Self(ish) Confidence
Your confidence is your superpower… but what if you don’t have any? It can be hard to show up as your authentic self. When we go out, or even scrolling on the couch, it's easy to get trapped in the comparison game, making it even harder to be beautifully you. Self(ish) Confidence is about finding your confidence, shining your light and taking action toward your unconventional life. Every week, we'll chat through barriers that could hold you back. Follow along with me, Jess Clerke, as we learn to find our confidence together and begin to share our magic with the world.
Self(ish) Confidence
The thing we forget when it comes to confidence...
Are you your own toughest critic? Do you find yourself lingering in the shadows of self-doubt, even when you know you're capable of brilliance? Hey, I'm Jess, and in our latest heart-to-heart, I lay bare my own struggles with self-criticism and how I turned that around by embracing self-kindness. Join me as I guide us through the art of building a fortress of self-compassion, where confidence isn't just a fleeting feeling, but a state of being. This episode is all about the love affair you should be having – with yourself.
With an air of excitement and a spirit of camaraderie, we dive into the Selfish Sisterhood's April offerings that are as exclusive as they are empowering. Imagine being part of a community where you're not only accepted but celebrated for your authentic self, where personal anecdotes become lessons, and every chat is a step towards a stronger you.
Learn more about the Self(ish) Sisterhood.
Tune in for an episode that's not just a conversation, but a transformation. It's time to become the beacon of self-love you were meant to be, and I'm here to light the way.
Thank you for listening to Self(ish) Confidence! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or on your social media and tag me @jess.clerke so I can personally thank you for helping spread some confidence + love!
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The Podcast Account ---> @selfishconfidence
Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here and I just can't believe that we are coming up on the end of March, that Easter is right around the corner and that we are stepping into spring and we're stepping into a season of blooming and, for me, stepping into a season of, you know, going back to Barbados, going on the International Barbados Selfish Confidence Retreat, which is just so exciting, and really stepping into a season of self-love and a season of self-belief. And that is what I wanted to talk to you about today and, before I do, I really wanted to share with you what's going on in the Selfish Sisterhood this month. For those of you who are listening here, who are members. You know we have a juicy month for you, but we do have some really special people coming in and I can't quite share with you yet because I'm just working on the final details, but the workshop for this month is going to be mind-blowing. I already have May locked in too, where I have someone extra special coming in there too, and you're just like Jess, why are you being so vague? I promise you. I promise you. If you were in the sisterhood, you know you can trust me. You know these things are amazing and the community that we built there is just something that we haven't found anywhere else. I'm so grateful every day that I have made the time to put all of my energy and all of my love in there.
Speaker 1:But every month we do biz chats. We just had one the other day where we hop on with my business owners. You don't have to be a business owner to be in the sisterhood, but some of us are, and if you are, we have these chats where you can come in, brainstorm ideas and talk about what's coming up and maybe what you're struggling with and what you need some extra support on and how we can hold each other accountable. We do the same thing in sisterhood chats, which is just about everything in life, anything that's going on in your life and how we can share and connect with each other and really bring back that humanity into community. And we also have Q&As where you can come and ask any question you want. We hang out, we just talk about whatever it is that you need some extra clarity on. And of course, we have our new sister orientation.
Speaker 1:We have morning club Monday, wednesday and Friday mornings where you can come and really help to solidify your morning routine with other sisters. Wednesday and Friday mornings where you can come and really help to solidify your morning routine with other sisters, and just, it's a beautiful place for you to come and learn who you are, what you want to do and how you can 100%, totally be yourself. If you don't have a place in your real outside world, in the reality world, where you can totally be yourself, this is a place where you can practice how to do that and so that you get stronger and more confident every single day with every single call that you hop on, so that in the real world you're able to really step in that power, you're able to show the world your shine, and I just think it's a beautiful thing, because sometimes we need practice. Confidence takes practice. It's not something that we can just be like oh okay, I'm confident now. For some of us they can. For most of us we need some extra time. We need some practice in it to feel safe, to show ourselves to the world, to show that beauty and that magic inside us to the rest of the world. So maybe you need a space to do that and if you do, you can check out the show notes for all the information, for what's coming up in the sisterhood, for how to sign up, how to get in, and we do have a seven-day free trial. You can come in and check it out for a week, see if it's for you, see if the community is rocking enough for you and if it is great you can stay, and if not, you can hop on out and find a space that's better suited for you. So check it out, check the show notes out, come on in and I notes out. Come on in and I'd be so excited for you to see. You're going to be so excited to see who the April workshop is and there might be a special announcement in that workshop too. I'm just saying, I'm just saying so.
