think again it's that fear piece.
Speaker 1:I, when you even say to like oh, I failed at every relationship that I've had and I'm like you know what, but like your, like recent relationship, you were in it for a really long time Like, is that really a failure?
Speaker 1:Like there are good things that came from it. And like the optimistic standpoint, like I'm on the outside being like, but like, really was it a failure? Like society might say so. Like might say divorce equals failure, but like there are really beautiful things that you learned in that too. That I think it's like it's not always the case. Or when, like businesses close right, everybody's outside society is like, oh, it's a failure. And it's like, but like is it? Like that's what got you here? You're right. So it's like I guess we can label it as failure. And and that is what you're teaching people Like I'm always like the optimist on the outside and I'm like, but that was really good effort. Like you did pretty great over there. Like what are the things you did?
Speaker 2:Like you actually got married.
Speaker 1:That's actually scary too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, and it's crazy that it's easier to get married than it is to get a divorce. Like, literally, just like you just sign a paper and you're married, but to get a divorce you got to like go through a whole process. It's insane. You got to wait like two months and all this stuff, or 90 days, something like that. But yeah, and that's like the thing it's like sometimes I forget when I'm talking about it because I've so wired myself to see failed, like the word failure is not a bad thing, that I'll just call things failure, because other people look at failure as like, oh my gosh, it's like it's that it equates like a bad thing. I'm just like no, everything I have failed at, but I don't mean it as like it was a bad thing. I mean like it just didn't work out and I got data from it. You know what I mean. So, like I totally agree with what you're saying, that it's it wasn't necessarily a failure and I wouldn't regret it.
Speaker 2:Like I'm very much like a no, no, regrets person, because like even to think like I love, I love my ex but like we probably shouldn't have gotten married, um, like we probably should have, like maybe, I don't know we didn't. It's not like we didn't talk about it, but, like you know, we only were married for 18 months and, uh, we were together for nine years but if we hadn't gotten married I would have never been moved to Colorado, I would never be where I'm at now. Some of the friends I have, like I met this one girl, tori, who is like a really close friend to me now never would have met her. And so, and like some of the opportunities that I've had in the things that I've done and not that, like you know, I'm just using using my ex to like get to Colorado, but like he's also like in a different place now and so none of those things would have happened had we not gotten married, moved for all the places that we did.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. So we probably wouldn't have my dog, ned Like. So I'm definitely no regrets person. It just like didn't work out and it's just like. Another one of my favorite quotes is obstacles are just detours in the right direction. So that's like really how I see failure. It's just like okay, thanks for the reroute. Rejection is just redirection.
Speaker 1:So oh, I love that. Yeah, it's just like a perspective shift to like seeing all of the things that came from it and just like watching who you are now versus who you were when I first met you. What was probably like five or six years ago is just like, yeah, I love watching you fail, like bring it on.
Speaker 2:Hell yeah, keep watching. You're going to see more of it. It's not going to stop.
Speaker 1:I know it's an inspiration for a lot of people, though, to see someone be vulnerable and to share failure diaries, like to share that they're failing, because not a lot of people do it. I really wanted to chat with you today about life with ADHD is something that I used to think that I had. I got tested and she's like, girl, you got anxiety and I was like, oh, cool, cool, cool, cool so. But I there's so many people who I work with and so many people who I know, especially now, are getting newly diagnosed or starting to feel this like well, maybe maybe I have that too, you know, or maybe it is, maybe you're like me and it's just really bad anxiety, you know, whatever. Do you have any advice for the women who are listening who maybe have recently gone on this path, on how they can start a business or even organize their life? Or, like, what would you say to that person in the beginning stages of being diagnosed?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I definitely get a lot of DMs from people who get that first diagnosis or especially people who are like get a late diagnosis and they're like over the age of like 40 and 50 and they're like what? But I feel like it really helps people feel seen, because once you get diagnosed, it's like when I got diagnosed with OCD and then I looked back at my whole life and I was like, oh, I've had this my whole life and then I realized the way I was as a kid was not how everybody thought. I was like, oh, when you were a kid and you like bumped your elbow walking out of a door, you didn't have to turn around and bump your other elbow in the exact same way, or else you thought like someone was going to die. I'm like not everybody felt that way and I would tell my friends they were like no, and I was like, oh, okay, so I had OCD my whole life. So I think when you get the diagnosis is like one, just like recognizing that, like look back at your past and see if you can connect some dots, because it can just make you feel a little less crazy or like misunderstood. Right, when you can do that and I have a podcast episode that I recommend everyone listen to. I can even send it to you if you want to put it in the show. Like my biggest piece of advice and this is what the whole episode is about is about becoming a student of your ADHD.
Speaker 2:A lot of times, people will, either because there might be people listening that feel this way where they are afraid to get a diagnosis, because they feel a lot of times that if they get the diagnosis, they are going to use it as a crutch, or it's like I don't want to like have that, because then I'm just going to like lean on, you know, oh, it's just my ADHD, and I'm like that Cause. Then I'm just going to like lean on, you know, oh, it's just my ADHD, and I'm like that doesn't have to be the case, because and this is where I call them out on it a little bit If you do that, then you're looking at ADHD is all a bad thing and ADHD is a superpower. We definitely have some things that we struggle with, like focus and memory and procrastination and and and and things like that. But we if, if you can become a student of your ADHD and become friends with it essentially and you know how to like hyper fixate in a positive way and be in more control of it as best you can. You're going to be able to be more productive and get things done better than the average person any day.
Speaker 2:I'll put money on a person with ADHD any day when it comes to someone who's like got more of a handle on it, and so it's kind of like if you thought you had diabetes and you were like, oh, I don't want to get a diagnosis because I don't want to use it as a crutch, like, no, you got to learn about how do I handle diabetes? What foods do I need to eat? What do I need to do? Same thing with ADHD, because ADHD is not just like, oh, I have ADHD and then that's it. It's like you want to make sure, because we typically everybody loves dopamine um, everybody loves dopamine, obviously, but people with ADHD, we crave it even more, we chase it even more, and so we tend to have an addiction to sugar and and and addiction to things in general, and we can be impulsive.
Speaker 2:And so, knowing that, like you want to cut back on your sugar, not not have any, but like you don't want to be like constantly eating sugar all the time, because then you're going to mess with your dopamine levels. It's going to make it harder for you to focus If you're not moving your body correctly, if you're not taking the right supplements, if you're not getting the right sleep. So all the things that, like anybody needs to do but there's just some things that you can pay attention to that are going to help your ADHD, because it's not just being like, oh, I procrastinate and I can't focus, like there's so many other things, and one of my favorite books I highly recommend this to everyone with ADHD is ADHD 2.0. Even if you're somebody who's listening and you don't have ADHD, but someone you love has ADHD, I highly recommend listening to it because I've known, I've had ADHD for a while. I've read about ADHD, but that book like opened some parts and I was like I didn't even know that was like a thing, and so I think that my biggest piece of advice is just understanding yourself and knowing that ADHD is not just like this blanket statement of I can't pay attention or I'm hyperactive, like.
Speaker 2:Even in the book he talks about how attention deficit disorder it shouldn't be what it's called, because people with ADHD do not have an attention deficit. We actually have too much attention, but we don't know how to control it. We have a Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes, and so when you're able to control that Ferrari and have a better understanding of it, you're going to be able to use it as a superpower instead of something that, like, gets in the way. Your brain is not broken, it's just different, and it is. Your life is definitely going to be a little bit more difficult than the average person, but you either have two choices. You have a choice to figure it out become a student of that ADHD. Learn how to show up in business and this is like what I do in my coaching, especially with my entrepreneurs is I teach people how to run their business based off how their brain works.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of neurotypical advice out there, which is fine. People who are neurotypical don't have to like I'm not one of those people. That's like you need to understand how to work with neurodivergent people, that's fine. That's what people like me are there for. But like there's a lot of neurotypical advice out there, that's like you need to plan out your content for the next three months and have it color coded in this and that Absolutely not. Someone with ADHD hates too much structure. That makes me feel so caged in. And so if you work with a coach that tells you to do that and you're wondering why you can't focus or why it's not working, it's not that the it's not that you're broken, it's that the system that you have isn't working. And so if you can figure out how to set up your day, your habit, your structure, how you do business, how how you communicate with your partner, uh, it's just going to help you function day to day on a much better basis, cause you're going to be working in unison with your ADHD, versus like against it.