Speaker 1:Today we are talking all about self-compassion. Yeah, I've been leaning into asking a little bit more in what I need to focus on, not necessarily just for myself, but for the rest of the world, for you listening, for the community, and this is the theme that keeps popping up. This is what is coming into my head is like kindness and self-compassion. And, as we've talked about many times on this podcast, how easy it is for us to know our best friends, to know our partners, to know our kids and know everything about them, be able to plan their birthday parties, get them the best gift in the world, because they said this one thing you know three months ago and we remembered it and we can just like know every detail about them. But it's really hard for us to do that about ourselves, especially as we're ever changing and asking ourselves those questions over and over again. We've talked about this a lot, where confidence comes from knowing ourselves, but I actually think there's also another key component that we've been missing, that we haven't been talking about, and that's self-compassion.
Speaker 1:And if you're like, okay, jess, I hear you, but like what the heck is self-compassion Like? We can have compassion for others, we can have compassion for humanity, compassion for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, what is it when it comes to myself? And I truly see it as a place of being kind to ourselves, just as we would, those we see in the outside world, those we see in the rest of our lives. When others make mistakes, we can brush it off pretty easily and say okay, I see you, it's okay, don't worry, we all make mistakes.
Speaker 1:When it comes to shifting that around on ourselves, that self-compassion can be nowhere to be seen, right, because we're extra hard on ourselves. If you've made a mistake, we automatically shift into well, you should have known better, you should have done better. You're not doing enough. You know you didn't practice enough. How could you be so stupid? And all of the things it cycles in our head. I don't know about you, but I replay conversations that I feel like a dummy in over and over and over again, and it could be really the simplest conversation, but for some reason I'm so hard on myself for the simple thing of like when someone says, hey, how are you? And you're like good. Or like when someone says I don't know anything. Right, it could be anything, and we play it in our head over and over again and it's not helpful.
Speaker 1:This process is not helpful and we can know that logically right Once we're on the outside and we're not in that moment. We know that logically. But when we're in it, it's really hard to shake that feeling that we have inside us that we're not good enough and that comes from nowhere, but within ourselves, because we know our best friends aren't saying this to us. We know that our family isn't saying this to us and if they are, well, we can't find new family. But we can set boundaries with that. But we can find new friends, okay, we can find the right people. We can step into the sisterhood. We can surround ourselves with people who say you're amazing and remind you of that until you finally believe it. But also we need to start to learn how to do that from within ourselves, and that's what I wanted to talk to you about today. There's a reason this theme keeps coming up and I know it's because we need to hear it. We really need to lean into this energy of how to be more kind to ourself because, again, you would do this for other people you might not be doing it for yourself, but you would do it for others.
Speaker 1:So can we shift our perspective a little bit to becoming our new BFF? Like, could you be your BFF, even if it was just for a day, and pretend and see what happens? How do you treat yourself? How do you talk to yourself? What do you lean into? What would you want to do If you were your best friend? What would you do today? I know for me I definitely wouldn't be talking about.
Speaker 1:You know that I haven't showered yet. Girl, you haven't showered yet. You're sitting down and sitting doing this microphone and doing this podcast, but you still haven't showered yet. You greasy girl. I actually didn't say that to myself until right now, but you know I wouldn't say that to myself if I was being my BFF. Right, I'd say, girl, you've got a lot on your plate. I see you, you're just trying to get things done. It's not a big deal that you haven't showered yet and you're still in your gym clothes. I actually like that. Look on you, you look pretty good. We'd really lead into an energy of kindness and support.