Speaker 1:And there's like so much friction. You know what I mean. So, yes, I am not a fan of those stupid checklists. It's like check the boxes, do the thing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm just like this is not it. And I love that you're teaching people how to do business based on what they need, based on what their brain does, and then we just need more of it. I think about that a lot more space, more love, more opportunity for us to be different and unconventional in a really cool way. So I love all that. And even as you're talking about, I'm like maybe I do need to take that test again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, so there is something I actually meant to mention with ADHD and I believe I don't know if it was in that book or in a different book, but, um, there's something and this has only come up in recent years due to technology and our phones and social media there's something called vast, which is variable attention stimulus trait, which essentially it was uh, I don't know invented, created I don't know what word you would use, but it has come about due to the constant, like barrage of information and our phones and social media, and so it's basically created symptoms in people, in their brain and in their nervous system that act like ADHD, even though they don't actually have it. So it's people who have a lot of the commonalities and symptoms essentially of people with ADHD, but not enough for a diagnosis. So there are people that are walking around like, yeah, you don't have ADHD, but because your phone and because social media, all of the things, you're kind of just having the same symptoms because of all of that, if that makes sense. So that can still be a you know a fact for a lot of people, you know cause. There's other things that, like, when it comes down to it, where you could tell the difference.
Speaker 2:Like I can always tell when I'm working with a new client, when they say, oh, I'm not sure if I have ADHD, and they start telling me things, things that like, when you don't know the deeper parts of ADHD, like you can be like, oh, I struggle with focus and whatnot, but like one of the things that, like, people with vast and people with ADHD aren't going to have in common most likely is that people with ADHD have time blindness. So if you have a regular person in the room and an ADHD person in the room and someone walks in and say, hey, we have to leave in 30 minutes, the person with the the regular person's going to hear, oh, we, we have to leave in 30 minutes. The person with ADHD is going to go, oh, we just don't have to leave right now. And so five minutes will go by and the person with ADHD will think it's been. Or 30 minutes will go by and the person with ADHD will think it's been five minutes. Or.
Speaker 2:Another thing is that people with ADHD have a very high sensitivity to rejection and so if you give somebody with ADHD constructive criticism, they a lot of times are going to internalize it. They're going to be like I'm the worst person ever. I suck, I'm terrible, you know, and somebody there there's like a Venn diagram, right, so somebody could not have vast, not have adhd and have that or not. You know what I mean. But it just means more likely those things are going to happen in those people. But vast is definitely. You know a thing now for sure.
Speaker 1:I think it's helpful to hear that too, though, because I used to always hate what people would say like doesn't everyone have adhd nowadays? I know and it's F off, like, especially when I was working through the diagnosis process, I was like that is shut up, like dumb, don't, don't say that to people.
Speaker 2:And I think that that hearing that there is something out there that is mimicking these symptoms for people is helpful, because it's like, actually I do have this information for you and I can see where you're coming from, because we do live in a fast paced society and our brains are always scattered but like there is something here, yeah, and the thing about so one thing I want to say about that that I think is really important is and again, this is talked about in the book when people are like that because people do also do that with OCD and like that drives me even more crazy than ADHD, cause for me OCD is much more debilitating than ADHD, but maybe just I mean, I've lived with both my whole life but I've only like got diagnosed with OCD like four or five years ago and so, um, but with like the ADHD thing or it, doesn't everybody have it.
Speaker 2:If you look at brain scans of people with ADHD and people with traumatic brain injuries stroke, car accident, like major concussions the brains of like a stroke patient will look similar to somebody with the brain of ADHD. So no, not everybody has ADHD in the sense of like has similar brains. There are certain parts where, like if you think, if you're looking at like a house at night from the outside and there's like lights on, like there's, if you look at like looking at that as like a metaphor in somebody's brain with ADHD, there are certain parts of the brain that just like the light switch is not turned on, and so no, not everybody has those light switch switches turned off. It's like so that vast might be a similar thing. But yeah, adhd is is not something everyone has. For sure, a lot of people do have it, but not everyone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I yeah, I think it's just like I just want to slap people when people say things like that. You're just like get out of here, get a life, get a life. Uh, I love hearing all of the information, too, about adhd and just seeing it from your perspective and how you're helping people with it, because, again, we do need more conversations like this that just bring some of these things to the surface for people. Another Another thing I really wanted to chat with you about today was just like normalizing, changing our minds.
Speaker 1:You have changed your mind a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like my, it's like my favorite thing to do. I have a whole podcast episode on that too, cause I'm like the queen of changing my mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just like what. Like, even if it's like like changing styles, changing careers, changing our opinions on things, like society wants to put us in this box of there's one way to do it. And once you said you were going to do it, you know, back in the day, when you said you wanted to be an actress, like that's it, you're an actress, period, that's it. And like, imagine you had only stayed there. Like, imagine you'd only stayed in that box. Like, what advice do you give to someone who feels stuck in the decisions that they've made in their life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is like, if you look at all the things that we're talking about fear, failure you know we talked about, like divorce, things like that. All of these things are the reason we don't do them, or we're afraid to do them, or whatever are all, most of the time, rooted in how other people see us. And so for me and this is what I do in my work is, instead of just like working on the fear of failure, working on the ability to change your mind yes, we'll work on that let's work on your need for outside validation. Let's work on why you care so much about what other people think, and we as human beings are wired to be that way Like we're going to do that, and so it's impossible to like get to the point where you say, like I really I don't care about what anybody thinks. So you would definitely get really close to that and I would say, like I really don't give a shit. But there are, of course, times where I do, but I'm, but I have the tools and I have the mindset shifts and the things I need in order to like snap out of that very quickly. So, like my innate reaction might be that like yeah, I care a little bit, but then I can like work through that.
Speaker 2:So I think that's like the biggest thing, because if you think about it like the fear of changing your mind most of the time is going to be rooted in like what are my parents going to think? What are people going to think? Like a lot of people won't leave an unhappy relationship because they're like like I literally got married and then got a divorce 18 months later. Do you know how much I thought about like how silly, and I have a social media presence and I talked about my wedding and my pictures and videos looked really great and everybody saw them and it was wonderful. And then I had to be like by the way, I'm getting a divorce and you know what I mean. And so I had to know that like it's. It's not even like trying to convince yourself that people won't think certain things Like you can do that, because most of the time, the things we think people are going to think is like so silly and it never really happens anyway. But like I think it's better, in my opinion, to to more.
Speaker 2:So look at it from like a place of like worst case scenario. This is another thing I do with my clients. It's like, okay, let's say I get a divorce and I'm going to change my mind. Let's say I do network marketing and I'm going to announce that I changed my mind. Worst case scenario People are like I'll comment on my picture. Oh, my God, you're getting a divorce, you were only married for 18 months, or you're leaving your team. You're doing that Like, okay, what happens? Then I feel not so great and then I work through that. Or then I feel like a failure. Okay, then what happens? And I just like get to the bottom of what I'm really afraid of. And then I'm like, okay, I'll handle that.
Speaker 2:And so I think it's like worst case scenario, scenarioing yourself to be like, okay, yeah, this is scary, but like I think, the biggest thing for me that I reminded myself of when I decided to leave network marketing, when I changed my, my, my mind and my business, when I went from like life coaching to business coaching and now I'm still business coaching, but I'm kind of shifting a little little bit back to life coaching Um, and so I've been. I've changed my Instagram handle a bunch of times. I started a YouTube channel, stopped it and then started it again, and all those times like I just thought, if I like, let's say, I stay, am I going to wake up 50 years from now and be like so I stayed? For what reason? So people wouldn't think a certain way about me. So then I lived the rest of my life over a possible judgment. That may have not even happened, because nobody, really everybody's so concerned about their own lives. Even if they do judge you, they're judging you for like five minutes and then they're going back to thinking about the 4 billion things they need to think about in their life their health, their, their parents, their job. You know what I mean. And so I think that's the biggest thing when it comes to changing your mind is like reminding yourself that it's really rooted in you caring about what people think and to what's going to matter most.
Speaker 2:Do you want to stay in a marriage just so people don't go?
Speaker 2:Oh, my God, you were only married for 18 months, okay, cool.
Speaker 2:Then I stay miserable, or do I leave?