Speaker 1:And I'm not going to get on here and rant about the patriarchy or anything like that, but I am going to say I do think there's a huge influence on us having this negative connotation of self from what we've been taught to do, what we've been taught that we can never attain right. It's this energy around us all the time that we're not enough and we're not doing enough, and that comes from what we've been taught in society. So there's this unattainable image that we have and we've seen that in the Barbie movie, if you watched it. There's this unattainable vision of what a woman should be and you know how I feel about the shoulds. It is there and that's what makes it so hard for us to really step into the self-kindness and the self-love, because the vision that we're trying to attain is unattainable and for us, it just makes us feel like we're missing something.
Speaker 1:I was even just talking to a friend of mine earlier today about the vision that we see in everybody else's world. We can see these pictures online of the businesses that we'd love to have and the houses we'd love to have and all of the pieces. The highlight reels of everybody's life shift it and we look at ourselves in the mirror and we see that we've laid on the couch for four hours today or that we haven't even opened our laptop. So what makes us think that we could even have a business or that you know, these beautiful bodies that we see online, these beautiful women that we see online? We don't look like that. So there must be something wrong with me which just makes that circulation in our head over and over and over again. That we're not enough and I just want to remind you that these highlight reels that we're seeing, including my own right, I am only sharing these beautiful pieces online. It's not.
Speaker 1:You're seeing a snippet, even these podcasts. If you're hanging out with me for 20 minutes, you're hearing this for 20 minutes out of what would be a 24-hour day. And don't get me wrong, I'm pretty transparent in sharing the highs and the lows on social media, but you're not seeing it all because, honestly, that'd be really freaking boring if you guys saw it all. I think Maybe not. Let me know, just my life on live 24-7. But, honestly, you're only seeing the highlights, yes, even of the people who are transparent, even of the people who take pride in showing you everything, you're still only seeing a highlight reel because they can't put their life on live for 24-7. That would be weird and you'd probably get bored.
Speaker 1:It really is this energy of starting to remember that our whole life, that we're comparing our dark moments to their best moments, is what's causing this cycle in our brain that we're not enough, that we're comparing our dark moments to their best moments is what's causing this cycle in our brain that we're not enough, that we're not doing enough, and this negative self-talk that we have. So if that's how you're feeling, this negative self-talk is coming from a comparison, oh well, I saw Jess went to the gym today. Even though I might be crapping on myself because I'm still in my sweaty gym clothes, what you see is that I went to the gym. So then you shift that on yourself to be like oh well, she went to the gym, wish I had that kind of energy, wish I had that kind of self-discipline, wish I could go to the gym. I don't know what you're thinking or what you're saying, but these are just some of the things that pop up when we play that comparison game.
Speaker 1:So I really want you to lean into this challenge of, over the next seven days, being a lot kinder to yourself. I was going to say a little kinder, like being a lot kinder to yourself, like it is so important right now that you are taking the time to show yourself love, compassion and kindness Again, just as you would your BFF, just as you would your daughter, just as you would anyone in your life. You would say it's okay, it's just the gym, it's not a big deal. You would say, you know, that was just a silly conversation, it's not a big deal, jess. Or maybe you'd say like, hey, that life is unrealistic online. It's okay if yours doesn't look like that. It's okay if you spent most of the day on the couch. You needed it Really.
Speaker 1:Learning how to shift into that kindness is going to take your confidence to the next level and I feel emotional as I say this and it comes from taking that confidence to the next level, really does come from you giving yourself a little bit of grace, maybe even a lot of grace. Confidence is that inner feeling of knowing ourselves and knowing that we're doing enough, and knowing that we're beautiful and knowing that we are the greatest thing since sliced bread. It really is this energy that we have, but that energy comes from leaning into love and into kindness. Confidence cannot come from a negative energy. It cannot come from a negative energy. So for my pessimists out there listening to this who are just like well, just another day, you're not going to ever feel confident. We really need to lean into that self-love, into that light in the world, and remember that confidence comes from self-compassion, from kindness, and we're really going to only step into that energy if we start to see ourselves in a new light, in the light of enough, in the light of beauty, in the light of love. So for the next seven days, I just want you to see it a little bit more, see how you can talk to yourself better in the mirror. And even if you can't come from a place of love, you can come from a place of neutrality. You can come from a place of just being like hey, I see you, sis, you're showing up, cool, you're showing up, cool. It doesn't have to be like girl, I love you so much, you are so incredible. I see all you're doing, girl, you are great. That just doesn't feel natural, right, especially if we're coming from zero to all of a sudden 100. No, we can take those little steps and just be like hey, I see you, sis, I see you showing up, I see you trying, I see you grabbing that apple. You go, girl, it's really just being kinder to yourself in the smallest ways, and you will be shocked at how this simple practice of self-compassion like elevates your confidence to a whole new level. You will be shocked and I think that it's a really simple way for us to take that step in the direction, especially for those who need a little extra, who need a little extra love and haven't seen themselves in that light for a while.