Speaker 2:Deal with like whatever could happen in the in the meantime, and then and there's most of the time that things were afraid of never happen, and it's always like the complete opposite. So I because I've already worked on this a lot for me. Like I did think about, like, what people were going to think, but that didn't really plague me too long because I've just been doing this work for a while. But, like, even if I did, the total opposite has happened after that. Like the amount of people that have come to me that have told me they've left a relationship because they saw me leave. Like people tell me that they left abusive relationships because they saw me leave and my relationship was far from abusive, not even remotely close, and so so many good things have come from it that, like, most of the time, not only are the fears we have not going to happen, but better things than we could ever even imagine are going to happen, and I think that's always worth it. It's always worth the risk at the end of the day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and doing it publicly, although super scary. You're gifting the universe with a lot of really beautiful things. Like we need someone to be as out there and as public with things as you are, like, not afraid to share it.
Speaker 2:Like what a gift.
Speaker 1:I know I love it so much. What's the best thing you've learned on this journey of self-discovery?
Speaker 2:I really think and this is, I feel like I've I would answer this so many different ways, depending on, like, what time in my life you would ask me, or even like week to week. But what's coming up for me now, because I'm realizing this, just with, like, some things that you know are going on in my personal life that I shared with you before we got on the podcast um is like being present, being someone who has anxiety, and like, for me, my OCD. Um, for people who aren't familiar, cause I, I've, I've been wanting to talk more about OCD recently, cause when I talk about it, people are like, can you talk about it more? Cause I don't really talk about it too much, not for any other reason other than, like, I'm still figuring it out myself, you know. And so, um, my OCD can come up in so many different ways. So mine is not cleanliness A lot of people assume that that's the case Um, and yes, like I can be that way.
Speaker 2:Like sometimes, if my hands feel really dirty and I cannot wash them, I feel like I want to peel the skin off my face. But like, five second rule if I drop food on the floor, I'm going to eat it, like I'm not super crazy with, like the cleaning stuff Um, even though my apartment is really clean all the time but like not to an extent where it's like debilitating my OCD can be debilitating. Mine comes up in rumination. So there's like rumination OCD where I will overthink, like everybody overthinks, but like I will overthink to the point where, like I will think a thought, like one sentence on repeat all day long, just playing on a loop in my head and I can't stop thinking about it and I'll like be like, okay, it's fine, we don't have to worry about it, and then it'll just start up again. It's like you rewind the VCR tape and then start it again. And so the reason I share that is because with like OCD and overthinking and I'm like a professional overthinker and like anxiety and whatnot, when you do that, anxiety is always thinking, most of the time thinking about the future. It can be a little bit about like anxiety, about like something that you said, but most of the time anxiety is like what's going to happen next, what's going to happen next? And when you do that you're not living in the present and I feel like a lot of the work I've done recently, especially after I was in I got.
Speaker 2:I got a divorce and then got into like a three month situationship that absolutely wrecked me and from what I've seen on social media, everybody says that like there's always this post long-term relationship situation ship that everybody gets into that hurts them more than the long-term relationship did, which was like a real thing. It like broke me completely and so with all of that I had to do this like five months like boy sober thing where like I didn't date, I didn't talk to anybody, I didn't do anything and I was just like on my own. And in that this recent self-discovery has like really reminded me how much more fun life is when you're living in the present. And it's so hard to do, so hard to do I will not say it's easy, but like going through some things I'm going through now in a better that are positive. I'm like it's so much more fun to just be in the moment and go with the flow and surrender and be present as much as you can.
Speaker 2:And I have to do work to get there, but like because with my overthinking, like certain things can happen and I try to think to the like what I do is it's a compulsion, because people with OCD you have you do your compulsions to give you like a feeling of peace. If you like, you know you tap or you count, that'll give you peace. For me is like if I overthink on the situation, then I'll have peace, but that's never going to happen Cause, let's say, somebody says something and I'm trying to guess what they meant by it. I could do that all day long. It doesn't matter what conclusion I come to, it's still not what's accurate until I hear from the person. So I've realized that like I want to be as present in the moment as I can and not try to like think for safety, because then I got to get to actually enjoy this like life that I'm living. So there's so many things I could answer with that, but I would say that for me is like how I feel now.
Speaker 1:I know it's a little bit out of left field, but no that's a good one too, because I think so many of us do struggle with being like here, and I was just thinking, even as you were talking, like there's not many times in the day where I'm not doing a bunch of things at the same time, even if it's my phone is in my hand or this like.
Speaker 1:But being here on a podcast, like I am here with you, like there's nothing else literally happening, but like you and I getting to be here, it's the same thing if you go to the movie theater, like you get to do one thing you you're not on your phone, like you and I getting to be here. It's the same thing If you go to the movie theater like you get to do one thing you you're not on your phone, like you're actually watching the movie and like being present is a hard thing for a lot of people where there's like just not that many moments throughout the day where we're actually here in the moment, and so the fact that that's your like top thing for yourself discovery, I think, is huge.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it feels like, how good is it just to feel for us to just like have this conversation. We're not thinking about anything, what we're doing, what we're like. This feeling is a feeling everybody can have and everybody gets to experience it every day. Like, think about when you haven't seen a friend for a while and you go out for coffee or you go out to dinner. You're completely like the outside. It makes me almost want to cry because I think about how peaceful that feeling is Like when you're like, just think about being out with girlfriends at dinner.
Speaker 2:You are not thinking about anything, unless maybe you have something really painful going on in your life and that's troubling you. But for the most part, when you're just vibing with your friends at dinner, that's why two, three hours can go by and you're like how did that happen? And I think that's what I really want to continue to figure out how to get that feeling. All the time and I feel am I have been figuring that out more um, and it's so important to me being an overthinker because, like, my overthinking is quite debilitating um, if I'm honest, um, yeah, so like, yeah, that feeling I think like that we just have of being here is like so rad and I think like being able to have that more often is is the goal for sure, a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:yes, my goal, like one of the things that I really wanted to achieve more this year, was peace, and like presence comes with peace, like I feel like they do go hand in hand. Of course, we can be in really difficult situations, but like I feel like presence being in present can come with a lot of peace. So I really, really love that. That's where you're at right now and the journey that you're on. Can you tell our listeners where they can connect with you online, where they can find your podcast, your YouTube channel, your?
Speaker 2:TikTok all the things so that they can get a little bit more of Alexis in their life. Yeah, so I am definitely on Instagram the most. I'm being more on TikTok now I kind of like fell off for a bit, changed my mind, you know. But so I am the tough love coach on Instagram. I have a TikTok, I have two TikToks. The tough love coach it's kind of like a personal TikTok, it's just like fun, random rants. Sometimes I share things, sometimes I don't. So like, if you want to see that side of me, you can. But my main TikTok that I'm using right now is called the failure diaries. Just exactly how spelled, how it sounds. Um, you can find me there. My YouTube is the failure diaries 44, because the failure diaries was already taken, so you can find me on there. And then I have a podcast which is XOXO, the tough love coach um podcast. Jess was on there a few episodes ago, so you can check that out. Um, yeah, um, that's just me.
Speaker 2:I actually did just. I'm in the process, just what. What is today? I don't even know what. Today is Wednesday.
Speaker 2:Two days ago I just launched my new course. It's called from imposter to empowered and it's a six week live course to help people who are struggling with imposter syndrome to understand it, get tools to navigate it. Because I've been asking people. I was doing like market research calls and I was asking people a specific question and I said what have you done to work through your imposter syndrome? Not like to improve your self-worth or this or that, but like just I'm going to work on imposter syndrome. People were like I don't think I've ever just specifically worked on imposter syndrome, I've kind of just worked on the things around it. So I wanted to create this course to do that.
Speaker 2:So the first three weeks and it's like a course where there's dripped out videos but then we do live calls to like help with accountability and things like that. So we're working through imposter syndrome. But then the other side of the course is helping you embrace your authentic self. So if you see me on social media, I'm loud, weird, raw, just vulnerable me, and whether you have a business or you're just trying to like show up authentically in relationships, this is not like a business course, this is just like getting through imposter syndrome and embracing your authentic self. That is going down May 6th, but so I'll be launching that all this month. So that's what I really want people to be a part of. You can work with me one-on-one and all of those fun things, but you can find that on my page. But my from imposter to empowered course is something I'm really excited about, so you can check that out too.
Speaker 1:So freaking, exciting, like so many exciting things happen.