Speaker 1:I did a workshop the other day for some really beautiful women, like I am telling you, like the energy in this room was so incredible. They had, like they just radiated love and they're on a journey of searching for love, of looking for love in their life. But the piece that is missing in most of them was that piece of self-love, and I could see it from the outside their beauty as they were getting their photos taken, as they were talking to each other about, like you know, different things in their lives. But they had a really hard time seeing it in themselves. They had a really hard time looking at the pictures that were taken of them that were so incredibly beautiful. And I feel really emotional as I think about this, because I came home and Glenn asked me how did the workshop go? And I was like, wow, like these women are incredible. But you can see that they're jaded, you can see that they've been hurt from the outside world. No-transcript. The world has told them that they're unlovable. Oh, it breaks my heart so much because they were so beautiful. They are so beautiful and if you're listening to this and you were at that workshop, I'm trying to be vague in my details because I don't want to give anything away of who they might be, but all of them were just like radiating beauty.
Speaker 1:And I think it's one thing for me to come on this mic and to say have more compassion for yourself, have more kindness for yourself, have more love for yourself. Right, everything is rainbows and butterflies and roses and unicorns and all of the beautiful things in the world. I am an optimist. I know that through and through, I see things in a different lens. I really do no-transcript into that energy of kindness and love, but also confidence. We all want more confidence, right, but if we can just step into it, it's really going to start to open up that light.
Speaker 1:And again, it does not have to be a full. You know 180 and all of a sudden you're like I love everything about me, that's I'm not there and I've been on this journey for a very long time. It's really just those small little inklings, like maybe when you see a picture of yourself, you don't cringe. Or maybe when you are talking to a friend and you think you said something pretty silly that you don't replay that conversation in your head after over and over again. Or maybe it's when you take a rest day you don't replay that conversation in your head after over and over again. Or maybe it's when you take a rest day you don't tell yourself that you're a lazy bum, that you are actually taking time to rest and you need it. That happened to me this week too. I really needed some rest and I talked about it on my stories and a few people messaged me and they're like thank you for saying that I'm actually going to go spend the day on the couch too, and it's not for me to be like I'm spreading laziness to the world.
Speaker 1:I think laziness, whatever you want to call it taking time for yourself. Resting is so important for your confidence too, because your body's going to start to trust that you'll actually slow down. That's a form of self-compassion and kindness when you're running on fumes and you're going to burnout, going to burnout town. We've all been there, right? When you actually slow down, you do what your body asks you to do, like take a break and to take some rest, to set some boundaries. That's all self-compassion, it's putting yourself first. That is a gift.
Speaker 1:And as we walk into the Easter weekend, if you're listening to this in real time, it is Easter weekend where we go to spend more time with our families, we go surround ourselves with the people that we love. Remember that these boundaries and these areas of self-kindness and compassion might have to just be turned up to an extra dial, because your kindness to yourself is way more important this weekend than all the chocolate you eat, than all the things that people in your life say to you, of all the things that you're saying to yourself. We need to be taking our kindness to the next level, and I especially want it. If you've eaten like 12 pounds of chocolate eggs this weekend because Easter Bunny, what's up? Man, I see you. I just want to remind you that can also be a form of self-compassion and self-kindness, right? Finally, letting your guard down to enjoy the treats that are around you.