Speaker 2:I'm doing a lot Like my. My best friend was I was talking to the other day. She was like do you like know, like how many things you're doing? She was like I'm always like amazed at all the things you're doing. I was like I don't know, I'm just like a Virgo and I'm a manifester in human design and so like I just do shit and like sometimes I like don't, like I'll give myself credit, but I don't say that as in like but I just I don't know. I like like being busy and I still have like work-life balance and all of that stuff, but like I don't know, I just like love helping people, so I'm just going to keep showing up and doing it.
Speaker 1:And you've been doing it for a long time, which is just no, and I'm going to be doing it for forever, like, forever like, and they're gonna have to.
Speaker 2:They're gonna like be pulling me like old lady, get out of here, get to the nursing home, get off instagram. I'm gonna be still dancing on my story at like 95, whatever social media. Could you imagine what social media is gonna look like when we're like a hundred?
Speaker 1:I think about it a lot actually, because I'm like is this really work that I can do sustainably for the rest of my life? Like can I do this? But like I think we're just gonna be a bunch of old ladies speaking on stages and like that's going to be great.
Speaker 2:I'm so down for it. It's going to be great.
Speaker 1:It's going to be great. So I have a couple of guests, uh questions that I ask every guest that comes on the podcast Love it? Yes, okay, what is your favorite compliment to receive?
Speaker 2:Oh, by far I love your music taste is the best, like, don't tell me I'm pretty, don't tell me anything, like you love my music taste.
Speaker 1:That's my favorite okay, that came pretty quickly too it's.
Speaker 2:It's by far my favorite. Or you think I'm funny, but like music taste is like very music is really important to me.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and you're shuffling skills with your music yeah yeah, I love it. What's your favorite thing to do to boost your mood when you're feeling grumpy?
Speaker 2:dance, dance music. I'll like dance. I'll put on like my. I have a bunch of different playlists and I have to put my headphones in not like music playing out loud Headphones in. I love to like get on top of my bed and dance I don't know what it is, it just feels like very like inner child-esque of like I'm just going to, you know, have fun, and so, yeah, for me music is like the answer for everything. So like, yeah, my favorite music happens and just dancing around, I love that yes.
Speaker 2:Maybe get like a matcha, which I'll probably do after this.
Speaker 1:Yes, I can picture you with a matcha and dancing on your bed.
Speaker 2:That might get messy, but you know and what do you have?
Speaker 1:a song or quote that boosts your confidence?
Speaker 2:So actually I would say a quote I said earlier, but I've come up. I don't want to say I came up with this quote because it's kind of been the accumulation of things I've been doing recently, but it's been one I've been saying and I really am trying to think about what I want to do with it. Like I don't know if I'm not trying to say I want to get it trademarked, I'll let you get a quote trademarked. But it's been something. I want to get it trademarked, I'll get a quote trademarked. But it's been something I say to myself every morning and it's evolved because it used to be the second, the second half of the quote, but now it's been.
Speaker 2:Now I've added more and every morning when I wake up and I've been saying this consistently is today I will look for and find evidence that abundance is everywhere, success is easy or success is simple and everything is working out in my favor. So that's like what I've been saying lately and it's just like and I like that. I add I had like a TikTok video on this. I think you can post on Instagram too that. I add the everything is working out in my favor.
Speaker 2:So you notice, I don't say like everything is working out perfectly or everything is wonderful. It's everything is working out in my favor, so that like reminds me of like kind of this yin and yang, of like there might be things that happen in the day that are, for my, in my favor, but I might not like, but it's in my favor and that's like an important thing that, I think, keeps me grounded, without being like too up here. It's like everything is working out in my favor, so like even if I do have a bad day, hey, it's working out in my favor. It might suck right now, I don't have to like it but it is working out in my favor.
Speaker 1:So, oh, yes, I love that. Thank you, alexis, for being here, sharing your truth, sharing just like your real, authentic self with us, Like we are just so happy to have you here.
Speaker 2:I'm so happy to be here and be your friend and, like the fact that we're still friends, it's great. I'm just so proud wild, what?
Speaker 1:what a wild journey.
Speaker 2:It's been right crazy it's gonna continue to be. Imagine where we're gonna be in 10 years 95 hanging out speaking on stages together. I love it thank you so much, of course what's sis?
Speaker 1:I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.