Speaker 1:That was huge on my confidence journey as someone who comes from a background of health and fitness, of chronic dieting and every birthday which is around this time of year, I feel this one too would ask for things like a fruit salad or a bowl of yogurt or whatever as a way to celebrate my birthday, because my birthday falls in the season of, you know, often dieting. Right, it's the season of well, summer's coming and I want to look good. It's the season of well, summer's coming, and I want to look good. It's the season of I got to elevate everything and take everything so seriously and only eat mashed sweet potatoes for the next, you know, three weeks so that I can look good when I go to Barbados, right, these things that we tell ourselves, cutting the diet and actually enjoying the Easter eggs and being a little kinder to yourself and leaning into enjoying the season of Easter is a massive form of self-compassion. Right, because you're good enough exactly as you are. You don't need another diet, you don't need another this, you don't need another that. What you need is to enjoy the holidays with your family. What you need is to enjoy a little time with yourself and to speak up for what you need.
Speaker 1:Anyways, I'll get off my rant here, but I think that the more we can lean into this energy, especially as women, and I promise you, if you start to do this for yourself, your best friend's going to see that and they're going to start to do it a little bit more. Your partner's going to see that and they're going to start to do it a little more, and your kids are going to see that and they're going to start to do that a little bit more. Like this beautiful ripple effect happens when we start to be kinder to ourselves, because we know it can go the other way too. Right, when one person's complaining about their bodies, complaining about who they are, complaining about their marriages, complaining about their work, complaining about all these things, it like spreads like wildfire. Right, we can see. Okay, then we start complaining. Oh yeah, my boss, the worst too. I love saying that when I'm my own boss, but we spread negativity like freaking wildfire. Imagine what would happen when we spread kindness. It does not take as hot as negativity. It does not take as hot as complaining.
Speaker 1:Some people think you're a freaking weirdo when you're just like everything's great, my life is great, I love myself, I love my body exactly as it is. I am doing amazing, great things. The world looks at you like a crazy person and I can't wait for this to change. I cannot wait for this to change because I am so done with a world that revolves around negativity, that revolves around complaining and revolves around all of us hating ourselves. No, thank you, and I am guessing you, being here and listening to this podcast, you feel the same way. Wouldn't it be so beautiful to be surrounded by people who love themselves and not from the outside, energy being like? Well, who do they think they are to like themselves? They're not that special. Screw that energy. Okay, if those are the things that you're getting from other people, then those people got to be cut. They are not important to you.
Speaker 1:What I want to see is that when you love yourself and you're shining that light so freaking bright, and the rest of the world is looking at you and they're saying, damn girl, yes, you are so freaking special and so am I, and so am I Like oh my gosh right, that's the energy of the world I want to live in. I think about that with the Barbie movie all the time, too, when all the Barbies and some people hate this I love it. All the Barbies are there and they're celebrating each other and they are happy, living exactly as they are, doing the jobs that they want to do and having this beautiful what I think would be utopia like so beautiful. And they're all supporting one another and when they see someone else loving themselves, they're like, yes, I love that for you because you're so freaking special, and so am I. Them being special, someone else being special doesn't take anything away from me, and I know you, listening to this podcast, you know that. You know that, but I want you to remind that and shift that back on yourselves.
Speaker 1:Okay, you are so special, you are a gift here on this planet and we really need you to spread that kindness that you have for yourself into the world, into your children, because this next generation that's coming. I see it. It's going to be beautiful. It's going to be beautiful. It's going to be so freaking good if they can learn this act of self-kindness before they're in their 30s, 40s, 50s, however old. You are listening to this right now.
Speaker 1:So how are you going to give yourself a little extra love this week, a little extra kindness, now that we know that self-compassion is a huge key to your confidence. Where can we have some self-compassion this week? Where can we have some kindness this week? Maybe it's in the Easter eggs. I see you, sis, it will be for me for sure.
Speaker 1:So if you're looking for a space where you can lean into self-compassion a bit more and start to practice this in a safe space that maybe the outside world just doesn't get right now, the Selfish Sisterhood is a beautiful place for you to do that. It's not weird. We're not all sitting there with mirrors in our hands saying our affirmations to ourselves. It's a place for you to really just start to connect and feel like you belong and hang out with some really incredible women. So I'll put all the information for the Selfish Sisterhood in the show notes for you to be able to check out, and I promise you, april's calendar is fire.
Speaker 1:I'm so freaking excited. So thank you for being here, thank you for taking the time to work on yourselves and to make this world a better place. I'm so freaking proud of you and I love you so much for that. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.
